Monday, November 23, 2009

The Darkness is Here

My husband has been unemployed for almost a year. I cannot find a nursing job.

We both sit here day after day looking for new internet job listings as I slowly die inside. I have never been so bored in my life. I am on one of my lowest levels of discouragment as well.

I don't see any way out of financial poverty. We rent the house. All savings are spent.

All I can see is the spiraling downward into a bottomless pit. How will we get out?

I think I'd rather be in the pit alone as spouse and I have nothing in common and view the world from different corners.

I listen to his comments and wonder what the f was I thinking?

I wasn't thinking. That was the problem. We don't mesh at all about anything any longer.

How do I suck it up?

Where do I find a job when the unemployment rate is 17%?

I have not worked for money in 20 years.

I have no clue.

I used to pray and believe God would save the day but lately I cannot have faith in that.

I know there are folks way worse off.

I'm weary and my face has broken out in zits and eczema so I look like a 15yo with graying hair.

Where do I go from here without jumping off a cliff???

Thursday, November 5, 2009


What does someone put on a resume when she's was a saty at home mom for 17 years and then in school for 4 years. No jobs. Except the census for 7 weeks in 2000. No one that I worked with even exists anymore. It was 9 years ago.

I was on executive boards of the several PTA's and Little League. I organized events, volunteers, dealt with administrators and irate parents, entertained and supervised child and adult volunteers, yadda yadda yadda.

Anyone have a creative imagination?

I have filled out one application but I'd like to send a resume with it that can say, under it all, how much I care about patients and believe they deserve excellent care no matter how old, how demented, how sick. Everyone deserves dignified care. They are not just patients they are people. That can get lost in skilled nursing facilities.

I'm a fast learner. I'm realistic about my skills and how much hard work they need. I am willing to be taught anything that will enhance my patients' care. I will work hard. If enthusiasm counts I'm there. If compassion is needed I will supply it.

My other problem is my spouse. Still unemployed and savings gone I guess. He just tells me we've run out of money. We had quite a bit of money set aside for the kids college funds. I'm wondering where much of it went besides living expenses, insurance car and health, some other expenses. I have never known exactly how the money was spent. Spouse is only name on account. But I cannot even begin to understand where all that money went. It paid for my LPN program which was 7-8 grand. My AA was paid for with pell grants and state funding. I've lived in sweats, jeans, over sized t-shirts and scrubs. My underwear has holes. My shirts are fading and starting to wear thin.

Where did the dollars dribble away to?

Thursday, October 8, 2009

One of those Days

where everything begins to feel like pressure. I need some dental work done~no money not the greatest insurance. Spouses has been jobless since January, we are quickly running low on money. Seems difficult as hell to look for jobs as an LPN online.

Pupples is getting huge and 21yo is starting to realize he really doesn't want to change his entire life foe this animal.........what's a mom to do where everyone is happy and not overburdened?

Being a mom can really suck. Just had to say it. Teenage boys suck. Luckily I am not a violent person. I'm all talk I would never harm anyone physically and I try hard not to emotionally as well.

Spouse is not a fun guy on the best days(hardened into grumpy type) but after months and months w/o a job he's getting crotchety!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SAVE ME.

We had a small argument because I said a shrub and a bush were basically the same thing and he disagreed. DUDE! Words are my thing, don't mess with me. On the reading test for nursing school I scored at a Ph.D reading level. Words are fun to play with. I like to write. I peruse my thesaurus and read the dictionary as a child so spouse don't question my verbiage. :P~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Babble in a Brain.

Finally a date set for the state boards. I need out of this house. Spouse has been unemployed for 9 months and he's always here. 18yo is not in school and I don't see him trying to find a job. If my spouse won't back me, how can I give ultimatums? Spouse undercuts me much of the time tho he'd deny that. He never takes responsibility for his actions and I doubt that will ever change.

I was not meant to spend my days studying and being in the presence of spouse for 12 hours a day. He had become a person who can't ot won't change. I watch him hardening into his persona, a not very pleasant one.

I have challenged myself to grow this past 4 years. I have taken classes where I have to work hard to master. I have taken intermediate algebra 3 times to get the needed grade.

There have been times of ultimate triumph and times of abysmal feelings of failure. I keep on going. I received my AA and graduated from practical nursing school. I have plans to get my BSN. Not tomorrow but in time.

I believe learning is constant and people must be flexible in their thinking and in their actions.

It feels like I'm hitting my head against a brick wall. My husband has a cemented idea of who and what I am and I don't believe he wants to change that image and I seriously wonder if that would be even possible.

I have changed so many ways in 23 years of marriage, family and life. I have not hardened myself. In fact, I think I have opened my mind and my heart wider than they were 23 years ago.

I'll keep praying and trust in God.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Recent Thoughts

I have noticed in the past few weeks I talk(silently) to myself all the time. Partly to work out issues, partly because I have no one else to talk with.

I'm 47 years old and have many friends online but only 1-2 in real life. What's the deal?

Part of it is not being a Washingtonian native. Part of it is my entire 566 member family doesn't live here. I don't know why after that.

I have a strong personaility but I've had that longer than we lived here.

I wonder why people don't like me. Or what do I do wrong? I can be socially awkward but not obnoxious. Yet, no one wants to spend time with me.

I want to live in Canada where everyone says hi to everyone else. Where a person would help you if you were in distress. Where people reciprocate dinner or BBQ invites.

I get bored talking to myself some days...............

Recent Thoughts

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

How Stupid

I am so gullible. Or perhaps too much the idealist. I still believe in happy endings and soul mates.

My spouse is NOT my soul mate. I think I knew that going in. Soul mates can be good friends, they don't have to be married to me.

A teeny tiny part of me wishes that Prince Charming would come by and take me away from my life of drudgery. HA! Right. I wasn't meant to have a simple life. I wasn't meant to be a lady of leisure and luncheons and the Junior League.

I want to make a difference in this world. Even if that mean caring for 5 patients in whose life I made a difference. Patients who know I cared about them. I would remember them. I would learn from them. Too many people are thrown away in this society. We need to respect all people. Give them a feeling of dignity and respect. This counts for homeless people, mentally ill people, elderly people, and we need to care about the children.

I might never work for Doctors Without Borders but making a difference can be done close to home.