I am so gullible. Or perhaps too much the idealist. I still believe in happy endings and soul mates.
My spouse is NOT my soul mate. I think I knew that going in. Soul mates can be good friends, they don't have to be married to me.
A teeny tiny part of me wishes that Prince Charming would come by and take me away from my life of drudgery. HA! Right. I wasn't meant to have a simple life. I wasn't meant to be a lady of leisure and luncheons and the Junior League.
I want to make a difference in this world. Even if that mean caring for 5 patients in whose life I made a difference. Patients who know I cared about them. I would remember them. I would learn from them. Too many people are thrown away in this society. We need to respect all people. Give them a feeling of dignity and respect. This counts for homeless people, mentally ill people, elderly people, and we need to care about the children.
I might never work for Doctors Without Borders but making a difference can be done close to home.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Down, Down, Down I Drop...
deep into the black pit of depression. I've been out in the light for so long I forgot how dark and hopeless the pit is. The bottom is hard when one is dropped in unexpectedly.
I cannot foresee any good right now. I feel completely worthless. I feel as if I have no purpose in life. My spouse doesn't notice, not to the extent of asking me if I'm ok. Nothing new there. Denial is his middle name.
The kids are all about their lives. They don't notice because it doesn't look so different from when I was studying for nursing school. It's been awhile since they've needed or wanted me around more than being downstairs just in case.
My lack of close friends makes it easy to fly under the radar.
I am just trying to get through each day, one at a time.
Mixed signals from nursing grades. I don't think I mastered their version of group thought. I have shut my mouth and moved to sit alone so I do not ask any questions during lecture unless called on. I do not speak during lectures at all. I have slept through one or two but only when I had that virus.
The feedback is almost all negative. It makes it harder to slog through the shit of nursing school. No pats on the back from my family. No real pats on the back from anyone, anywhere.
So dark. So inane.
Day by day, for now.
I cannot foresee any good right now. I feel completely worthless. I feel as if I have no purpose in life. My spouse doesn't notice, not to the extent of asking me if I'm ok. Nothing new there. Denial is his middle name.
The kids are all about their lives. They don't notice because it doesn't look so different from when I was studying for nursing school. It's been awhile since they've needed or wanted me around more than being downstairs just in case.
My lack of close friends makes it easy to fly under the radar.
I am just trying to get through each day, one at a time.
Mixed signals from nursing grades. I don't think I mastered their version of group thought. I have shut my mouth and moved to sit alone so I do not ask any questions during lecture unless called on. I do not speak during lectures at all. I have slept through one or two but only when I had that virus.
The feedback is almost all negative. It makes it harder to slog through the shit of nursing school. No pats on the back from my family. No real pats on the back from anyone, anywhere.
So dark. So inane.
Day by day, for now.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Rest? and Relaxation?
The 20 yo's alarm went off at 6:30am and kept getting louder until I got up and turned it out. The 20yo had the day off and of course, forgot his alarm. Love the thoughtfulness of children.
The 17yo gets to start 2 hours late because of the ice on the road and the fact the buses cannot get up any of the hills.
Spouse made noise at 5am.
Rest and relax my ass.
Yesterday as I attempted to sleep in past 9am the neighbor across the stress decided to use his metal shovel to chip ice off his drive way for, get this, six freaking hours. DUDE. There's this stuff called deicer. Throw it on the driveway and voila~no more ice. Six hours in 20 degree temps chipping away at 2 inches of ice on his driveway.
Nursing classes will be looking like a vacation after 2.5 more weeks of this.
I am just getting crankier each day. I might as well hit my head with a hammer for the next two weeks, same effect. :P
The 17yo gets to start 2 hours late because of the ice on the road and the fact the buses cannot get up any of the hills.
Spouse made noise at 5am.
Rest and relax my ass.
Yesterday as I attempted to sleep in past 9am the neighbor across the stress decided to use his metal shovel to chip ice off his drive way for, get this, six freaking hours. DUDE. There's this stuff called deicer. Throw it on the driveway and voila~no more ice. Six hours in 20 degree temps chipping away at 2 inches of ice on his driveway.
Nursing classes will be looking like a vacation after 2.5 more weeks of this.
I am just getting crankier each day. I might as well hit my head with a hammer for the next two weeks, same effect. :P
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Half a Person
Once a woman watches her infant die over 5 months she is never whole again. Maybe other women can regain their entire their selves back. I just cannot. It's been almost 13 years since my child died and I have lost pieces of me forever.
I have gone on with a life, not the the same person so not the same life. I have used my energy to attempt to construct something resembling a life. I am not sure I have succeeded.
I continued to raise my two other boys. They are now 17 and 20. I think I did a pretty good job with them considering my heart bled continuously. After a 6 month-maybe a year when I was faking it. When I was pretending anything mattered. After that I got back into the SAHM thing and continued to volunteer, help in the classrooms, know their friends, feed them, read them stories, helped with homework, etc.
They are not the kind of children who let you ignore them for long. They adapted to a different mother and I grieve for the hard realities they had to face at such young ages.
Maybe this is why my spouse and I have so little common ground. I am not the same woman and I will never be completely whole. Never.
I have gone on with a life, not the the same person so not the same life. I have used my energy to attempt to construct something resembling a life. I am not sure I have succeeded.
I continued to raise my two other boys. They are now 17 and 20. I think I did a pretty good job with them considering my heart bled continuously. After a 6 month-maybe a year when I was faking it. When I was pretending anything mattered. After that I got back into the SAHM thing and continued to volunteer, help in the classrooms, know their friends, feed them, read them stories, helped with homework, etc.
They are not the kind of children who let you ignore them for long. They adapted to a different mother and I grieve for the hard realities they had to face at such young ages.
Maybe this is why my spouse and I have so little common ground. I am not the same woman and I will never be completely whole. Never.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Cripes
Jeez.
My spouse is being a total dickhead. Yes, I know he's been sick and isn't getting much sleep.
Guess what? I don't care. How many days do I get enough sleep? Not enough.
He's talking to me in a condescending/nasty tone of voice as if I'm an imbecile. Yo doofus, I'm just as smart if not smarter than you. After 22 years you should have figured that out by now.
It a day off today. Dickhead is ruining one of my days off. What the hell is his problem? Soon I won't be getting any days off during the week. I never ruin his days off.
I detest being his target. If he has some underground issue(he's passive/agressive) he should just tell me. Being talked down to really pisses me off. I get enough of that at school.
My carpool partner and I were discussing marriage yesterday. She's Hindi and is in an arranged marriage. In her culture to leave your husband is one of the worst things you can do unless he's physically abusive.
I told her I have no clue what state my marriage will be in by next year or the year after. She was just shocked.
I'd love to bail right now. Right this second but I cannot afford it and my 17yo needs to finish his senior year. I hate this crap.
It's 11:30 in the morning. How do I avoid this jerk all day? Why should I even have to?
My spouse is being a total dickhead. Yes, I know he's been sick and isn't getting much sleep.
Guess what? I don't care. How many days do I get enough sleep? Not enough.
He's talking to me in a condescending/nasty tone of voice as if I'm an imbecile. Yo doofus, I'm just as smart if not smarter than you. After 22 years you should have figured that out by now.
It a day off today. Dickhead is ruining one of my days off. What the hell is his problem? Soon I won't be getting any days off during the week. I never ruin his days off.
I detest being his target. If he has some underground issue(he's passive/agressive) he should just tell me. Being talked down to really pisses me off. I get enough of that at school.
My carpool partner and I were discussing marriage yesterday. She's Hindi and is in an arranged marriage. In her culture to leave your husband is one of the worst things you can do unless he's physically abusive.
I told her I have no clue what state my marriage will be in by next year or the year after. She was just shocked.
I'd love to bail right now. Right this second but I cannot afford it and my 17yo needs to finish his senior year. I hate this crap.
It's 11:30 in the morning. How do I avoid this jerk all day? Why should I even have to?
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Not Much Running Through My Head
Besides the stuff I need to know for tests, case studies and clinicals.
Except a pure pleasure knowing that it's a democratic world once again. Oh Yeah. A democratic congress, a democratic senate, a democrat in the white house. Lots of work to do but I feel some hope for the first time in 8 years.
My state has a democratic governor and legislature. We have lack of money issues to cope with but the folks who care about the health and education are in power.
Since the state of Washington paid for half of my AA degree I'd like to keep scholarships and grants going for other students. Most of my nursing school mates have scholarships. Silly me, who knew they were avalable? NOT ME. Duh.
I hope the extreme partisanship ebbs and cooperation flows so we can have a more effective government in this country. I will be praying for that.
Except a pure pleasure knowing that it's a democratic world once again. Oh Yeah. A democratic congress, a democratic senate, a democrat in the white house. Lots of work to do but I feel some hope for the first time in 8 years.
My state has a democratic governor and legislature. We have lack of money issues to cope with but the folks who care about the health and education are in power.
Since the state of Washington paid for half of my AA degree I'd like to keep scholarships and grants going for other students. Most of my nursing school mates have scholarships. Silly me, who knew they were avalable? NOT ME. Duh.
I hope the extreme partisanship ebbs and cooperation flows so we can have a more effective government in this country. I will be praying for that.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Inorganized Central
My nursing instructors, one being the director in place for 20 some odd years, and the newest addition a R.N. and E.ed who filled in at last minute. There is failure to commmunicate what objective we need to learn each week in our nursing fundamentals class.
We finally(normally received the Friday before the week we need to said objectives) got our objective list today after we insisted we had not ever seen it. The teacher, Dr. M, kept saying we got them and I'm thinking why would 26 people lie to you. We're not punking her and I don't think she even knows what punking in.
She nice, brilliant, a disorganized lecturer used to giving 3 hours lectures in university style and I get the feeling the director is being less than complete with what exactly we need to be taught.
It's a small programs and things happen but it's getting damn annoying. I paid $1200 in tuition this quarter and I want to learn. What do I get? Talks about my outgoing personality and how I need to suppress it. I can't be my smart ass self, I have to groupthink and I know the director dislikes me. I could care. I just want to learn. I want to progress. In everyway.
Is this too much to ask?
We finally(normally received the Friday before the week we need to said objectives) got our objective list today after we insisted we had not ever seen it. The teacher, Dr. M, kept saying we got them and I'm thinking why would 26 people lie to you. We're not punking her and I don't think she even knows what punking in.
She nice, brilliant, a disorganized lecturer used to giving 3 hours lectures in university style and I get the feeling the director is being less than complete with what exactly we need to be taught.
It's a small programs and things happen but it's getting damn annoying. I paid $1200 in tuition this quarter and I want to learn. What do I get? Talks about my outgoing personality and how I need to suppress it. I can't be my smart ass self, I have to groupthink and I know the director dislikes me. I could care. I just want to learn. I want to progress. In everyway.
Is this too much to ask?
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