Thursday, October 8, 2009

One of those Days

where everything begins to feel like pressure. I need some dental work done~no money not the greatest insurance. Spouses has been jobless since January, we are quickly running low on money. Seems difficult as hell to look for jobs as an LPN online.

Pupples is getting huge and 21yo is starting to realize he really doesn't want to change his entire life foe this animal.........what's a mom to do where everyone is happy and not overburdened?

Being a mom can really suck. Just had to say it. Teenage boys suck. Luckily I am not a violent person. I'm all talk I would never harm anyone physically and I try hard not to emotionally as well.

Spouse is not a fun guy on the best days(hardened into grumpy type) but after months and months w/o a job he's getting crotchety!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SAVE ME.

We had a small argument because I said a shrub and a bush were basically the same thing and he disagreed. DUDE! Words are my thing, don't mess with me. On the reading test for nursing school I scored at a Ph.D reading level. Words are fun to play with. I like to write. I peruse my thesaurus and read the dictionary as a child so spouse don't question my verbiage. :P~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Babble in a Brain.

Finally a date set for the state boards. I need out of this house. Spouse has been unemployed for 9 months and he's always here. 18yo is not in school and I don't see him trying to find a job. If my spouse won't back me, how can I give ultimatums? Spouse undercuts me much of the time tho he'd deny that. He never takes responsibility for his actions and I doubt that will ever change.

I was not meant to spend my days studying and being in the presence of spouse for 12 hours a day. He had become a person who can't ot won't change. I watch him hardening into his persona, a not very pleasant one.

I have challenged myself to grow this past 4 years. I have taken classes where I have to work hard to master. I have taken intermediate algebra 3 times to get the needed grade.

There have been times of ultimate triumph and times of abysmal feelings of failure. I keep on going. I received my AA and graduated from practical nursing school. I have plans to get my BSN. Not tomorrow but in time.

I believe learning is constant and people must be flexible in their thinking and in their actions.

It feels like I'm hitting my head against a brick wall. My husband has a cemented idea of who and what I am and I don't believe he wants to change that image and I seriously wonder if that would be even possible.

I have changed so many ways in 23 years of marriage, family and life. I have not hardened myself. In fact, I think I have opened my mind and my heart wider than they were 23 years ago.

I'll keep praying and trust in God.