Lonesome Loser

That old Eagles song Lonesome Loser keeps going through my head. I wasn't having the best week and tonight I had a "meeting" with my clinical instructor who was representing the other nursing instructors and some other students I seem to annoy the hell out of . Huh? Sometimes I may talk too much. I've been working on it. I ask questions unrelated to topic. I have no idea why I was told this. I have been trying very hard to ask only related and relevent questions.

Message I received: Shut the hell up in class/out of class/during practicals. Am I really that obnoxious?

I already have a spouse who thinks I am not capable of getting through the nursing program. Now more people who'd rather I wasn't in the program at all.

I feel totally useless right now. I have kids who are grown and don't really need me. I have no friends in real life. My husband doesn't support and or believe in me. Do I even have a point in life?

Questionable

I don't know if I will be a good nurse. I sit here wondering if I can comfort others well. Some days I am reminded how many pieces my heart has been ripped into in the past 13 years. Will there be enough of my heart left over for others?

I just don't know.

I know that no matter how illogical it may be, I don't think I can ever stop wishing for a baby. It's so completely unrealistic and spouse would not be with the plan but my heart keeps saying baby.

It's been over 12 years since I found out I cannot have another baby. Why doesn't my heart want to accept this?

I can't work eith sick babies as a nurse because I know I would be overly emotionally involved. I could never stay professional. Hell, I don't know if I am capable of being professional with any age.

I pray God can help me know what is the right place for me in this world. Hell if I know.