Down, Down, Down I Drop...

deep into the black pit of depression. I've been out in the light for so long I forgot how dark and hopeless the pit is. The bottom is hard when one is dropped in unexpectedly.

I cannot foresee any good right now. I feel completely worthless. I feel as if I have no purpose in life. My spouse doesn't notice, not to the extent of asking me if I'm ok. Nothing new there. Denial is his middle name.

The kids are all about their lives. They don't notice because it doesn't look so different from when I was studying for nursing school. It's been awhile since they've needed or wanted me around more than being downstairs just in case.

My lack of close friends makes it easy to fly under the radar.

I am just trying to get through each day, one at a time.

Mixed signals from nursing grades. I don't think I mastered their version of group thought. I have shut my mouth and moved to sit alone so I do not ask any questions during lecture unless called on. I do not speak during lectures at all. I have slept through one or two but only when I had that virus.

The feedback is almost all negative. It makes it harder to slog through the shit of nursing school. No pats on the back from my family. No real pats on the back from anyone, anywhere.

So dark. So inane.

Day by day, for now.

Rest? and Relaxation?

The 20 yo's alarm went off at 6:30am and kept getting louder until I got up and turned it out. The 20yo had the day off and of course, forgot his alarm. Love the thoughtfulness of children.

The 17yo gets to start 2 hours late because of the ice on the road and the fact the buses cannot get up any of the hills.

Spouse made noise at 5am.

Rest and relax my ass.

Yesterday as I attempted to sleep in past 9am the neighbor across the stress decided to use his metal shovel to chip ice off his drive way for, get this, six freaking hours. DUDE. There's this stuff called deicer. Throw it on the driveway and voila~no more ice. Six hours in 20 degree temps chipping away at 2 inches of ice on his driveway.

Nursing classes will be looking like a vacation after 2.5 more weeks of this.

I am just getting crankier each day. I might as well hit my head with a hammer for the next two weeks, same effect. :P