Thursday, November 13, 2008

Half a Person

Once a woman watches her infant die over 5 months she is never whole again. Maybe other women can regain their entire their selves back. I just cannot. It's been almost 13 years since my child died and I have lost pieces of me forever.

I have gone on with a life, not the the same person so not the same life. I have used my energy to attempt to construct something resembling a life. I am not sure I have succeeded.

I continued to raise my two other boys. They are now 17 and 20. I think I did a pretty good job with them considering my heart bled continuously. After a 6 month-maybe a year when I was faking it. When I was pretending anything mattered. After that I got back into the SAHM thing and continued to volunteer, help in the classrooms, know their friends, feed them, read them stories, helped with homework, etc.

They are not the kind of children who let you ignore them for long. They adapted to a different mother and I grieve for the hard realities they had to face at such young ages.

Maybe this is why my spouse and I have so little common ground. I am not the same woman and I will never be completely whole. Never.


mauniejames3 said...

We had a stillborn little girl honey and it has been so many years
since never, never get over it. Unless you go through it you will never understand. Every January ninth I am a hits me as if it's the day it happened.

Nope hubby doesn't get it and never will. I so envy him.

I am sure your an excellent Mom because you are a wonderful person.

If I can ever help you please tell me what I can do.

Vic Grace said...

I almost lost each one of my sons, 3 of them to various reasons. I am fortunate that they survived. I can't imagine how I would feel had I lost one of them whether if was from the womb or later. Now all grown I hope I never have to experience outliving my children.