Sunday, June 29, 2008

Going Nowhere Fast

How can I sit across the room all weekend long from my spouse and feel lonely? I can look at him and know in my soul that he has no idea what's in my heart, my mind. He has a picture of me before. Before I changed. Before I made it through the loss of our child, our future children. The loss of my mother. His comment about a year after she died and I said he had never expressed he was sorry she died so quickly and so young...I didn't think you got along that well.

Cripes. My family actually shows emotion. I would hang up on my mom if we were arguing. Not that we argued very much unless we were living in the same house and she'd been drinking. Now my mother self-medicated every single night with vodka. I did not understand the reasons very well until I hit my 30's which is when my mom died, I was 34, she was 64. Now I comprehend very clearly why she drank every single night. Why she read to escape her reality.

We had been married 9 years when my mother died and he didn't grasp any part of how much my mother meant to me, good and bad. After 9 years of marriage he didn't know me.

Does he know me any better now? I'm sure he thinks he does. I know he thinks I'm selfish, which I can be. I'm lazy, which I definitely am when it comes to hard labor, house cleaning, doing anything in hot weather. Does he "get" what depression and anxiety are? Nope. One cannot understand what one won't allow himself to feel. He limits his feelings. Or rather his father taught him very few emotions.

I am not sure I can live like this for the rest of my life. I'll get through the LPN program but after that no promises. I have no idea how to break a marriage. I don't know how to walk away. BBB will be out of high school next June.

My mother felt alone and unloved too. I am sure she felt misunderstood and frustrated because she was trapped and she knew it. Her arthritis trapped her where her generation's entrapment stopped.

I do not want to become a bitter and unhappy person. I din't need to hate anyone nor do I need to blame anyone. That's too easy and not fair.

One of us is an adult. This will not be easy either way.

Hot, Sweltering, Roasting Seattle

Heat headache. Old lady body aches. Getting old sucks most days.

I have "math" homework to do. It's more similar to charts of numbers and using very odd ways to get results. For example, there are 12 candidates in election. There are 4 positions. One uses a pattern(sort of) to figure out who is eliminated. Then one figure out who'd be numbers 1, 2, 3, and 4. It's math folks. They call it math for people who dislike math but it's math. Can't fool me. LOL.

My spouse has rooted to the sofa. He has several eyes sprouting already. Should I transplant him into the ground?

A quiz in nutrition tomorrow that I need to glance over. Menu planning due Wednesday. Kinda tedious. Hell, let's be honest. WAY tedious.

I wish I was floating in a large body of clear blue water. Just floating. No worries. No reality except the water and me. Oh and the lobster waiting for me to eat it!!

How Am I supposed to Get Through Nursing School If I keep forgetting My kids' Names??

It's getting a teensy bit scary. I keep calling my brother by my younger son's name and vice-versa. I'm 46, is that too young for alzehemiers?

I was speaking with my spouse tonight I kept saying my son's name when it's my brother, who's wedding invitation we received today.

The invitation made me angry. He was So and so's son and well, my mother isn't so and so. The woman my father married after my mom's death did not raise my brother. He was 27 years old when my mom died. Isn't there etiquette where they add the deceased mother's name?

He was my mom's last child, in many ways her favorite and most painful child. This is my brother who is manic. It took 7 years to diagnose him so we all thought he was drug addict and a loser. All (HA!) he was was mentally ill. I think that news almost hurt my mom more than the drug idea. He was her brightest child, the one with the most potential. He was also the one who lied to her and harangued her when manic and broke her heart numerous times. She really deserves a place on the invitation.

I keep forgetting little details. My oldest dropped by around 11pm last night so I knew he was alive and I completely forgot. At least I can remember algebra now. Hardeharhar.

The entire family is in the wedding except me. I have never met my father's wife, my other broher's wife or daughter or my older brother's dog. When I say I could never run to family, I was serious. I was dealing with over 10 years of grief and depression, what's their excuse?

It's a sad thought but no one will miss me at that wedding. Not one person. Not how I thought families were supposed to be. Move 1000 miles away, Mom dies and no one cares what happens to you. How very American of us. How upset my dad's mother would be.