Monday, July 7, 2008

My World Feels Wobbly Today

My 40 yo pal breast cancer spread to her liver. She had a MRI of her head and I pray it hasn't spread further. She is years younger then me. Why does this happen to the best people? It makes no sense. I had stopped asking why after Brennan and our super rare mitochondrial metabolic something is wrong in one codon of one enzyme of DNA. Cuz stuff like that just doesn't happen every day.

But part of my raised Catholic self felt maybe I did something in my life to cause Brennan's death. I know it's bullshit but Catholic guilt is rooted very deeply. The God I was taught about as a child was vengeful God. I don't know why all the stuff with Brennie happened I just fear that was my hell on earth.

The one person I could count on for the past 15 years is history. She's too busy with her job, her disabled son, her son home from college-all of which I get. Then there's the guy she met on e-harmony. I don't get him. Since he showed up our friend ship has been slipping away. Poor pitiful Janice has no one she can count on in an emergency in the state of Washington or California where my family who can't be bother to keep in touch lives can be depended on either. We don't know each other as adults. My dad's a flaky alcoholic who remarried and who I haven't seen in over 11 years. My older bro calls once a year if I'm licky and he might come if I called and was desperate. My younger Hollywierd bro married to the screenpaly writer/director/producer and they have a 7 yo daughter and I have not met anyone but my brother. You know the one I used to drive to practice and school and junior high dates. Youngest bro getting married in August. 2 days after finals. In Palm Springs. I'd needs airfare, hotel money, an outfit and money to eat etc. Not in the budget. It's a formal Filopinia wedding and quite procey even for guests.

So nice the family I grew up with doesn't miss me at all since my mom died. Yeah, I'm a little bitter. There's a longer story here I don't want to write.

If my spouse went crazy and wanted to kill me I'd have no where to run to. Good thing he is not a violent man.

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