Thursday, December 18, 2008

Down, Down, Down I Drop...

deep into the black pit of depression. I've been out in the light for so long I forgot how dark and hopeless the pit is. The bottom is hard when one is dropped in unexpectedly.

I cannot foresee any good right now. I feel completely worthless. I feel as if I have no purpose in life. My spouse doesn't notice, not to the extent of asking me if I'm ok. Nothing new there. Denial is his middle name.

The kids are all about their lives. They don't notice because it doesn't look so different from when I was studying for nursing school. It's been awhile since they've needed or wanted me around more than being downstairs just in case.

My lack of close friends makes it easy to fly under the radar.

I am just trying to get through each day, one at a time.

Mixed signals from nursing grades. I don't think I mastered their version of group thought. I have shut my mouth and moved to sit alone so I do not ask any questions during lecture unless called on. I do not speak during lectures at all. I have slept through one or two but only when I had that virus.

The feedback is almost all negative. It makes it harder to slog through the shit of nursing school. No pats on the back from my family. No real pats on the back from anyone, anywhere.

So dark. So inane.

Day by day, for now.

2 comments:

luvsfog said...

You could let me back in. I used to be your close bud. Remember when we used to be each others confidant? For reasons unknown, you shut me out last year before you moved. I've been mourning the loss ever since. But I'm still here, and I could use my friend back too. It's a 2-way street...

Buddha said...

You should try to love and apreciate yourself.
I know it is hard but you have to do it.
here is a little "meditation" I do when I am loosing my bearings. Give it a try: http://buddhaofhollywood.blogspot.com/2008/10/to-fear-or-not-to-fear.html
I wish I could do more for you.
Don't be a stranger, there are a lot of nice people out in the blogosphere, you just have to hope.
Change is possible!