Questionable

I don't know if I will be a good nurse. I sit here wondering if I can comfort others well. Some days I am reminded how many pieces my heart has been ripped into in the past 13 years. Will there be enough of my heart left over for others?

I just don't know.

I know that no matter how illogical it may be, I don't think I can ever stop wishing for a baby. It's so completely unrealistic and spouse would not be with the plan but my heart keeps saying baby.

It's been over 12 years since I found out I cannot have another baby. Why doesn't my heart want to accept this?

I can't work eith sick babies as a nurse because I know I would be overly emotionally involved. I could never stay professional. Hell, I don't know if I am capable of being professional with any age.

I pray God can help me know what is the right place for me in this world. Hell if I know.

Holy moly frijoles!

We got our reading assignments to prep for next week. At first I thought it was the assignments for several weeks, but nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. It's about 300 pages by Monday. Let's not forget flash cards, notes on the reading, defining all pertinent terms.

The two women next to me starting in complaining about a project for pharmacology. Oh I hate public speaking. Yuck. We have 4 journal reviews in pharm as well which did not please them. I politely said nurses have to disperse information all the time and that a group project was a great way to practice....


Oh if looks could kill.

We also have to review journal articles for fundamentals in nursing to explore the varied issues nurses deal with in today's health care system.

You see I love reading journals. Psych journals, social studies, communications, medical, historical, scientific, micro, etc. And they have a great collection at the library plus their internet server(which I can access from home) allows entry into journals we'd have to pay for if we weren't students. This assignment is one I like very much.

It's rough being a pseudo-intellectual. Snerk. I know. I'm a major info geek. Blame my mother. She instilled the love of all knowledge in me.

I can see the future and it contains much study. No social life. Learning strict time management and then trying to get the Y chromosomes to "get it".

OY VEY!

Achieving One Goal

Here I am, 3 days into nursing school. While I'm happy to be here, I'm also tired at the thought of how much work is awaiting me in the next 11 months.

Hours and days of studying won't be so bad. The days and days of clinicals, following nurses around, learning all the basics and by third quarter I'll be doing 4 days a week of 8 hour days for NO pay. Exhausted by the thought.

I know we work up to it but dang, I think vacuuming one room takes too much energy. Yup, I'm one lazy ass woman.

Hour by hour.

Day by day.

That is how I'll do it.

Pray for me. I need some lightning bolts of energy and brain activity please.

Bitch Doc

It really bothers me when someone assumes they are smarter than me. Automatically. Before I even open my mouth. The bitch doc today treated me like I was a drug seeking moron. I asked for some pain pills cuz BBB has strep. Strep hurts. Alot. Kid hasn't eaten since Sunday. For an active still growing 17yo male~that is forever. She looked at me with a face like why would he need pain pills? Maybe cuz I don't want to hear him whine about how much his throat hurts. He's in pain dumb ass. Did you not hear him scream when you poke his very swollen glands seven freaking times? What are you babe, sadistic? You looked in his throat, it's inflamed and red with yellow white spots, the strep test was positive so why poke the kid?

No one has ever poked me or my oldest when we've had strep.

I am angry because I felt disrespected. I am angry because I felt she hurt my child without purpose. I am angry she did not even ask how much pain he was feeling. I remember needing percocet last time I had strep just so I could swallow the horse antibiotics they gave me. I am angry because she seemed to think my son should speak for himself. He did. He just did not ask for pain meds because she never asked about his pain level. I was advocating for my child, not looking for a buzz.

I don't get buzzed off of codeine, vicodin or percocet. I'm tired of doctors treating everyone like they are junkie drug seekers. Whatever happened to pain relief?

Current studies show people heal faster when they're not in pain.

So Happy I Wasn't born Earlier

I was watching Mad Med tonight. The show is set in 1962 among a Madison Ave ad agency where souls were sold as much as hard liquor.

Women were screwed back then. Had to be perfect housewives. Or Secretaries. Men dictated the social strata.

If your spouse cheated it was because you let him stray.

Thank goodness for women's lib!!!!

I'm not perfect at anything. I'm ok with that. Neither is my spouse perfect.

It took our society until the 90's to discuss mental illness with significant stigma. Women weren't depressed, they had "nerves". Bull shit.

We still have so far to go when groups like the Taliban won't let women even learn to read, outside without a male escort and many middle Eastern men "honor" kill their daughters or sisters because they fear their families have been ruined. If these girls aren't virgins the gov'ts look the other way while they are killed. In the year 2008.

Islam seems to be interpreted by males for males.

The high rate of dying while giving birth is still a sad reality in the third world. The US's rate should be better and our NIH and CDC's cannot figure out why Australia and Japan have much higher survival rates for their newborns.

This is not a fair world. I know this. I want to make a difference. Some where. Some how. I think nursing school is step one.

Freakin' Headaches

I hadn't had a headache for weeks until Thursday. I wish I knew what triggered them. It starts as a band of pain above the eyes and then move to one side, usually behind that eye. It's not dehydration, not not eating, not overt stress as I've been on vacay from school for 3 weeks and have 2 weeks left. Had not had caffeine for a week, no food with additives, no unusual meds or anything.

Not a weather change headache cuz those happen in the am most times. It's freakin' sunny here which makes it hurt worse. I hate the protophobia that comes with headaches. Noise bothers me a little bit but not like a migraine.

Nothing helps. I use ice packs to numb it out from time to time but that's not a cure. Painkillers don't work or least the OTC ones I have.

If you've never had a headache I HATE YOU. I've had them for over 35 years. If I were still a devout 60's Catholic girl, I'd think they were punishment from God. Honestly though, I don't think God pays that close attention to me.

I can't even blame the teens or the spouse. I can't blame anything because I cannot figure out why it happens. ARGH!

Screaming in print hurts much less than real screaming.

Maybe.......

I was out on a walk this evening and I was thinking. I had read all about cholesterol in my nursing book about diseases. I scared myself big time. Damn. My parents both had issues and now I be screwed. If I had known....sigh.

My blood tests done a few weeks ago show very high triglycerides and total cholesterol. Insanely high triglycerides. The last time I was tested(maybe 10 years ago because I had no insurance for a very long time) it was borderline high at 235. They did not break it up into triglycerides(Berry bad), HDLs)good stuff and LDLs(low down dirty dogs as my nursing teacher calls them to remind us in nutrition). My HDLs is low, the other 2 are high. My arteries have been collecting all this nasty ass cholesterol my body mostly makes because of my genetics. I would have stopped eating fast food 10 years ago if someone had clued me in.

In the past year or so I have begun an aversion to most red meats. Never eat hamburgers, only flank steak cooked at home, leanly. I have also cut down on my consumption of fast food maybe 85% just because it started to gross me out. I watched my spouse eat 2 dinners tonight. The healthy baked chicken though he choose the dark meat. Then the disgusting dripping with grease garlic sticks from Little Caesar's. It almost made me nauseous knowing what butter and cheese and white bread can do to someone who doesn't exercise any restraint or any exercise.

I think maybe, just maybe God steered me towards nursing to save myself. Once I save my heart and my arteries and my exercise issues and this hyperlipidcholosterimia. My aunts had yellow blobs under their eyes caused by the excess cholesterol in the bodies and it was ugleeeeeeeeeeeee. I've been so grateful I don't have these xanthomas(yellow cysts, bumps) on my face. I did notice some skin changes on my lega that should go away as soon as I get my cholesterol under control.

If I hadn't been going into nursing, I might have gone into teaching history or something and maybe dropped dead at 55. My mom died at 64, her dad was in his 40's. My dad's parents lived into their 80's but with major health problems. By going into nursing God is forcing me to care of myself. He's sneaky that way sometimes.

Then I can help others. In whatever plans He has for me. I do believe he has plans for me in medicine. I have no idea except the LPN thing.

As angry I have been at God in the past 46 years I have my heart telling me He's sending me where I belong. Doing His work somewhere, some how. Whether my spouse is on board or not is only for God to know at this point.

I found out this weekend is that Riley is proud of his mother and thinks I can go as far in medicine as I want to. Probably the shining moment of my weekend. I have an ally. I need to work on him destressing a bit. One step at a time.










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Attacks

This weekend, at the beach, Geo launched a verbal attack on me when he was supposed to be angry at BBB. He's concerned that at my weight I won't finish or succeed in the nursing program. I gave him a look that said(not that he would get any of this) screw you, I know I can succeed, I don't need you and you're such an ass.

He did a similar thing last week. So nice to know that my spouse believes in me. My 17yo asked me why his dad did not believe in me. I said I don't know. Maybe he feels threatened. I'll have my own money and will be able to leave if I want to. He said I don't understand what dad's problem is. Me either bud. I don't think he got any encouragement growing up. I do know his family never "talked" about anything important. Still don't, for the most part.

I suppose I was supposed to fail when it came to school. He keeps binging up my algebra class and that I had to take it more than once. Passed it jerk. Maybe it took me a year but I passed it with a 100% in the final. Screw you.

He keeps bringing up my past history of never finishing. I'm like just because I get distracted while cleaning doesn't mean I'm gonna fail at life. I made it through the death of our son didn't I?

Now he brought up the meds I take. The only meds added in the past year are the bp med and the cholesterol med. He thinks the meds make me shaky and uncoordinated. Dude, have you not paid attention? I've never been coordinated unless in the water. 22 years and he doesn't notice.

He's so blind. Too bad he'll never be able to see how I have accomplished and how much more I will accomplish.