Sunday, June 29, 2008

Going Nowhere Fast

How can I sit across the room all weekend long from my spouse and feel lonely? I can look at him and know in my soul that he has no idea what's in my heart, my mind. He has a picture of me before. Before I changed. Before I made it through the loss of our child, our future children. The loss of my mother. His comment about a year after she died and I said he had never expressed he was sorry she died so quickly and so young...I didn't think you got along that well.

Cripes. My family actually shows emotion. I would hang up on my mom if we were arguing. Not that we argued very much unless we were living in the same house and she'd been drinking. Now my mother self-medicated every single night with vodka. I did not understand the reasons very well until I hit my 30's which is when my mom died, I was 34, she was 64. Now I comprehend very clearly why she drank every single night. Why she read to escape her reality.

We had been married 9 years when my mother died and he didn't grasp any part of how much my mother meant to me, good and bad. After 9 years of marriage he didn't know me.

Does he know me any better now? I'm sure he thinks he does. I know he thinks I'm selfish, which I can be. I'm lazy, which I definitely am when it comes to hard labor, house cleaning, doing anything in hot weather. Does he "get" what depression and anxiety are? Nope. One cannot understand what one won't allow himself to feel. He limits his feelings. Or rather his father taught him very few emotions.

I am not sure I can live like this for the rest of my life. I'll get through the LPN program but after that no promises. I have no idea how to break a marriage. I don't know how to walk away. BBB will be out of high school next June.

My mother felt alone and unloved too. I am sure she felt misunderstood and frustrated because she was trapped and she knew it. Her arthritis trapped her where her generation's entrapment stopped.

I do not want to become a bitter and unhappy person. I din't need to hate anyone nor do I need to blame anyone. That's too easy and not fair.

One of us is an adult. This will not be easy either way.

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