Monday, November 23, 2009

The Darkness is Here

My husband has been unemployed for almost a year. I cannot find a nursing job.

We both sit here day after day looking for new internet job listings as I slowly die inside. I have never been so bored in my life. I am on one of my lowest levels of discouragment as well.

I don't see any way out of financial poverty. We rent the house. All savings are spent.

All I can see is the spiraling downward into a bottomless pit. How will we get out?

I think I'd rather be in the pit alone as spouse and I have nothing in common and view the world from different corners.

I listen to his comments and wonder what the f was I thinking?

I wasn't thinking. That was the problem. We don't mesh at all about anything any longer.

How do I suck it up?

Where do I find a job when the unemployment rate is 17%?

I have not worked for money in 20 years.

I have no clue.

I used to pray and believe God would save the day but lately I cannot have faith in that.

I know there are folks way worse off.

I'm weary and my face has broken out in zits and eczema so I look like a 15yo with graying hair.

Where do I go from here without jumping off a cliff???

Thursday, November 5, 2009


What does someone put on a resume when she's was a saty at home mom for 17 years and then in school for 4 years. No jobs. Except the census for 7 weeks in 2000. No one that I worked with even exists anymore. It was 9 years ago.

I was on executive boards of the several PTA's and Little League. I organized events, volunteers, dealt with administrators and irate parents, entertained and supervised child and adult volunteers, yadda yadda yadda.

Anyone have a creative imagination?

I have filled out one application but I'd like to send a resume with it that can say, under it all, how much I care about patients and believe they deserve excellent care no matter how old, how demented, how sick. Everyone deserves dignified care. They are not just patients they are people. That can get lost in skilled nursing facilities.

I'm a fast learner. I'm realistic about my skills and how much hard work they need. I am willing to be taught anything that will enhance my patients' care. I will work hard. If enthusiasm counts I'm there. If compassion is needed I will supply it.

My other problem is my spouse. Still unemployed and savings gone I guess. He just tells me we've run out of money. We had quite a bit of money set aside for the kids college funds. I'm wondering where much of it went besides living expenses, insurance car and health, some other expenses. I have never known exactly how the money was spent. Spouse is only name on account. But I cannot even begin to understand where all that money went. It paid for my LPN program which was 7-8 grand. My AA was paid for with pell grants and state funding. I've lived in sweats, jeans, over sized t-shirts and scrubs. My underwear has holes. My shirts are fading and starting to wear thin.

Where did the dollars dribble away to?