Once a woman watches her infant die over 5 months she is never whole again. Maybe other women can regain their entire their selves back. I just cannot. It's been almost 13 years since my child died and I have lost pieces of me forever.
I have gone on with a life, not the the same person so not the same life. I have used my energy to attempt to construct something resembling a life. I am not sure I have succeeded.
I continued to raise my two other boys. They are now 17 and 20. I think I did a pretty good job with them considering my heart bled continuously. After a 6 month-maybe a year when I was faking it. When I was pretending anything mattered. After that I got back into the SAHM thing and continued to volunteer, help in the classrooms, know their friends, feed them, read them stories, helped with homework, etc.
They are not the kind of children who let you ignore them for long. They adapted to a different mother and I grieve for the hard realities they had to face at such young ages.
Maybe this is why my spouse and I have so little common ground. I am not the same woman and I will never be completely whole. Never.