Tuesday, May 4, 2010

This Is Not Where I had Expected to Be

48 years old.
No real friends.
A spouse who doesn't even like me, let alone love me.
We have very different definitions of love.
I had no idea I was marrying someone who cannot deal with any emotions beyond negative ones.
I have not written a book.
I have not finished my bachelor's degree.
If I vanished, seriously, who would care past a few days?
I can't think of anyone.
When I think of my life loser is the word that comes to mind.
We're in debt because G. has been unemployed over a year.
I cannot find a nursing job 6 months after I passed the NCLEX.
No one calls me.
I have to call people.
Spouse is so "tired" of me and the way I am.
What more can I expect from someone who called me disgusting?
Someone who'd rather listen to a commercial and gets pissed if I interrupt it?
My children are indifferent/rebellious/bored.
I'm even last on the dog's list.
I never planned on being this old.
I don't feel so old.
At the very least I thought I'd be doing something useful.
I'm not.
I have no relationship with the in-laws.
I have no relationship with my brothers or my dad.
I have no where to go.
Walking out of here might get me to Idaho, broke and alone.
Why can't I get hired? I worked so hard last year!
I sacrificed my dignity, what little self-esteem I had, and my own individual 'selfness' to be a sheep so I could pass.
Who gives a care?
Whose life have I touched profoundly?
How many people who have forgotten me in 48 years?
How many want to forget me?
If God is so faithful why can't I be optimistic naturally?
Why can't I have good points?
Things that make me a work of His.
Honest, almost painfully so
Why don't I have a glow from the Lord beaming through me?
Smart(but not half as smart as I think I am)
Why doesn't my spouse love me?
He told me he did 24 years ago, I'm not sure he ever did though.
I'm also socially, awkward at the worst possible times
crippling self-doubt
Now as I become old, where do I go from here?
I can't picture any future
I am lost in my aloneness

What is the point?

Anyone have any answer to that?

I'd love some insight.

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