Saturday, September 11, 2010

What The Hell Happened?

When did my dreams die?

When did my entire life fly by?

I am having a difficult time with this aging thing.  I am not old in my head but my body tells me I'm old with pain and stiffness and the inability to learn tasks as quickly as I was once able to.

The nursing job I have is really a fairly kick job for a nurse but I am unable to remember all the little things after 3 days of training.  Monday is going to be a very long day.  I will arrive there at 6am to try and keep up.  Fortunately the residents are pretty aware of what meds they receive and abut their diabetes management.

My brain has turned into a damned black hole.  Info goes in never to be retrieved again.  It's scary.

How can I adapt my thinking to my age?

I used to believe I could achieve anything I put my mind to.  I was so naive and stupid.

Between my own sabotaging of myself, watching my child die and being completely helpless, the periods of financial instability, my children growing up and becoming people I really do not like at this point, my mom being gone and my father not giving a damn, brothers who I've nothing in common with, the entire ground shifting beneath my feet every time I stand up~I just don't know how all this happened.

I never expected perfect children, a perfect spouse, a life on easy street, jeez I feel my life is ridiculous some days.  So much crap so little joy.

I think becoming a nurse was a mistake.  I honestly wonder if I can hack this profession at all.

What impact (if any) was my life supposed to have?

I am so lost tonight.

Every night.

How does one find themselves?

Maybe I'm in some Monty Python movie and this really isn't my pathetic life.......................

1 comment:

Sniffles and Smiles said...

Oh, I'm so sorry...hang in takes at least two years to get the hang of a new job...much less a new profession. After five years, you'll feel you've got the hang of it!! Thinking of you!!! ~Janine XO