DYJHIW?

Don't you just hate it when...morons merge onto the freeway at 45 miles an hour?  The speed limit is 60, that's six-oh not four-five!!!

DYJHIW...your teenager is still very much a teenager? (It's incredible how very stupid I am.)

DYJHIW...your anole dies?

DYJHIW...nothing is really any fun anymore?

DYJHIW...you know getting up at 5:30a.m. is less that 12 hours away?

DYJHIW...sunset is so early it feels like you only had half a day?

DYJHIW...you're forced to listen to Christmas music at work and the speaker is right above your head? (If I had a shotgun that speaker'd be shredded.)

DYJHIW...you're not getting enough sleep?

What do you hate?

Pretty Much A Rant

After working 2 days of 15/16 hour shifts with no lunch breaks and walking into a smelly, not cleaned up house tonight kinda irked me.

When I discovered there wasn't any beer left from a 12 pack I bought a little over a week ago I became peeved. I had not had any one of the 12 bottles of beer. Gee, I wonder who's been sucking it all down on the sly?

The "I just got home and I don't know!" attitude I got from the army boy just pissed me off.

Older son was already in bed asleep without his dog.

Then my spouse asked me if I had a day off tomorrow and I said, not really I'm just not getting paid, I got a "look". I have to shop for the Christmas dinner ingredients, pick up several necessities, get dryer sheets, find stocking stuffers, go get my paycheck, yadda yadda yadda, well, frankly that is NOT a day off.

I think men suck at this very moment. Maybe only men in my household but whatever.

Simone de Beauvoir was completely correct when she wrote "The Second Shift". A woman's work never truly ends until death.

Happy Anniversary

Been married 24 years today.

Why? I don't really know.

I have come to realize that if I don't care of myself no one else will.

That's just the sad fact.

14 hours at work, the perfect anniversary celebration.

Talk About Mixed Emotions

He's home.

Still very much a 19 year old, yet~not.

Strung out because he's been awake 40 hours. Hyper just like when he was a toddler.

Keeps spewing odd stories.

Way too "boys club" for me to fully appreciate I'm sure.

I'm not sure how to feel.

I'll have to get over that. He's in the US Army for four more years plus 2 months.

Oh my.

Who the HELL gave him permission to grow up and leave?

So Excited

He's almost home!

He's almost home!

I'm so excited it's almost pathetic.

Less than six days to go!!!

Almost Time

Less than a week.

My boy will be home.

YEEHAWWWWWW!

It will be wonderful to have some one in the house who has a relationship with the Lord.

I'm going to enjoy feeding the boy until he bursts.

I can't wait to hear his tales from boot camp and what it's like to live outside of Seattle (his first time).

I want to hear his impressions of all the other recruits from differing social and economic backgrounds.

I plan on hugging him at the airport until he forces me to let go.

Less than seven days.

Only three work days.

It's gonna be the best Christmas ever!!!!

Drained

I find myself wondering why the heck I ever wanted to be a nurse?

It's not really much fun.

I don't feel like I'm making a difference.

Mostly, right now, I just feel drained.

Drained by the constant demand of each and every self centered person I deal with at work.

I don't know why I am the least bit surprised that almost every single person I deal with at work from residents to staff are ALL about themselves.

It's not that I want any special attention. Because I don't.

I'm feeling disillusioned.

Completely and totally disillusioned.

It might be nice to feel as if I was part of a team. Yet I don't see a team.

Am I cynical?

I don't think so.

I'm being realistic.

I'm feeling disenfranchised at home.

Unappreciated in both places.

It's hard to see the forest for the trees when I'm so tired physically and emotionally.

Whine, whine, whine.

That's enough from me today.

An Education

Remember all those years I spent in school?

Not a waste of time, yet not that applicable in my day to day nursing.

On the job training is teaching me HUGE amounts of practical knowledge.

When to call 9-1-1.

When to use my own judgement on something like handing out tylenol and tums/MOM/antacids. At my facility over half of the residents have med techs handing out their meds. Med techs cannot give anything without a doctor's order.

At skilled nursing facilities there are certain meds nurses can use their own judgement on like ibuprofen, tylenol, stool softeners, etc.

At my facility only the nurse (aka me when I'm on) can dispense unordered over the counter meds.

I caught the med tech calling the nursing director over a request for tums.

I advised her I had the authority to dispense certain things especially at night when doctors or nursing directors are not readily available.

Who says being a mom did not prepare me for being a nurse? (chuckles)

I've also learned most emergencies aren't really emergencies. Not in assisted living. Residents will NOT die if they get their pain meeds an hour late. Residents will not die if I miss checking their blood sugar before one meal.

The residents are quite durable. (So yes, I am using a tone of irony here...)

Thank the Lord.

I Was So Done

Because people freak out here when there's even a teensy bit of snow I was stuck at my job for almost 72 hours.

I have never been more done than I was last night when I arrived home at 10 p.m..

I had arrived at work at 6:30 a.m. Monday.

I slept over 2 nights.

Yesterday was one crisis after another.

Add in the factors that all the higher ups were gone and will not return until Monday, broken/frozen pipes, one moronic resident who decided to go walking in the iced over parking lot without her walker and yes, she fell, another in facility fall, the vast majority of residents who think it's all about them and them only, being short staffed, and on unto forever....I was so very done.

I am not looking forward to working tomorrow.

I'm not even going into my spouse who's a real ass at the moment.

The 22 mile drive home on 2 hours sleep after my 15 hour day, was so scary, icy, freaky that I sang old French folk songs to stay alert~I was done.

However, I must praise God for helping me get home safe, for the lack of idiots on the road, my front wheel drive car, and many other small graces!!!!!!!

My med tech co-worker who was my port in the storm yesterday~Thanks girlfriend!!!

Now I'm off to attempt to catch up on sleep.

Crazy Days

Oh my gosh.

Last Tuesday was insane.

Left home at 6:00 a.m. and got home at 11 p.m.. Yeah. It was like that.

I had to replace all bingo cards with new month's supply. I had to attend state mandated dementia/mental health class. I had several unplanned events to cope with. Plus I got nailed for my (perceived) negative attitude and my inability to be a team player.

Silly me thought I'd be doing well in the attitude dept. considering I was flying w/o a net 90% of the time.

I apologized for my attitude and my tendency to think out loud. I do appreciate feedback as I'm still learning the job, how to be a competent nurse, and all that.

I do not appreciate being slammed.

Nope.

Being blindsided is just not enjoyable.

I will continue to pray I can keep my mouth closed, my opinion to myself, and to stop thinking out loud.

Or as it was put to me: Stop the advancement of foot-in-mouth disease.

O.K.

Lord, make my thoughts pleasing to you, be in control of my mind, my heart and especially, my mouth.

Amen.

Determination

I am very angry at the moment. At my spouse.

I refused to be drawn into any exchange about my anger.

Lashing out in anger is unwise. I can see this so clearly now.

Tomorrow counseling will begin.

God can forgive my sins.

I want to come alongside my spouse and forgive.

Forgive myself as I am far from blameless.

Forgive him from straying away from his commitment to me. For his complete lack of honesty and disclosure.

I want to heal me.

I want to help him heal.

God is in control and whatever happens is His will.

Trying to Keep the Hope Alive

It's very difficult to see my marriage working out tonight.

I have come to the realization that my spouse has more flaws than I ever knew.

I am flawed as well.

The flaws aren't really the problem.

The desire to change and adapt could very well be impossible for him.

I love the Lord.

I get it. I cannot survive this world without the grace of God.

I do not think I can survive a marriage with a man who doesn't get it.

It became quite clear tonight that my spouse is really all about himself.

That's not going to work for me. Or for God.

Please pray for my husband. He could use all of our prayers right now.

Just a Bad Day

The stress is getting to me.

Now I'm off of all antidepressants and other associated meds, I feel more.

Today I felt grief.

Yes, again.

I sat next to a woman with a 3 month old baby. The baby's eyes were the exact color of Brennan's eyes. The boy who never had a chance.

They were also similar to my 19 year old's eyes. The boy who's joined the army.

My eyes welled up and I had to leave the room so I didn't interrupt the lecture.

I could not help crying.  Damn, I hate when that happens.

Then my spouse is being a bigger moron than normal.

My wonderful 19 year old just told me he's an atheist.  He was mocking me.  Shut the F up brat.  I'm not in the mood.

My sense of humor had left the building for today.

I miss the boy who never had a chance.

I miss the boy the 19 year old used to be.

I miss the me who saw the future as bright and exciting.  The me who loved her husband.  The me who my husband loved.

I know the past is the past.  I accept that.

Could someone please tell my tear ducts to shut the hell off?????

Notes To Self

NTS~some people completely miss irony/sarcasm on the internet.

NTS~never ever offer to do more work for no pay, aka don't be stupid!

NTS~write down prayer team requests otherwise you tend to forget details.

NTS~work on sleeping better as I cannot sleep longer anymore.

NTS~discover if sarcasm is still considered humor.

NTS~find sunscreen! (Though I suspect one of my children swiped it)

NTS~The sunshine will leave before i can find the sunscreen.

What The Hell Happened?

When did my dreams die?

When did my entire life fly by?

I am having a difficult time with this aging thing.  I am not old in my head but my body tells me I'm old with pain and stiffness and the inability to learn tasks as quickly as I was once able to.

The nursing job I have is really a fairly kick job for a nurse but I am unable to remember all the little things after 3 days of training.  Monday is going to be a very long day.  I will arrive there at 6am to try and keep up.  Fortunately the residents are pretty aware of what meds they receive and abut their diabetes management.

My brain has turned into a damned black hole.  Info goes in never to be retrieved again.  It's scary.

How can I adapt my thinking to my age?

I used to believe I could achieve anything I put my mind to.  I was so naive and stupid.

Between my own sabotaging of myself, watching my child die and being completely helpless, the periods of financial instability, my children growing up and becoming people I really do not like at this point, my mom being gone and my father not giving a damn, brothers who I've nothing in common with, the entire ground shifting beneath my feet every time I stand up~I just don't know how all this happened.

I never expected perfect children, a perfect spouse, a life on easy street, jeez I feel my life is ridiculous some days.  So much crap so little joy.

I think becoming a nurse was a mistake.  I honestly wonder if I can hack this profession at all.

What impact (if any) was my life supposed to have?

I am so lost tonight.

Every night.

How does one find themselves?

Maybe I'm in some Monty Python movie and this really isn't my pathetic life.......................

The Drama Begins Again

Younger son's ex-gf is back.

The snappish snotty tone of voice is back from my son!  yippee


It's a really good thing I go to orientation for work Friday.  Because I really dislike teenage drama!!!

It was so much quiet, I suppose.

And I was enjoying his company again.

Sigh.

Things That Might Be Said on My Tombstone

1. She whined too much

2. Mother, wife, nurse, idiot

3. Forgotten mother to Ungrateful first born son

4. Here lies a brave woman who's greatest quality was perseverance

4.3 Here lies a brave woman who's greatest quality was perverse

5. Brilliant Imaginative Caring Soul

6. Left her kids a smack upside the head!

7. Who dat?

8. Regrets Don't Matter Once You're Dead

9. You Can't Always Get What You Want

10. Sometimes You Get What You Need

11. She was no Florence Nightingale (LMAO)

12. She tried.

13. What She did not have time to accomplish, she dreamed she did.

14. Reunited With Her Beloveds

15. Hope Through Humor

16. She should have married for money

17. Cared Through Action

18. Her grammar and typos on her blog were awful!!

19. Unremembered

20. Janice who?

What's A Mom to Do?

In the past month things have gotten worse with my oldest. He lacks any sense of personal responsibility.

He ignores his dog. Or is impatient and kinda mean.

My spouse and I and the younger son make up with tons of love.

Oldest doesn't want to pay us anything except his car insurance and we're getting fed up with that.

I'm his dog sitter and he's not even thankful let alone offering to pay me.

I want to smack this kid up the head with a frying pan! But it wouldn't help.

He is so self-centered and entitles that anything that isn't to his direct benefit is of no interest to him.

AAARRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

It is also getting to the rest of family.

How does one make him understand?

He only hears what he wants to hear.

This adult kids living at home thing...............not fun. Seriously.

I could not write this on my main blog so thanks for listening to me here.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR to my oldest.

Gut Feeling

I've had this stomach dropping feeling before.

When Brennan was slow developmentally I felt it.

When we were in Children's crash room the bottom of my stomach tried to reach the floor. I knew, in my mother's heart, that this would not end well. I knew deep deep down that Brennan would die. I was not being pessimistic. I was honoring my mothers instinct. Damn, I wanted to be wrong. I prayed to be wrong but I wasn't wrong. I was all too right.

Now with this younger son enlisting in the army during a war I am getting the same feeling. The icy cold stomach dropping feeling that bad things will happen.

Sure, I could be over reacting. I could be manifesting normal anxiety.......my gut tells me differently. In the past fews days I have this creeping suspicion my 19yo might not live to see 25.

He will be gone 18 weeks in training in the hell they call Fort Benning, GA. I have not been away from either of my kids for more than 10 days or so. Ever. He got into Airborne Infantry so he'll be jumping out of planes and helicopters in the middle of the night. Accidents have been known to happen.

My friend, please, PRETTY PLEASE pray my gut instinct is totally and completely wrong.

Please.

so very tired

so tired to trying to pretend I'm someone else

some one they'll want to hire

some one who's quiet and shy

someone not so bright

some one who can't think for herself or have any opinions

maybe it's time to write a book

HOW NOT TO FIT IN HERE IN THE NORTHWEST

a veritable bible of how not to act, think, speak

how to stop hating myself because I'm not a piece of the puzzle

time to move

a small island where I live alone....... by myself on an island

if I'm gonna live on an island I want warm water
screw the 42 degree water around here

or perhaps a monk in tibet

what ever.

Worst Freakin' NIghtmare

My sweet, thoughtful blond blued at birth child want to join the army.

OMG. Please no.

I've already lost one child and the ability to have more children, I don't want anymore losses.

He's 19. Thinks Rangers are cool.

Life is not a videogame.

I cannot take anymore stress and worry.

Dear Lord if you were ever going to help me please help me NOW!

This Is Not Where I had Expected to Be

48 years old.

Overweight.

No real friends.

A spouse who doesn't even like me, let alone love me.

We have very different definitions of love.

I had no idea I was marrying someone who cannot deal with any emotions beyond negative ones.

I have not written a book.

I have not finished my bachelor's degree.

If I vanished, seriously, who would care past a few days?

I can't think of anyone.

When I think of my life loser is the word that comes to mind.

We're in debt because G. has been unemployed over a year.

I cannot find a nursing job 6 months after I passed the NCLEX.

No one calls me.

I have to call people.

Spouse is so "tired" of me and the way I am.

What more can I expect from someone who called me disgusting?

Someone who'd rather listen to a commercial and gets pissed if I interrupt it?

My children are indifferent/rebellious/bored.

I'm even last on the dog's list.

I never planned on being this old.

I don't feel so old.

At the very least I thought I'd be doing something useful.

I'm not.

I have no relationship with the in-laws.

I have no relationship with my brothers or my dad.

I have no where to go.

Walking out of here might get me to Idaho, broke and alone.

Why can't I get hired? I worked so hard last year!

I sacrificed my dignity, what little self-esteem I had, and my own individual 'selfness' to be a sheep so I could pass.

Who gives a care?

Whose life have I touched profoundly?

How many people who have forgotten me in 48 years?

How many want to forget me?

If God is so faithful why can't I be optimistic naturally?

Why can't I have good points?

Things that make me a work of His.

Genuine

Honest, almost painfully so

Empathetic

Passionate

Why don't I have a glow from the Lord beaming through me?

Memory

Sarcastic

Funny

Silly

Smart(but not half as smart as I think I am)

Why doesn't my spouse love me?

He told me he did 24 years ago, I'm not sure he ever did though.

I'm also socially, awkward at the worst possible times

Courage

crippling self-doubt

Now as I become old, where do I go from here?

I can't picture any future

I am lost in my aloneness

What is the point?

Anyone have any answer to that?

I'd love some insight.

Wait and See

By Brandon Heath

Wait and SeeI was born in Tennessee, late July humidity,
Doctors said I was lucky to be alive
I've been troubled since the day that I got here,
Troubled to the day I disappear
That'll be the day that I finally get it right

There is hope, for me yet,
Because God won't forget,
All the plans HE's made for me
I have to wait and see,
HE's not finished with me yet,
HE's not finished with me yet

I never really was that good in school;
Talked too much, broke the rules
My teachers thought I was a hopeless fool, all right.
I don't know how but I made it through,
It's one of those things you gotta do
I always had a knack for telling the truth.

There is hope, for me yet,
Because God won't forget,
All the plans HE's made for me
I have to wait and see,
HE's not finished with me yet,
HE's not finished with me yet

Still wonderin' why I'm here.
Still wrestling with my fear
But oh... HE's up to something,
And the farther out I go,
I've seen enough to know
That I'm not here for nothin'...
He's up to somethin'.

So now's my time to be a man,
Follow my heart as far as I can
No tellin' where I'm ending up tonight
I never slow down (or so it seems),
But singing my heart is one of my dreams
All I gotta do is hold on tight.

There is hope, for me yet,
Because God won't forget,
All the plans HE's made for me
I have to wait and see,
HE's not finished with me yet,
HE's not finished with me yet
HE's not finished with me yet,
HE's not finished with me yet

GOD, teach me to trust You
Teach me to follow You
Teach me about You
GOD, bless us
GOD, lead us


More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/b/brandon_heath/#share

Blame Game

Once again, it's all MY fault.

Snort.

Youngest son got a job with a nearby hardware box store. Woohoo! No more "borrowing".

YS needs a copy of his birth certificate.

Since we moved in here 2 years ago, many boxes have been left packed. I have no clue where his bc is. My spouse use to have a locked file cabinet where he kept such things.

He tells me he's looked through his stuff several times(bull-choo)and he doesn't have it.

Therefore it is MY fault. As per usual.

Whenever something happens it's my fault. I'm getting freaking ass tired of it too.

Moving brings out the worst in us as a couple. Every time we move I was to get a divorce. Divorce by hatchet. Now that is cutting the ties that bind!

He doesn't do any packing until the last minute and then throws stuff in unmarked boxes and or gives it to Good Will.

So how he's sitting to the right of me, I'm on the couch and he's on the love seat. I can feel waves of anger and disgust washing over me.

I want to scream all of my displeasure of the past 23 years but I have too much self-control and because I'd end up in the looney bin. And let's just face it~looney bins have lost all cachet.

It's so joyful to have a passive/aggressive spouse. There's not enough Xanax in the world mellow him out.

Marriage really sucks.

Just Thinking

I do not want to hit my spouse with a sledge hammer.
nded up in ER
I do not want to hit my spouse with a sledge hammer.

I do not want to hit my spouse with a sledge hammer.

Maybe if I keep on thinking that I won't have the urge to find a way to shut my spouse up.

Now he's irked because I'm getting sucked in to watch Real World. I'm already sucked into 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom.

I'm not a huge reality show fan but let's face it: MTV invented 'reality shows',and some of them are fascinating. Normally I would never watch Real World but they're in DC this season and I've never been to DC. One of the guys in the house was 'accidentally' pushed off the porch and ended up in the ER. The guy who pushed him gets violent when drunk. I wanted to know what happened after that.

Spouse looked at me in disgust and threw some of my own words about shows like Survivor and The Bachelor back in my face. Joking but not, you know what I mean.

I want a job so bad. Each day is so long without a purpose. I worked so hard in school and now I've been sitting on my ass for waaaaaaaaay too long. I hate being forced to spend every freakin' day with my spouse. Little things are magnified and my dislike of some of his basic personlity are quite unattractive. I'm sure I'm being totally annoying as well.

I'm going to be 48 in a few days and my life is a mess. No money, no job, no point.