Thursday, December 18, 2008

Down, Down, Down I Drop...

deep into the black pit of depression. I've been out in the light for so long I forgot how dark and hopeless the pit is. The bottom is hard when one is dropped in unexpectedly.

I cannot foresee any good right now. I feel completely worthless. I feel as if I have no purpose in life. My spouse doesn't notice, not to the extent of asking me if I'm ok. Nothing new there. Denial is his middle name.

The kids are all about their lives. They don't notice because it doesn't look so different from when I was studying for nursing school. It's been awhile since they've needed or wanted me around more than being downstairs just in case.

My lack of close friends makes it easy to fly under the radar.

I am just trying to get through each day, one at a time.

Mixed signals from nursing grades. I don't think I mastered their version of group thought. I have shut my mouth and moved to sit alone so I do not ask any questions during lecture unless called on. I do not speak during lectures at all. I have slept through one or two but only when I had that virus.

The feedback is almost all negative. It makes it harder to slog through the shit of nursing school. No pats on the back from my family. No real pats on the back from anyone, anywhere.

So dark. So inane.

Day by day, for now.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Rest? and Relaxation?

The 20 yo's alarm went off at 6:30am and kept getting louder until I got up and turned it out. The 20yo had the day off and of course, forgot his alarm. Love the thoughtfulness of children.

The 17yo gets to start 2 hours late because of the ice on the road and the fact the buses cannot get up any of the hills.

Spouse made noise at 5am.

Rest and relax my ass.

Yesterday as I attempted to sleep in past 9am the neighbor across the stress decided to use his metal shovel to chip ice off his drive way for, get this, six freaking hours. DUDE. There's this stuff called deicer. Throw it on the driveway and voila~no more ice. Six hours in 20 degree temps chipping away at 2 inches of ice on his driveway.

Nursing classes will be looking like a vacation after 2.5 more weeks of this.

I am just getting crankier each day. I might as well hit my head with a hammer for the next two weeks, same effect. :P

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Half a Person

Once a woman watches her infant die over 5 months she is never whole again. Maybe other women can regain their entire their selves back. I just cannot. It's been almost 13 years since my child died and I have lost pieces of me forever.

I have gone on with a life, not the the same person so not the same life. I have used my energy to attempt to construct something resembling a life. I am not sure I have succeeded.

I continued to raise my two other boys. They are now 17 and 20. I think I did a pretty good job with them considering my heart bled continuously. After a 6 month-maybe a year when I was faking it. When I was pretending anything mattered. After that I got back into the SAHM thing and continued to volunteer, help in the classrooms, know their friends, feed them, read them stories, helped with homework, etc.

They are not the kind of children who let you ignore them for long. They adapted to a different mother and I grieve for the hard realities they had to face at such young ages.

Maybe this is why my spouse and I have so little common ground. I am not the same woman and I will never be completely whole. Never.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008



My spouse is being a total dickhead. Yes, I know he's been sick and isn't getting much sleep.

Guess what? I don't care. How many days do I get enough sleep? Not enough.

He's talking to me in a condescending/nasty tone of voice as if I'm an imbecile. Yo doofus, I'm just as smart if not smarter than you. After 22 years you should have figured that out by now.

It a day off today. Dickhead is ruining one of my days off. What the hell is his problem? Soon I won't be getting any days off during the week. I never ruin his days off.

I detest being his target. If he has some underground issue(he's passive/agressive) he should just tell me. Being talked down to really pisses me off. I get enough of that at school.

My carpool partner and I were discussing marriage yesterday. She's Hindi and is in an arranged marriage. In her culture to leave your husband is one of the worst things you can do unless he's physically abusive.

I told her I have no clue what state my marriage will be in by next year or the year after. She was just shocked.

I'd love to bail right now. Right this second but I cannot afford it and my 17yo needs to finish his senior year. I hate this crap.

It's 11:30 in the morning. How do I avoid this jerk all day? Why should I even have to?

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Not Much Running Through My Head

Besides the stuff I need to know for tests, case studies and clinicals.

Except a pure pleasure knowing that it's a democratic world once again. Oh Yeah. A democratic congress, a democratic senate, a democrat in the white house. Lots of work to do but I feel some hope for the first time in 8 years.

My state has a democratic governor and legislature. We have lack of money issues to cope with but the folks who care about the health and education are in power.

Since the state of Washington paid for half of my AA degree I'd like to keep scholarships and grants going for other students. Most of my nursing school mates have scholarships. Silly me, who knew they were avalable? NOT ME. Duh.

I hope the extreme partisanship ebbs and cooperation flows so we can have a more effective government in this country. I will be praying for that.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Inorganized Central

My nursing instructors, one being the director in place for 20 some odd years, and the newest addition a R.N. and E.ed who filled in at last minute. There is failure to commmunicate what objective we need to learn each week in our nursing fundamentals class.

We finally(normally received the Friday before the week we need to said objectives) got our objective list today after we insisted we had not ever seen it. The teacher, Dr. M, kept saying we got them and I'm thinking why would 26 people lie to you. We're not punking her and I don't think she even knows what punking in.

She nice, brilliant, a disorganized lecturer used to giving 3 hours lectures in university style and I get the feeling the director is being less than complete with what exactly we need to be taught.

It's a small programs and things happen but it's getting damn annoying. I paid $1200 in tuition this quarter and I want to learn. What do I get? Talks about my outgoing personality and how I need to suppress it. I can't be my smart ass self, I have to groupthink and I know the director dislikes me. I could care. I just want to learn. I want to progress. In everyway.

Is this too much to ask?

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

What I Need

I am tired of no one understanding who I am. I want someone to love me, preferably male, as I am today. Just who I am today October 29, 2008. Not who someone wants me to be, thinks me to be, hopes me to be, wishes me to be, or sees me as I used to be.

Someone who'll come up behind me and give me a hug just because he wants to. Not because I asked. Not because he wants to grope. Not because it is expected. Just a lovely and simple hug, with affection and support being transmitted between us. Is that too much to ask for?

I want someone who will not judge me. Who'll accept me as the person I am today because of past experiences. Who's vision will not be clouded by expectations of who I was before today or who I will be tomorrow. This minute loving me in whole.

I had a dream where I was with a man(just some guy no one I know) who watched me as I slept because he enjoyed looking at me. Who ran his hand down my arm just to be in physical contact with me. Someone I snuggled up behind through the night because I felt whole and loved. A person whose face I traced with my fingers because I treasured who was behind the face. I could feel the love from him without physical touch but he touched because it made us whole, together.

A love that demands little and yet every part of me. A love I'm willing to give freely and without expectations of anything in return. Just to love and be loved.

To be treasured because I am me. Not based on looks, education, finiancial reasons. Just a soul to soul connection that lasts forever. I would teasure him for who he is, not for what he represents or what he has. Just for his inner self.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Is this why I worked so hard?

3 years of anatomy and torture, math classes, writing classes, psych classes, chemistry, medical terminology, microbiology, communications, algebra, etc. I worked my ass off to get here.

So why do I feel unsure? Slightly less than challenged. Kinda let down?

Perhaps nursing theory and reality are worlds apart. Or that no one pats us on the back. Encouragement is an excellent motivator but I don't feel encouraged by my spouse, my kids, my invisible friends, the staff.................I know I come off as smart and confident but that is a shell.

How can I validate what I'm doing? The grade thing is not the best way for me, I tend to put too much stick in grades. I got an 88% on my second pharm test. OK I missed a few questions. Is that going to make me a terrible nurse? Of course not.

Now how can I explain that to me?

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Long Week

Even with Monday and Wednesday being off from classes and me getting tons of sleep those two days, it twas a long week.

Thursday morning was dark and rainy as I drove to school with my carpool partner. She is a very bright woman, originally from India 4 years ago, who obsesses when she doesn't get perfect grades.

I myself tend to take a test and let it go. My 104 scores 89, 92 and 94.7. I was actually below the class average for a few weeks. I still had an A. I have a 99 in Pharmacology.

Our 104 tests are tricky and include fictional situations that take critical thinking. Ethics and moral and legal ramifications are very important in health car. My car pool person was brought up in an area where ethics aren't an option. One never questions a teacher or a doctor and moral dilemmas just don't exist.

She's been driving me a little cuckoo asking about all these things. She relentlessly questions anyone who will answer but myself and another friend in particular. 2-3 woman have perfect grades in 104 and it's driving her nutso because she can't figure out how to do that. She has a 91% average. She's in country that doesn't speak her native language and is culturally 180 degrees from what she is used to.

If she asks me again about test questions after a test is over I may just whack her upside the head.

She means no harm but OY once the test is over it's freakin over. I am ambitious but I'm not trying for 4.0 throughout the program. Some of this is about learning skills that can't be quantified by grades.

She's gonna dwive me cwazeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Monday, October 20, 2008


That's how I feel today. Numb. No school as it was a teacher work day(who knew they had these at community colleges).

I did read the voter's pamphlet this afternoon. I had no idea we had socialists running for president! I found it all most amusing. Now I am infomred about almost everything on the ballot except the judges. How does one find out facts about the judges?

I ran into my first real life Sarah Palin supporter today. I almost fell over when she said Palin was great! I had no clue my neighborhood was harboring Republicans! =:-0

Clinical tomorrow, then Wednesday off and back to tests and classes Thursday, Friday.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Slighty Off The Path

When I was a younger girl I wasn't the girl imagining weddings and tulle and bridesmaid. I had never planned out a wedding until I actually got married in my low key budget minded wedding.

I realized lately that many young girls play "wedding" quite a bit. I used to play war with my younger brothers and their friends. I was always the General and they always had to do what I said. Sounds more like me, doesn't it?

I know girls and women who think the wedding in the be all and end all. Nope. It's just the first day of your marriage.

I was the girl who read in the willow tree instead of playing tag. Adventuring across the world held my attention more than getting "frozen" in tag.

I am me. I'm not a total rebel but I'm not a conformer either. I think I was the vote for Ronald Reagan in Orange County, CA in the 1980 presidential. Living among right wingers never influenced my liberal political views.

I had a wonderful childhood for 16 years. Then I got pissed. How dare my parents move me 2000 miles in the middle of my junior year? I spread my anger and my selfish indignant rage with anyone within 10 feet of me. I had so much growing up to do.

My life since 1986 has been full of sharp turns on the road. Through the bad and difficult times I did the best I could. In the calm valleys I learned to breathe and how to utilize what I learned from the difficult time.

My life road is twisty and curvy and hangs on the edge of cliffs here and there. That's just fact. I have learned many lessons on my life road and have more to go.

Lesson this week: One might have to conform to reach one's goals. This seems less painful that stapling my mouth shut.

What do you think?

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Lonesome Loser

That old Eagles song Lonesome Loser keeps going through my head. I wasn't having the best week and tonight I had a "meeting" with my clinical instructor who was representing the other nursing instructors and some other students I seem to annoy the hell out of . Huh? Sometimes I may talk too much. I've been working on it. I ask questions unrelated to topic. I have no idea why I was told this. I have been trying very hard to ask only related and relevent questions.

Message I received: Shut the hell up in class/out of class/during practicals. Am I really that obnoxious?

I already have a spouse who thinks I am not capable of getting through the nursing program. Now more people who'd rather I wasn't in the program at all.

I feel totally useless right now. I have kids who are grown and don't really need me. I have no friends in real life. My husband doesn't support and or believe in me. Do I even have a point in life?

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Cranky Bitch

I am cranky bitch today. No discernable cause. Just cranky. Bitchy. Tired. Me.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Surprise, Suprise

I have pissed off my teenager again. I thought I was teasing him but he says I was angry and mean. Um...................ok. What drugs are you on son? Do you all know what it's like living with a hypersensitive teenager with hormones running amok and drama being his middle name? OY! It's a headache.

I am tired. Mentally, physically and attutudinally.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Never a Smooth Road

Crud. What if I have bladder cancer? Or need dialysis for whatever kidney issue I may or may not have? I have no time for this crap. Call now!!!!!!!!

Just as things in my life is getting along the way I want it to, bam. I hope this is nothing. But when the doc won't leave it in a message and won't let the nurse tell you's usually not so they can say "hey! you're extra special healthy!" If only.

This is so frustrating.

Saturday, October 4, 2008


I have plans. Plans for my future. No snot nosed little brat is going to derail me. I've come too far and through too much to let the people who don't really matter to screw up my plans.

I will make it through the next 11 months of school. I will pass the NCLEX-PN and find a job.

Then I will apply to ladder up to an RN degree program. I will make it through those months of school. I will pass the NCLEX-RN.

Next step, take an RN to BSN degree program as I wirk as an RN.

After the BSN I will decide on an area to specialize and I will go for a masters degree in nursing or as a nurse practitioner with prescriptive powers. Like being a doctor but better. More human, less lobbies by pharmaceutical interests.

Don't get in my way. I plan on taking those who discourage or try to stop me. Just a friendly warning.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Mean People

No matter how hard I try not to judge others, I always find folks are willing to judge me. There is a girl in my nursing class and my practical group who I could have a smackdown with. She's pushy and loud, fairly un-enducated and thinks she's always right. Fine no problem until she rolls her eyes with the guy in front of me when I answered an anatomy question correctly after I waited to see if anyone else would answer first.

Apparently I am too smart. I am worthy of being derided by a girl who's about the age of my oldest(maybe a few years older) who I've treated respectfully. I do have a negative opinion of her but I am kept it to myself. I only told my husband about her.

I'm going to be the adult here. DUH. Tomorrow I will change seats to the back row so I won't have to see this girl judge me or make fun of me. Hey chica I've been out of junior high since 1977. Yes about 10 years before you were born as you keep reminding me you weren't even born in 1980. (like I care?)

I have spent my life learning, reading, researching as everything interests me. OK I remember my parts of the brain. Sue me. What's the point of taking anatomy & physiology as the back bone of a medical education if I forget what I learned.

Damn I hate being judged. I hate people who think they're better. Better than who? Everyone. And hey! Let's make fun of that old lady in class too. Now there are 4 people older than I in the class including the guy who was aiding her in her eye rolling. Screw 'em.

I'll rise above. I'll be a better nurse than she will because I have compassion for folks of all ages and races. Because I know people are basically the same when it comes to their healthcare needs.

But if one of you would like to make a voodoo doll, don't forget the bleached blond hair with dark showing at the roots, slut clothes that almost show her nipples and crotch riding tight jeans.

The things that irks me the most~she is not taking the program seriously. GRRRRRRR

Tuesday, September 30, 2008


I don't know if I will be a good nurse. I sit here wondering if I can comfort others well. Some days I am reminded how many pieces my heart has been ripped into in the past 13 years. Will there be enough of my heart left over for others?

I just don't know.

I know that no matter how illogical it may be, I don't think I can ever stop wishing for a baby. It's so completely unrealistic and spouse would not be with the plan but my heart keeps saying baby.

It's been over 12 years since I found out I cannot have another baby. Why doesn't my heart want to accept this?

I can't work eith sick babies as a nurse because I know I would be overly emotionally involved. I could never stay professional. Hell, I don't know if I am capable of being professional with any age.

I pray God can help me know what is the right place for me in this world. Hell if I know.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Holy moly frijoles!

We got our reading assignments to prep for next week. At first I thought it was the assignments for several weeks, but nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. It's about 300 pages by Monday. Let's not forget flash cards, notes on the reading, defining all pertinent terms.

The two women next to me starting in complaining about a project for pharmacology. Oh I hate public speaking. Yuck. We have 4 journal reviews in pharm as well which did not please them. I politely said nurses have to disperse information all the time and that a group project was a great way to practice....

Oh if looks could kill.

We also have to review journal articles for fundamentals in nursing to explore the varied issues nurses deal with in today's health care system.

You see I love reading journals. Psych journals, social studies, communications, medical, historical, scientific, micro, etc. And they have a great collection at the library plus their internet server(which I can access from home) allows entry into journals we'd have to pay for if we weren't students. This assignment is one I like very much.

It's rough being a pseudo-intellectual. Snerk. I know. I'm a major info geek. Blame my mother. She instilled the love of all knowledge in me.

I can see the future and it contains much study. No social life. Learning strict time management and then trying to get the Y chromosomes to "get it".


Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Achieving One Goal

Here I am, 3 days into nursing school. While I'm happy to be here, I'm also tired at the thought of how much work is awaiting me in the next 11 months.

Hours and days of studying won't be so bad. The days and days of clinicals, following nurses around, learning all the basics and by third quarter I'll be doing 4 days a week of 8 hour days for NO pay. Exhausted by the thought.

I know we work up to it but dang, I think vacuuming one room takes too much energy. Yup, I'm one lazy ass woman.

Hour by hour.

Day by day.

That is how I'll do it.

Pray for me. I need some lightning bolts of energy and brain activity please.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Bitch Doc

It really bothers me when someone assumes they are smarter than me. Automatically. Before I even open my mouth. The bitch doc today treated me like I was a drug seeking moron. I asked for some pain pills cuz BBB has strep. Strep hurts. Alot. Kid hasn't eaten since Sunday. For an active still growing 17yo male~that is forever. She looked at me with a face like why would he need pain pills? Maybe cuz I don't want to hear him whine about how much his throat hurts. He's in pain dumb ass. Did you not hear him scream when you poke his very swollen glands seven freaking times? What are you babe, sadistic? You looked in his throat, it's inflamed and red with yellow white spots, the strep test was positive so why poke the kid?

No one has ever poked me or my oldest when we've had strep.

I am angry because I felt disrespected. I am angry because I felt she hurt my child without purpose. I am angry she did not even ask how much pain he was feeling. I remember needing percocet last time I had strep just so I could swallow the horse antibiotics they gave me. I am angry because she seemed to think my son should speak for himself. He did. He just did not ask for pain meds because she never asked about his pain level. I was advocating for my child, not looking for a buzz.

I don't get buzzed off of codeine, vicodin or percocet. I'm tired of doctors treating everyone like they are junkie drug seekers. Whatever happened to pain relief?

Current studies show people heal faster when they're not in pain.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

So Happy I Wasn't born Earlier

I was watching Mad Med tonight. The show is set in 1962 among a Madison Ave ad agency where souls were sold as much as hard liquor.

Women were screwed back then. Had to be perfect housewives. Or Secretaries. Men dictated the social strata.

If your spouse cheated it was because you let him stray.

Thank goodness for women's lib!!!!

I'm not perfect at anything. I'm ok with that. Neither is my spouse perfect.

It took our society until the 90's to discuss mental illness with significant stigma. Women weren't depressed, they had "nerves". Bull shit.

We still have so far to go when groups like the Taliban won't let women even learn to read, outside without a male escort and many middle Eastern men "honor" kill their daughters or sisters because they fear their families have been ruined. If these girls aren't virgins the gov'ts look the other way while they are killed. In the year 2008.

Islam seems to be interpreted by males for males.

The high rate of dying while giving birth is still a sad reality in the third world. The US's rate should be better and our NIH and CDC's cannot figure out why Australia and Japan have much higher survival rates for their newborns.

This is not a fair world. I know this. I want to make a difference. Some where. Some how. I think nursing school is step one.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Freakin' Headaches

I hadn't had a headache for weeks until Thursday. I wish I knew what triggered them. It starts as a band of pain above the eyes and then move to one side, usually behind that eye. It's not dehydration, not not eating, not overt stress as I've been on vacay from school for 3 weeks and have 2 weeks left. Had not had caffeine for a week, no food with additives, no unusual meds or anything.

Not a weather change headache cuz those happen in the am most times. It's freakin' sunny here which makes it hurt worse. I hate the protophobia that comes with headaches. Noise bothers me a little bit but not like a migraine.

Nothing helps. I use ice packs to numb it out from time to time but that's not a cure. Painkillers don't work or least the OTC ones I have.

If you've never had a headache I HATE YOU. I've had them for over 35 years. If I were still a devout 60's Catholic girl, I'd think they were punishment from God. Honestly though, I don't think God pays that close attention to me.

I can't even blame the teens or the spouse. I can't blame anything because I cannot figure out why it happens. ARGH!

Screaming in print hurts much less than real screaming.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008


I was out on a walk this evening and I was thinking. I had read all about cholesterol in my nursing book about diseases. I scared myself big time. Damn. My parents both had issues and now I be screwed. If I had known....sigh.

My blood tests done a few weeks ago show very high triglycerides and total cholesterol. Insanely high triglycerides. The last time I was tested(maybe 10 years ago because I had no insurance for a very long time) it was borderline high at 235. They did not break it up into triglycerides(Berry bad), HDLs)good stuff and LDLs(low down dirty dogs as my nursing teacher calls them to remind us in nutrition). My HDLs is low, the other 2 are high. My arteries have been collecting all this nasty ass cholesterol my body mostly makes because of my genetics. I would have stopped eating fast food 10 years ago if someone had clued me in.

In the past year or so I have begun an aversion to most red meats. Never eat hamburgers, only flank steak cooked at home, leanly. I have also cut down on my consumption of fast food maybe 85% just because it started to gross me out. I watched my spouse eat 2 dinners tonight. The healthy baked chicken though he choose the dark meat. Then the disgusting dripping with grease garlic sticks from Little Caesar's. It almost made me nauseous knowing what butter and cheese and white bread can do to someone who doesn't exercise any restraint or any exercise.

I think maybe, just maybe God steered me towards nursing to save myself. Once I save my heart and my arteries and my exercise issues and this hyperlipidcholosterimia. My aunts had yellow blobs under their eyes caused by the excess cholesterol in the bodies and it was ugleeeeeeeeeeeee. I've been so grateful I don't have these xanthomas(yellow cysts, bumps) on my face. I did notice some skin changes on my lega that should go away as soon as I get my cholesterol under control.

If I hadn't been going into nursing, I might have gone into teaching history or something and maybe dropped dead at 55. My mom died at 64, her dad was in his 40's. My dad's parents lived into their 80's but with major health problems. By going into nursing God is forcing me to care of myself. He's sneaky that way sometimes.

Then I can help others. In whatever plans He has for me. I do believe he has plans for me in medicine. I have no idea except the LPN thing.

As angry I have been at God in the past 46 years I have my heart telling me He's sending me where I belong. Doing His work somewhere, some how. Whether my spouse is on board or not is only for God to know at this point.

I found out this weekend is that Riley is proud of his mother and thinks I can go as far in medicine as I want to. Probably the shining moment of my weekend. I have an ally. I need to work on him destressing a bit. One step at a time.


This weekend, at the beach, Geo launched a verbal attack on me when he was supposed to be angry at BBB. He's concerned that at my weight I won't finish or succeed in the nursing program. I gave him a look that said(not that he would get any of this) screw you, I know I can succeed, I don't need you and you're such an ass.

He did a similar thing last week. So nice to know that my spouse believes in me. My 17yo asked me why his dad did not believe in me. I said I don't know. Maybe he feels threatened. I'll have my own money and will be able to leave if I want to. He said I don't understand what dad's problem is. Me either bud. I don't think he got any encouragement growing up. I do know his family never "talked" about anything important. Still don't, for the most part.

I suppose I was supposed to fail when it came to school. He keeps binging up my algebra class and that I had to take it more than once. Passed it jerk. Maybe it took me a year but I passed it with a 100% in the final. Screw you.

He keeps bringing up my past history of never finishing. I'm like just because I get distracted while cleaning doesn't mean I'm gonna fail at life. I made it through the death of our son didn't I?

Now he brought up the meds I take. The only meds added in the past year are the bp med and the cholesterol med. He thinks the meds make me shaky and uncoordinated. Dude, have you not paid attention? I've never been coordinated unless in the water. 22 years and he doesn't notice.

He's so blind. Too bad he'll never be able to see how I have accomplished and how much more I will accomplish.

Sunday, August 10, 2008


Teens are the most annoying things on the planet with the exception of the presidetial candidates. My 17yo thinks he can rules his own life.

Okay. Let's take a gander at this idea. He's 17, he can't sign legal documents yet. He has no job. He has no money. He has a year to go in high school. He can't drive. He did not want to learn. If he can rule his life I can stop driving the snot around.

No matter what I say or how I say it I am wrong. Unless he needs a favor.

This was the sweetest, most loving and affectionate toddler I have ever met. Lucy. Wot Happned?

He dislikes it that I am an untraditional mother but he tells all his friends I go to college. He tells me I'm dumb but he asked for my help when it came to moles in chemistry. He will not say a word to me if are in the car, unless I'm rocking with the radio.

Yeah. I was a pill when I was 17 but damn! Do I really deserve the scorn and dirty looks?

Mommy(she's been deceased since 1997)if you're listening.........please please PLEASE take the curse off me. I've been punished enough. Really I have.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Has It Always Been This Hard?

Parenting seemed so much easier when my children were young. Even though a temper tantrum or bedtime was a serious issue to me, it's nothing compared to dealing with teens. Teens with attitudes. Teens with mental illnesses. Teens dealing with their mother's cancer.

No these are not all my teens, they also belong to friends. Several of my friends have children with mental illnesses. Teens who are already hormonally challenged and have bipolar disorder, depression, cutting. I honestly don't know how they cope. Another friend has metastatic breast cancer and her teens are helping to care for her with their dad when she has chemo. A friend of mine has a daughter who's in her early twenties who's been battling ovarian cancer for several years. 21 year olds aren't supposed to get ovarian cancer.

When I was 17 my biggest life crisis was that my parents had forced me to move from Michigan to Southern California in the middle of my junior year. Now it sucked. But not like knowing my mom had cancer sucks. Not like having cancer myself would have sucked. Not like wanting to die suck. Not being unable to control my emotions and not knowing why sucks.

I am ashamed. For being such a self-centered little brat. I was in a snit for 2-3 years. Such a twit. I am ashamed when I think my boys are difficult. Because I don't have it so bad.

I am healthy. My boys are healthy. We are basically mentally in control. Thank goodness for antidepressants.

I pray and hope for the best outcomes for my friends and their children. I wish I could be more helpful. Knowing the things they go through and cope with help me to know my family will be okay.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

My personality??

You Are An ENFP

The Inspirer

You love being around people, and you are deeply committed to your friends.

You are also unconventional, irreverent, and unimpressed by authority and rules.

Incredibly perceptive, you can usually sense if someone has hidden motives.

You use lots of colorful language and expressions. You're quite the storyteller!

In love, you are quite the charmer. And you are definitely willing to risk your heart.

You often don't follow through with your flirting or professed feelings. And you do break a lot of hearts.

At work, you are driven but not a workaholic. You just always seem to enjoy what you do.

You would make an excellent entrepreneur, politician, or journalist.

How you see yourself: compassionate, unselfish, and understanding

When other people don't get you, they see you as: gushy, emotional, and unfocused

Teens Suck, inside version

Do I look like a slave? Have I in any way made you think I was subservient? Do I seem as if I enjoy being ordered around?

My little twerp of a 17 year old is peeved at me(what's new?)because he mentioned at 10:30P.M., right after I picked him up at his GF's house, that he has 2 baseball games tommorow. He just got his cast off today. The doctor said don't jump into pitching, work it in slowly. Not to mention the kid never thanked me for any of the other specific things I did for him today.

Yet I'm supposed to get up at 6:30 A.M. and drive him to God knows where so he can play baseball with a team that has treated him like shit, with his unstretched and therefore vulnerable tendons and muscles? Oh and I'd have to blow off school to do it. My career and education are totally unimportant to the spoiled brat that is my son.

Argh. He just tried to go out w/o asking again. Dude! I am the mother and if you continue to disrespect me I'm turning off your phone, ya hear? After that it'll be the internet.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Yeeps! My Blog Got An Award

Tena from My Therapy one of my two readers on this wacky blog, gave me a this lovely award. Thanks Tena! Tena's the mother of four kids, trapped in a middle-upper class 'hood where the Gap Mothers reign. YURK! Gap Mothers are not real. They never have spots on their impeccable clothes (more like Nordstrom Mothers to me) and in their insanely huge SUVs which guzzle $4.50 a gallon gas like the moms guzzle mojitos every night before dinner. You know the type~they seem all perfect and their kids are perfect and no one ever crosses that human Mom line. HA! Pseudomothers. Cuz us real moms love t-shirts 'n' sweats and darn if my pedicure doesn't need updating feet. :P

Tena a real mom stuck on the Twilight Zone. Send the woman props for surviving!!!
(swells of applause)

Tuesday, July 15, 2008


Where's my rain? Why live in Seattle if it never rains? Might as well be back in LA. No, no no. Cannot live with the plastic people again. 10 years was plenty. Fake hair, fake boobs, popularity rated on looks. How you look. How your house looks. How expensive your car is and how it looks. How your kids look. Blah blah blah. Orange County is for wannabes.

I might miss my beaches and the ocean but I don't miss Cali.

Even the midwest cools down once in awhile in July. Give me a thunderstorm as long as it rains.

Rain~wet, cool, lovely rain. Come home my clouds. Come home.

Monday, July 14, 2008

What brain?

My pal from nutrition class could not remeber her basic anatomy tonight at lecture. We're going over proteins and how important the liver is in this process and she had forgotten that the bile duct and the pancreatic duct kind of merge into the small intestine at a juncture. Basic stuff. It's way cool to read all this complex amino acid and essential enzymes and understand what they are for and how they work. I did learn in A&P. I've retained quite a bit. Cool. I love being a jump up on most. The chemistry I learned last summer is coming in handy as well. All the prep classes are melding together to make my comprehension high.

It makes me feel smart but also impatient. I felt like telling my pal to get out the anatomy book and review the basics otherwise pharmacology is gonna kill her. She hasn't taken chem or the 200 series in anatomy either.

The rest of my brain is rotting from excessive heat and teenager input.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Very Little

There's very little going on in my brain except static. You know~the stuff I learned today on math class, various nutrition facts, what's due Monday, telling myself I am not hungry cuz I'm not....

I'm not concentrating on any one thing well. It's a mish mash. Since I've gone back to college I've found it hard to concentrate on any books unrelated to my classes even when I'm off school. I used to read 3-6 books a week, now........maybe 6 a year.

I guess because my brain is older it can only deal with so much information and pushes extraneous stuff out. That's not including long term memory. Most of my LTM in intact.

I'm boring today.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008


I'm already tired of negative campaign ads and there's months left. ARGH. I may need to turn off my tv or commit hari-kari to survive. If I never saw another political ad it would be too soon.

Is Jesse Jackson a moron or what? Why is one powerful black man saying things to bring down another powerful black man? Jealousy. Cuz Jesse never got this close to being president. I don't care why, I do not want to know whose nuts Jackson wants to cut off. EVER!

Is A-Rod one of the stupidest and most arrogant jerk on earth? Imbecile. Flaunt Madonna and kabbalah in your wife's face...what did you think dude she'd sit there and let you make a fool out of her. 3 months after giving birth to your second child. A-Rod you are pathetic and I'm so glad you left Seattle when ya did. If you were my husband I would do a Bobbitt with a dull fork on you. For shore.

New sex symbols~Olympic athletes with washboard stomachs and fast fast times. Male for me. Oh la laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Michael Phelps can swim in my pool any day as long as he never speaks a word. I just like the way he looks not what he has to say. Swim like a shark baby and set more world records. That's what I like in a man.


I am lazy. Already tired of summer school. Not too thrilled with temps in the 80's either but I am a heat weenie.

I am tired lately. I will have them take blood tests at my annual appt in 2 weeks. More tired than normal. I need a titer for vaccines for nursing school anyhoo.

Monday, July 7, 2008

My World Feels Wobbly Today

My 40 yo pal breast cancer spread to her liver. She had a MRI of her head and I pray it hasn't spread further. She is years younger then me. Why does this happen to the best people? It makes no sense. I had stopped asking why after Brennan and our super rare mitochondrial metabolic something is wrong in one codon of one enzyme of DNA. Cuz stuff like that just doesn't happen every day.

But part of my raised Catholic self felt maybe I did something in my life to cause Brennan's death. I know it's bullshit but Catholic guilt is rooted very deeply. The God I was taught about as a child was vengeful God. I don't know why all the stuff with Brennie happened I just fear that was my hell on earth.

The one person I could count on for the past 15 years is history. She's too busy with her job, her disabled son, her son home from college-all of which I get. Then there's the guy she met on e-harmony. I don't get him. Since he showed up our friend ship has been slipping away. Poor pitiful Janice has no one she can count on in an emergency in the state of Washington or California where my family who can't be bother to keep in touch lives can be depended on either. We don't know each other as adults. My dad's a flaky alcoholic who remarried and who I haven't seen in over 11 years. My older bro calls once a year if I'm licky and he might come if I called and was desperate. My younger Hollywierd bro married to the screenpaly writer/director/producer and they have a 7 yo daughter and I have not met anyone but my brother. You know the one I used to drive to practice and school and junior high dates. Youngest bro getting married in August. 2 days after finals. In Palm Springs. I'd needs airfare, hotel money, an outfit and money to eat etc. Not in the budget. It's a formal Filopinia wedding and quite procey even for guests.

So nice the family I grew up with doesn't miss me at all since my mom died. Yeah, I'm a little bitter. There's a longer story here I don't want to write.

If my spouse went crazy and wanted to kill me I'd have no where to run to. Good thing he is not a violent man.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

Marriage Isn't For The Faint of Heart

I was tired today. Really tired. I am not sure when I finally fell asleep with the mortars going off around me. At 1:30p.m. my ever so pleasant husband came saying loudly, "Gonna sleep all day?" Maybe. What's it to you? This is when I wished I lived alone.

Spouse gets up at 5a.m. naturally. He goes to bed by 10p.m. I never harp on him about that. Right now on Mondays and Wednesdays I get home at 10p.m. because of my nutrition class. He stays awake to say hi and then down he goes. I have no trouble with this because spouse is biologically programmed to be asleep by 10:30p.m. Why can't he accept that on weekends I tend to catch up on sleep I miss dring the week?

Sheep! It's sounds like some one is shooting a rifle outside. I know it's fireworks but damn, it's scary. I'd never make it on the housing projects. The noise skeers me.

I was up for about 4 hours today and then I fell asleep again. I just could not keep my eyes open. When I woke up I got a get enough sleep snotty comment. Seriously I should have said no because I'm still tired.

BBB left very early for Young Life camp. It's very quiet. I know he's going to have an awesome time with his nest friend and many of the kids he goes to school with (the nice ones). High school is still a terrible place. Kids are so mean to each other. The teachers have too many students and the counselors have no ideas who their kids are and they lack the knowledge needed to help the kids graduate to the new requirements. I know because I'm dealing with BBB's issues. If I hadn't jumped in his "counselor" would have left him in a 2 year math class even though he flunked the first semester rendering the entire two years invalid.

I don't remember graduation being so hard back in the stone age. Did I get straight A's? Hell no. I got a D or two because I was forced to move and change high schools in my junior year leaving me pissed, annoyed and enraged. It's so hard to fit in at a high school level but entering a southern cal hs in the middle of november in my junior year.........stunk. I made it worse with a bad attitude. They couldn't even match my classes. I got stuck in normal english! No honors. The HORROR! Everyone was tan and blond and to my imagined intellectual superiority they were pretty stupid. Yes, BBB IS my payback from my mother, karma and the Lord. I was 16, didn't the world revolve around me? Doesn't it still? Bwahahahah. I wish.

Why is it so difficult to communicate validly with my spouse? I can talk to anyone else. Why can't I just say what I'm thinking? Why does he get so defensive? Why doesn't he "hear" me?

My most common thought Why can't life and marriage be easy? I know, I'm such a dreamer. A fairly cynical dreamer, but a dreamer none the less.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Incredulous Disbelief

The screaming teenager, face twisted in hate and anger, can not be the baby I nurtured in my womb, gave birth to, breastfeed until 2.5 years, the boy I aored with my entire being.

Because my baby boy would never tell his mother to shut the fuck up in front of his gf and her friend.(He lost this week's allowance by the way).

What I really wanted to do was put him in his place. He is not the king. He needs to stop paying his dad against me. He needs to get a grip on reality.

Heeds to show me a modicum of respect and I am going after his dad who will stop undermining my authority unless he wants to be single. No more of that shit. The preferential treament has got to stop as well. There are two parents here and if we can't work together we will parent apart.

This kid needs to get semi-shaped up before I start nursing school.

I mean it(using evil mommy angry glare)

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Going Nowhere Fast

How can I sit across the room all weekend long from my spouse and feel lonely? I can look at him and know in my soul that he has no idea what's in my heart, my mind. He has a picture of me before. Before I changed. Before I made it through the loss of our child, our future children. The loss of my mother. His comment about a year after she died and I said he had never expressed he was sorry she died so quickly and so young...I didn't think you got along that well.

Cripes. My family actually shows emotion. I would hang up on my mom if we were arguing. Not that we argued very much unless we were living in the same house and she'd been drinking. Now my mother self-medicated every single night with vodka. I did not understand the reasons very well until I hit my 30's which is when my mom died, I was 34, she was 64. Now I comprehend very clearly why she drank every single night. Why she read to escape her reality.

We had been married 9 years when my mother died and he didn't grasp any part of how much my mother meant to me, good and bad. After 9 years of marriage he didn't know me.

Does he know me any better now? I'm sure he thinks he does. I know he thinks I'm selfish, which I can be. I'm lazy, which I definitely am when it comes to hard labor, house cleaning, doing anything in hot weather. Does he "get" what depression and anxiety are? Nope. One cannot understand what one won't allow himself to feel. He limits his feelings. Or rather his father taught him very few emotions.

I am not sure I can live like this for the rest of my life. I'll get through the LPN program but after that no promises. I have no idea how to break a marriage. I don't know how to walk away. BBB will be out of high school next June.

My mother felt alone and unloved too. I am sure she felt misunderstood and frustrated because she was trapped and she knew it. Her arthritis trapped her where her generation's entrapment stopped.

I do not want to become a bitter and unhappy person. I din't need to hate anyone nor do I need to blame anyone. That's too easy and not fair.

One of us is an adult. This will not be easy either way.

Hot, Sweltering, Roasting Seattle

Heat headache. Old lady body aches. Getting old sucks most days.

I have "math" homework to do. It's more similar to charts of numbers and using very odd ways to get results. For example, there are 12 candidates in election. There are 4 positions. One uses a pattern(sort of) to figure out who is eliminated. Then one figure out who'd be numbers 1, 2, 3, and 4. It's math folks. They call it math for people who dislike math but it's math. Can't fool me. LOL.

My spouse has rooted to the sofa. He has several eyes sprouting already. Should I transplant him into the ground?

A quiz in nutrition tomorrow that I need to glance over. Menu planning due Wednesday. Kinda tedious. Hell, let's be honest. WAY tedious.

I wish I was floating in a large body of clear blue water. Just floating. No worries. No reality except the water and me. Oh and the lobster waiting for me to eat it!!

How Am I supposed to Get Through Nursing School If I keep forgetting My kids' Names??

It's getting a teensy bit scary. I keep calling my brother by my younger son's name and vice-versa. I'm 46, is that too young for alzehemiers?

I was speaking with my spouse tonight I kept saying my son's name when it's my brother, who's wedding invitation we received today.

The invitation made me angry. He was So and so's son and well, my mother isn't so and so. The woman my father married after my mom's death did not raise my brother. He was 27 years old when my mom died. Isn't there etiquette where they add the deceased mother's name?

He was my mom's last child, in many ways her favorite and most painful child. This is my brother who is manic. It took 7 years to diagnose him so we all thought he was drug addict and a loser. All (HA!) he was was mentally ill. I think that news almost hurt my mom more than the drug idea. He was her brightest child, the one with the most potential. He was also the one who lied to her and harangued her when manic and broke her heart numerous times. She really deserves a place on the invitation.

I keep forgetting little details. My oldest dropped by around 11pm last night so I knew he was alive and I completely forgot. At least I can remember algebra now. Hardeharhar.

The entire family is in the wedding except me. I have never met my father's wife, my other broher's wife or daughter or my older brother's dog. When I say I could never run to family, I was serious. I was dealing with over 10 years of grief and depression, what's their excuse?

It's a sad thought but no one will miss me at that wedding. Not one person. Not how I thought families were supposed to be. Move 1000 miles away, Mom dies and no one cares what happens to you. How very American of us. How upset my dad's mother would be.