Thursday, October 30, 2008

Inorganized Central

My nursing instructors, one being the director in place for 20 some odd years, and the newest addition a R.N. and E.ed who filled in at last minute. There is failure to commmunicate what objective we need to learn each week in our nursing fundamentals class.

We finally(normally received the Friday before the week we need to said objectives) got our objective list today after we insisted we had not ever seen it. The teacher, Dr. M, kept saying we got them and I'm thinking why would 26 people lie to you. We're not punking her and I don't think she even knows what punking in.

She nice, brilliant, a disorganized lecturer used to giving 3 hours lectures in university style and I get the feeling the director is being less than complete with what exactly we need to be taught.

It's a small programs and things happen but it's getting damn annoying. I paid $1200 in tuition this quarter and I want to learn. What do I get? Talks about my outgoing personality and how I need to suppress it. I can't be my smart ass self, I have to groupthink and I know the director dislikes me. I could care. I just want to learn. I want to progress. In everyway.

Is this too much to ask?

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

What I Need

I am tired of no one understanding who I am. I want someone to love me, preferably male, as I am today. Just who I am today October 29, 2008. Not who someone wants me to be, thinks me to be, hopes me to be, wishes me to be, or sees me as I used to be.

Someone who'll come up behind me and give me a hug just because he wants to. Not because I asked. Not because he wants to grope. Not because it is expected. Just a lovely and simple hug, with affection and support being transmitted between us. Is that too much to ask for?

I want someone who will not judge me. Who'll accept me as the person I am today because of past experiences. Who's vision will not be clouded by expectations of who I was before today or who I will be tomorrow. This minute loving me in whole.

I had a dream where I was with a man(just some guy no one I know) who watched me as I slept because he enjoyed looking at me. Who ran his hand down my arm just to be in physical contact with me. Someone I snuggled up behind through the night because I felt whole and loved. A person whose face I traced with my fingers because I treasured who was behind the face. I could feel the love from him without physical touch but he touched because it made us whole, together.

A love that demands little and yet every part of me. A love I'm willing to give freely and without expectations of anything in return. Just to love and be loved.

To be treasured because I am me. Not based on looks, education, finiancial reasons. Just a soul to soul connection that lasts forever. I would teasure him for who he is, not for what he represents or what he has. Just for his inner self.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Is this why I worked so hard?

3 years of anatomy and torture, math classes, writing classes, psych classes, chemistry, medical terminology, microbiology, communications, algebra, etc. I worked my ass off to get here.

So why do I feel unsure? Slightly less than challenged. Kinda let down?

Perhaps nursing theory and reality are worlds apart. Or that no one pats us on the back. Encouragement is an excellent motivator but I don't feel encouraged by my spouse, my kids, my invisible friends, the staff.................I know I come off as smart and confident but that is a shell.

How can I validate what I'm doing? The grade thing is not the best way for me, I tend to put too much stick in grades. I got an 88% on my second pharm test. OK I missed a few questions. Is that going to make me a terrible nurse? Of course not.

Now how can I explain that to me?

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Long Week

Even with Monday and Wednesday being off from classes and me getting tons of sleep those two days, it twas a long week.

Thursday morning was dark and rainy as I drove to school with my carpool partner. She is a very bright woman, originally from India 4 years ago, who obsesses when she doesn't get perfect grades.

I myself tend to take a test and let it go. My 104 scores 89, 92 and 94.7. I was actually below the class average for a few weeks. I still had an A. I have a 99 in Pharmacology.

Our 104 tests are tricky and include fictional situations that take critical thinking. Ethics and moral and legal ramifications are very important in health car. My car pool person was brought up in an area where ethics aren't an option. One never questions a teacher or a doctor and moral dilemmas just don't exist.

She's been driving me a little cuckoo asking about all these things. She relentlessly questions anyone who will answer but myself and another friend in particular. 2-3 woman have perfect grades in 104 and it's driving her nutso because she can't figure out how to do that. She has a 91% average. She's in country that doesn't speak her native language and is culturally 180 degrees from what she is used to.

If she asks me again about test questions after a test is over I may just whack her upside the head.

She means no harm but OY once the test is over it's freakin over. I am ambitious but I'm not trying for 4.0 throughout the program. Some of this is about learning skills that can't be quantified by grades.

She's gonna dwive me cwazeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Monday, October 20, 2008


That's how I feel today. Numb. No school as it was a teacher work day(who knew they had these at community colleges).

I did read the voter's pamphlet this afternoon. I had no idea we had socialists running for president! I found it all most amusing. Now I am infomred about almost everything on the ballot except the judges. How does one find out facts about the judges?

I ran into my first real life Sarah Palin supporter today. I almost fell over when she said Palin was great! I had no clue my neighborhood was harboring Republicans! =:-0

Clinical tomorrow, then Wednesday off and back to tests and classes Thursday, Friday.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Slighty Off The Path

When I was a younger girl I wasn't the girl imagining weddings and tulle and bridesmaid. I had never planned out a wedding until I actually got married in my low key budget minded wedding.

I realized lately that many young girls play "wedding" quite a bit. I used to play war with my younger brothers and their friends. I was always the General and they always had to do what I said. Sounds more like me, doesn't it?

I know girls and women who think the wedding in the be all and end all. Nope. It's just the first day of your marriage.

I was the girl who read in the willow tree instead of playing tag. Adventuring across the world held my attention more than getting "frozen" in tag.

I am me. I'm not a total rebel but I'm not a conformer either. I think I was the vote for Ronald Reagan in Orange County, CA in the 1980 presidential. Living among right wingers never influenced my liberal political views.

I had a wonderful childhood for 16 years. Then I got pissed. How dare my parents move me 2000 miles in the middle of my junior year? I spread my anger and my selfish indignant rage with anyone within 10 feet of me. I had so much growing up to do.

My life since 1986 has been full of sharp turns on the road. Through the bad and difficult times I did the best I could. In the calm valleys I learned to breathe and how to utilize what I learned from the difficult time.

My life road is twisty and curvy and hangs on the edge of cliffs here and there. That's just fact. I have learned many lessons on my life road and have more to go.

Lesson this week: One might have to conform to reach one's goals. This seems less painful that stapling my mouth shut.

What do you think?

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Lonesome Loser

That old Eagles song Lonesome Loser keeps going through my head. I wasn't having the best week and tonight I had a "meeting" with my clinical instructor who was representing the other nursing instructors and some other students I seem to annoy the hell out of . Huh? Sometimes I may talk too much. I've been working on it. I ask questions unrelated to topic. I have no idea why I was told this. I have been trying very hard to ask only related and relevent questions.

Message I received: Shut the hell up in class/out of class/during practicals. Am I really that obnoxious?

I already have a spouse who thinks I am not capable of getting through the nursing program. Now more people who'd rather I wasn't in the program at all.

I feel totally useless right now. I have kids who are grown and don't really need me. I have no friends in real life. My husband doesn't support and or believe in me. Do I even have a point in life?

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Cranky Bitch

I am cranky bitch today. No discernable cause. Just cranky. Bitchy. Tired. Me.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Surprise, Suprise

I have pissed off my teenager again. I thought I was teasing him but he says I was angry and mean. Um...................ok. What drugs are you on son? Do you all know what it's like living with a hypersensitive teenager with hormones running amok and drama being his middle name? OY! It's a headache.

I am tired. Mentally, physically and attutudinally.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Never a Smooth Road

Crud. What if I have bladder cancer? Or need dialysis for whatever kidney issue I may or may not have? I have no time for this crap. Call now!!!!!!!!

Just as things in my life is getting along the way I want it to, bam. I hope this is nothing. But when the doc won't leave it in a message and won't let the nurse tell you's usually not so they can say "hey! you're extra special healthy!" If only.

This is so frustrating.

Saturday, October 4, 2008


I have plans. Plans for my future. No snot nosed little brat is going to derail me. I've come too far and through too much to let the people who don't really matter to screw up my plans.

I will make it through the next 11 months of school. I will pass the NCLEX-PN and find a job.

Then I will apply to ladder up to an RN degree program. I will make it through those months of school. I will pass the NCLEX-RN.

Next step, take an RN to BSN degree program as I wirk as an RN.

After the BSN I will decide on an area to specialize and I will go for a masters degree in nursing or as a nurse practitioner with prescriptive powers. Like being a doctor but better. More human, less lobbies by pharmaceutical interests.

Don't get in my way. I plan on taking those who discourage or try to stop me. Just a friendly warning.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Mean People

No matter how hard I try not to judge others, I always find folks are willing to judge me. There is a girl in my nursing class and my practical group who I could have a smackdown with. She's pushy and loud, fairly un-enducated and thinks she's always right. Fine no problem until she rolls her eyes with the guy in front of me when I answered an anatomy question correctly after I waited to see if anyone else would answer first.

Apparently I am too smart. I am worthy of being derided by a girl who's about the age of my oldest(maybe a few years older) who I've treated respectfully. I do have a negative opinion of her but I am kept it to myself. I only told my husband about her.

I'm going to be the adult here. DUH. Tomorrow I will change seats to the back row so I won't have to see this girl judge me or make fun of me. Hey chica I've been out of junior high since 1977. Yes about 10 years before you were born as you keep reminding me you weren't even born in 1980. (like I care?)

I have spent my life learning, reading, researching as everything interests me. OK I remember my parts of the brain. Sue me. What's the point of taking anatomy & physiology as the back bone of a medical education if I forget what I learned.

Damn I hate being judged. I hate people who think they're better. Better than who? Everyone. And hey! Let's make fun of that old lady in class too. Now there are 4 people older than I in the class including the guy who was aiding her in her eye rolling. Screw 'em.

I'll rise above. I'll be a better nurse than she will because I have compassion for folks of all ages and races. Because I know people are basically the same when it comes to their healthcare needs.

But if one of you would like to make a voodoo doll, don't forget the bleached blond hair with dark showing at the roots, slut clothes that almost show her nipples and crotch riding tight jeans.

The things that irks me the most~she is not taking the program seriously. GRRRRRRR