Half a Person

Once a woman watches her infant die over 5 months she is never whole again. Maybe other women can regain their entire their selves back. I just cannot. It's been almost 13 years since my child died and I have lost pieces of me forever.

I have gone on with a life, not the the same person so not the same life. I have used my energy to attempt to construct something resembling a life. I am not sure I have succeeded.

I continued to raise my two other boys. They are now 17 and 20. I think I did a pretty good job with them considering my heart bled continuously. After a 6 month-maybe a year when I was faking it. When I was pretending anything mattered. After that I got back into the SAHM thing and continued to volunteer, help in the classrooms, know their friends, feed them, read them stories, helped with homework, etc.

They are not the kind of children who let you ignore them for long. They adapted to a different mother and I grieve for the hard realities they had to face at such young ages.

Maybe this is why my spouse and I have so little common ground. I am not the same woman and I will never be completely whole. Never.

Cripes

Jeez.

My spouse is being a total dickhead. Yes, I know he's been sick and isn't getting much sleep.

Guess what? I don't care. How many days do I get enough sleep? Not enough.

He's talking to me in a condescending/nasty tone of voice as if I'm an imbecile. Yo doofus, I'm just as smart if not smarter than you. After 22 years you should have figured that out by now.

It a day off today. Dickhead is ruining one of my days off. What the hell is his problem? Soon I won't be getting any days off during the week. I never ruin his days off.

I detest being his target. If he has some underground issue(he's passive/agressive) he should just tell me. Being talked down to really pisses me off. I get enough of that at school.

My carpool partner and I were discussing marriage yesterday. She's Hindi and is in an arranged marriage. In her culture to leave your husband is one of the worst things you can do unless he's physically abusive.

I told her I have no clue what state my marriage will be in by next year or the year after. She was just shocked.

I'd love to bail right now. Right this second but I cannot afford it and my 17yo needs to finish his senior year. I hate this crap.

It's 11:30 in the morning. How do I avoid this jerk all day? Why should I even have to?

Not Much Running Through My Head

Besides the stuff I need to know for tests, case studies and clinicals.

Except a pure pleasure knowing that it's a democratic world once again. Oh Yeah. A democratic congress, a democratic senate, a democrat in the white house. Lots of work to do but I feel some hope for the first time in 8 years.

My state has a democratic governor and legislature. We have lack of money issues to cope with but the folks who care about the health and education are in power.

Since the state of Washington paid for half of my AA degree I'd like to keep scholarships and grants going for other students. Most of my nursing school mates have scholarships. Silly me, who knew they were avalable? NOT ME. Duh.

I hope the extreme partisanship ebbs and cooperation flows so we can have a more effective government in this country. I will be praying for that.