Notes To Self

NTS~some people completely miss irony/sarcasm on the internet.

NTS~never ever offer to do more work for no pay, aka don't be stupid!

NTS~write down prayer team requests otherwise you tend to forget details.

NTS~work on sleeping better as I cannot sleep longer anymore.

NTS~discover if sarcasm is still considered humor.

NTS~find sunscreen! (Though I suspect one of my children swiped it)

NTS~The sunshine will leave before i can find the sunscreen.

What The Hell Happened?

When did my dreams die?

When did my entire life fly by?

I am having a difficult time with this aging thing.  I am not old in my head but my body tells me I'm old with pain and stiffness and the inability to learn tasks as quickly as I was once able to.

The nursing job I have is really a fairly kick job for a nurse but I am unable to remember all the little things after 3 days of training.  Monday is going to be a very long day.  I will arrive there at 6am to try and keep up.  Fortunately the residents are pretty aware of what meds they receive and abut their diabetes management.

My brain has turned into a damned black hole.  Info goes in never to be retrieved again.  It's scary.

How can I adapt my thinking to my age?

I used to believe I could achieve anything I put my mind to.  I was so naive and stupid.

Between my own sabotaging of myself, watching my child die and being completely helpless, the periods of financial instability, my children growing up and becoming people I really do not like at this point, my mom being gone and my father not giving a damn, brothers who I've nothing in common with, the entire ground shifting beneath my feet every time I stand up~I just don't know how all this happened.

I never expected perfect children, a perfect spouse, a life on easy street, jeez I feel my life is ridiculous some days.  So much crap so little joy.

I think becoming a nurse was a mistake.  I honestly wonder if I can hack this profession at all.

What impact (if any) was my life supposed to have?

I am so lost tonight.

Every night.

How does one find themselves?

Maybe I'm in some Monty Python movie and this really isn't my pathetic life.......................

The Drama Begins Again

Younger son's ex-gf is back.

The snappish snotty tone of voice is back from my son!  yippee


It's a really good thing I go to orientation for work Friday.  Because I really dislike teenage drama!!!

It was so much quiet, I suppose.

And I was enjoying his company again.

Sigh.

Things That Might Be Said on My Tombstone

1. She whined too much

2. Mother, wife, nurse, idiot

3. Forgotten mother to Ungrateful first born son

4. Here lies a brave woman who's greatest quality was perseverance

4.3 Here lies a brave woman who's greatest quality was perverse

5. Brilliant Imaginative Caring Soul

6. Left her kids a smack upside the head!

7. Who dat?

8. Regrets Don't Matter Once You're Dead

9. You Can't Always Get What You Want

10. Sometimes You Get What You Need

11. She was no Florence Nightingale (LMAO)

12. She tried.

13. What She did not have time to accomplish, she dreamed she did.

14. Reunited With Her Beloveds

15. Hope Through Humor

16. She should have married for money

17. Cared Through Action

18. Her grammar and typos on her blog were awful!!

19. Unremembered

20. Janice who?

What's A Mom to Do?

In the past month things have gotten worse with my oldest. He lacks any sense of personal responsibility.

He ignores his dog. Or is impatient and kinda mean.

My spouse and I and the younger son make up with tons of love.

Oldest doesn't want to pay us anything except his car insurance and we're getting fed up with that.

I'm his dog sitter and he's not even thankful let alone offering to pay me.

I want to smack this kid up the head with a frying pan! But it wouldn't help.

He is so self-centered and entitles that anything that isn't to his direct benefit is of no interest to him.

AAARRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

It is also getting to the rest of family.

How does one make him understand?

He only hears what he wants to hear.

This adult kids living at home thing...............not fun. Seriously.

I could not write this on my main blog so thanks for listening to me here.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR to my oldest.

Gut Feeling

I've had this stomach dropping feeling before.

When Brennan was slow developmentally I felt it.

When we were in Children's crash room the bottom of my stomach tried to reach the floor. I knew, in my mother's heart, that this would not end well. I knew deep deep down that Brennan would die. I was not being pessimistic. I was honoring my mothers instinct. Damn, I wanted to be wrong. I prayed to be wrong but I wasn't wrong. I was all too right.

Now with this younger son enlisting in the army during a war I am getting the same feeling. The icy cold stomach dropping feeling that bad things will happen.

Sure, I could be over reacting. I could be manifesting normal anxiety.......my gut tells me differently. In the past fews days I have this creeping suspicion my 19yo might not live to see 25.

He will be gone 18 weeks in training in the hell they call Fort Benning, GA. I have not been away from either of my kids for more than 10 days or so. Ever. He got into Airborne Infantry so he'll be jumping out of planes and helicopters in the middle of the night. Accidents have been known to happen.

My friend, please, PRETTY PLEASE pray my gut instinct is totally and completely wrong.

Please.

so very tired

so tired to trying to pretend I'm someone else

some one they'll want to hire

some one who's quiet and shy

someone not so bright

some one who can't think for herself or have any opinions

maybe it's time to write a book

HOW NOT TO FIT IN HERE IN THE NORTHWEST

a veritable bible of how not to act, think, speak

how to stop hating myself because I'm not a piece of the puzzle

time to move

a small island where I live alone....... by myself on an island

if I'm gonna live on an island I want warm water
screw the 42 degree water around here

or perhaps a monk in tibet

what ever.