Worst Freakin' NIghtmare

My sweet, thoughtful blond blued at birth child want to join the army.

OMG. Please no.

I've already lost one child and the ability to have more children, I don't want anymore losses.

He's 19. Thinks Rangers are cool.

Life is not a videogame.

I cannot take anymore stress and worry.

Dear Lord if you were ever going to help me please help me NOW!

This Is Not Where I had Expected to Be

48 years old.

Overweight.

No real friends.

A spouse who doesn't even like me, let alone love me.

We have very different definitions of love.

I had no idea I was marrying someone who cannot deal with any emotions beyond negative ones.

I have not written a book.

I have not finished my bachelor's degree.

If I vanished, seriously, who would care past a few days?

I can't think of anyone.

When I think of my life loser is the word that comes to mind.

We're in debt because G. has been unemployed over a year.

I cannot find a nursing job 6 months after I passed the NCLEX.

No one calls me.

I have to call people.

Spouse is so "tired" of me and the way I am.

What more can I expect from someone who called me disgusting?

Someone who'd rather listen to a commercial and gets pissed if I interrupt it?

My children are indifferent/rebellious/bored.

I'm even last on the dog's list.

I never planned on being this old.

I don't feel so old.

At the very least I thought I'd be doing something useful.

I'm not.

I have no relationship with the in-laws.

I have no relationship with my brothers or my dad.

I have no where to go.

Walking out of here might get me to Idaho, broke and alone.

Why can't I get hired? I worked so hard last year!

I sacrificed my dignity, what little self-esteem I had, and my own individual 'selfness' to be a sheep so I could pass.

Who gives a care?

Whose life have I touched profoundly?

How many people who have forgotten me in 48 years?

How many want to forget me?

If God is so faithful why can't I be optimistic naturally?

Why can't I have good points?

Things that make me a work of His.

Genuine

Honest, almost painfully so

Empathetic

Passionate

Why don't I have a glow from the Lord beaming through me?

Memory

Sarcastic

Funny

Silly

Smart(but not half as smart as I think I am)

Why doesn't my spouse love me?

He told me he did 24 years ago, I'm not sure he ever did though.

I'm also socially, awkward at the worst possible times

Courage

crippling self-doubt

Now as I become old, where do I go from here?

I can't picture any future

I am lost in my aloneness

What is the point?

Anyone have any answer to that?

I'd love some insight.

Wait and See

By Brandon Heath

Wait and SeeI was born in Tennessee, late July humidity,
Doctors said I was lucky to be alive
I've been troubled since the day that I got here,
Troubled to the day I disappear
That'll be the day that I finally get it right

There is hope, for me yet,
Because God won't forget,
All the plans HE's made for me
I have to wait and see,
HE's not finished with me yet,
HE's not finished with me yet

I never really was that good in school;
Talked too much, broke the rules
My teachers thought I was a hopeless fool, all right.
I don't know how but I made it through,
It's one of those things you gotta do
I always had a knack for telling the truth.

There is hope, for me yet,
Because God won't forget,
All the plans HE's made for me
I have to wait and see,
HE's not finished with me yet,
HE's not finished with me yet

Still wonderin' why I'm here.
Still wrestling with my fear
But oh... HE's up to something,
And the farther out I go,
I've seen enough to know
That I'm not here for nothin'...
He's up to somethin'.

So now's my time to be a man,
Follow my heart as far as I can
No tellin' where I'm ending up tonight
I never slow down (or so it seems),
But singing my heart is one of my dreams
All I gotta do is hold on tight.

There is hope, for me yet,
Because God won't forget,
All the plans HE's made for me
I have to wait and see,
HE's not finished with me yet,
HE's not finished with me yet
HE's not finished with me yet,
HE's not finished with me yet

GOD, teach me to trust You
Teach me to follow You
Teach me about You
GOD, bless us
GOD, lead us


More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/b/brandon_heath/#share

Blame Game

Once again, it's all MY fault.

Snort.

Youngest son got a job with a nearby hardware box store. Woohoo! No more "borrowing".

YS needs a copy of his birth certificate.

Since we moved in here 2 years ago, many boxes have been left packed. I have no clue where his bc is. My spouse use to have a locked file cabinet where he kept such things.

He tells me he's looked through his stuff several times(bull-choo)and he doesn't have it.

Therefore it is MY fault. As per usual.

Whenever something happens it's my fault. I'm getting freaking ass tired of it too.

Moving brings out the worst in us as a couple. Every time we move I was to get a divorce. Divorce by hatchet. Now that is cutting the ties that bind!

He doesn't do any packing until the last minute and then throws stuff in unmarked boxes and or gives it to Good Will.

So how he's sitting to the right of me, I'm on the couch and he's on the love seat. I can feel waves of anger and disgust washing over me.

I want to scream all of my displeasure of the past 23 years but I have too much self-control and because I'd end up in the looney bin. And let's just face it~looney bins have lost all cachet.

It's so joyful to have a passive/aggressive spouse. There's not enough Xanax in the world mellow him out.

Marriage really sucks.

Just Thinking

I do not want to hit my spouse with a sledge hammer.
nded up in ER
I do not want to hit my spouse with a sledge hammer.

I do not want to hit my spouse with a sledge hammer.

Maybe if I keep on thinking that I won't have the urge to find a way to shut my spouse up.

Now he's irked because I'm getting sucked in to watch Real World. I'm already sucked into 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom.

I'm not a huge reality show fan but let's face it: MTV invented 'reality shows',and some of them are fascinating. Normally I would never watch Real World but they're in DC this season and I've never been to DC. One of the guys in the house was 'accidentally' pushed off the porch and ended up in the ER. The guy who pushed him gets violent when drunk. I wanted to know what happened after that.

Spouse looked at me in disgust and threw some of my own words about shows like Survivor and The Bachelor back in my face. Joking but not, you know what I mean.

I want a job so bad. Each day is so long without a purpose. I worked so hard in school and now I've been sitting on my ass for waaaaaaaaay too long. I hate being forced to spend every freakin' day with my spouse. Little things are magnified and my dislike of some of his basic personlity are quite unattractive. I'm sure I'm being totally annoying as well.

I'm going to be 48 in a few days and my life is a mess. No money, no job, no point.

The Darkness is Here

My husband has been unemployed for almost a year. I cannot find a nursing job.

We both sit here day after day looking for new internet job listings as I slowly die inside. I have never been so bored in my life. I am on one of my lowest levels of discouragment as well.

I don't see any way out of financial poverty. We rent the house. All savings are spent.

All I can see is the spiraling downward into a bottomless pit. How will we get out?

I think I'd rather be in the pit alone as spouse and I have nothing in common and view the world from different corners.

I listen to his comments and wonder what the f was I thinking?

I wasn't thinking. That was the problem. We don't mesh at all about anything any longer.

How do I suck it up?

Where do I find a job when the unemployment rate is 17%?

I have not worked for money in 20 years.

I have no clue.

I used to pray and believe God would save the day but lately I cannot have faith in that.

I know there are folks way worse off.

I'm weary and my face has broken out in zits and eczema so I look like a 15yo with graying hair.

Where do I go from here without jumping off a cliff???

Whatev~~~

What does someone put on a resume when she's was a saty at home mom for 17 years and then in school for 4 years. No jobs. Except the census for 7 weeks in 2000. No one that I worked with even exists anymore. It was 9 years ago.

I was on executive boards of the several PTA's and Little League. I organized events, volunteers, dealt with administrators and irate parents, entertained and supervised child and adult volunteers, yadda yadda yadda.

Anyone have a creative imagination?

I have filled out one application but I'd like to send a resume with it that can say, under it all, how much I care about patients and believe they deserve excellent care no matter how old, how demented, how sick. Everyone deserves dignified care. They are not just patients they are people. That can get lost in skilled nursing facilities.

I'm a fast learner. I'm realistic about my skills and how much hard work they need. I am willing to be taught anything that will enhance my patients' care. I will work hard. If enthusiasm counts I'm there. If compassion is needed I will supply it.

My other problem is my spouse. Still unemployed and savings gone I guess. He just tells me we've run out of money. We had quite a bit of money set aside for the kids college funds. I'm wondering where much of it went besides living expenses, insurance car and health, some other expenses. I have never known exactly how the money was spent. Spouse is only name on account. But I cannot even begin to understand where all that money went. It paid for my LPN program which was 7-8 grand. My AA was paid for with pell grants and state funding. I've lived in sweats, jeans, over sized t-shirts and scrubs. My underwear has holes. My shirts are fading and starting to wear thin.

Where did the dollars dribble away to?