Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Babble in a Brain.

Finally a date set for the state boards. I need out of this house. Spouse has been unemployed for 9 months and he's always here. 18yo is not in school and I don't see him trying to find a job. If my spouse won't back me, how can I give ultimatums? Spouse undercuts me much of the time tho he'd deny that. He never takes responsibility for his actions and I doubt that will ever change.

I was not meant to spend my days studying and being in the presence of spouse for 12 hours a day. He had become a person who can't ot won't change. I watch him hardening into his persona, a not very pleasant one.

I have challenged myself to grow this past 4 years. I have taken classes where I have to work hard to master. I have taken intermediate algebra 3 times to get the needed grade.

There have been times of ultimate triumph and times of abysmal feelings of failure. I keep on going. I received my AA and graduated from practical nursing school. I have plans to get my BSN. Not tomorrow but in time.

I believe learning is constant and people must be flexible in their thinking and in their actions.

It feels like I'm hitting my head against a brick wall. My husband has a cemented idea of who and what I am and I don't believe he wants to change that image and I seriously wonder if that would be even possible.

I have changed so many ways in 23 years of marriage, family and life. I have not hardened myself. In fact, I think I have opened my mind and my heart wider than they were 23 years ago.

I'll keep praying and trust in God.

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