Crazed Brain Blurbs

Feeling Like Crud

2011-01-08T13:55:00.000-08:00

Nothing messes with sleep more than mucus sliding down your throat all night.

Nothing messes with your sleep more than drooling because you're freaking stuffed up.

Nothing messes with your sleep more than that gagging in the middle of the night that leaves your heart rate at 125 bpm and you gasping for air.

Nothing messes with your sleep more than the dull ache in your sinuses slowly seeping into your consciousness enough to awaken you.

Lord, please make this an anomaly.

Help me feel all well by tomorrow at the latest.

I know that's asking a lot but I just don't have the luxury of being sick at this time.

Breaking My Heart

2011-01-02T22:02:00.000-08:00

My son can't wait to get back to basic training.

On one hand, I'm thrilled he's doing so well and feels he made the right choice to enlist.

On the other hand, is it so terrible that he has to run to the military?

He's running towards war. Certain war.

What the freak is wrong with him?

How did I raise someone who wants to kill?

How does this fit into his Christian upbringing?

Was I wrong to not allow even toy guns into my house?

Was I wrong to teach him to turn the other cheek?

How did I raise someone (actually two someones) who callously break their mother's heart, hurt her very soul and then don't even realize what they're doing?

WTF?

All those years I poured into creating them, raising them, supporting everything they did......what was that for? What the hell was that for?

DYJHIW?

2010-12-23T17:15:00.000-08:00

Don't you just hate it when...morons merge onto the freeway at 45 miles an hour? The speed limit is 60, that's six-oh not four-five!!!

DYJHIW...your teenager is still very much a teenager? (It's incredible how very stupid I am.)

DYJHIW...your anole dies?

DYJHIW...nothing is really any fun anymore?

DYJHIW...you know getting up at 5:30a.m. is less that 12 hours away?

DYJHIW...sunset is so early it feels like you only had half a day?

DYJHIW...you're forced to listen to Christmas music at work and the speaker is right above your head? (If I had a shotgun that speaker'd be shredded.)

DYJHIW...you're not getting enough sleep?

What do you hate?

Pretty Much A Rant

2010-12-21T22:56:00.000-08:00

After working 2 days of 15/16 hour shifts with no lunch breaks and walking into a smelly, not cleaned up house tonight kinda irked me.

When I discovered there wasn't any beer left from a 12 pack I bought a little over a week ago I became peeved. I had not had any one of the 12 bottles of beer. Gee, I wonder who's been sucking it all down on the sly?

The "I just got home and I don't know!" attitude I got from the army boy just pissed me off.

Older son was already in bed asleep without his dog.

Then my spouse asked me if I had a day off tomorrow and I said, not really I'm just not getting paid, I got a "look". I have to shop for the Christmas dinner ingredients, pick up several necessities, get dryer sheets, find stocking stuffers, go get my paycheck, yadda yadda yadda, well, frankly that is NOT a day off.

I think men suck at this very moment. Maybe only men in my household but whatever.

Simone de Beauvoir was completely correct when she wrote "The Second Shift". A woman's work never truly ends until death.

Happy Anniversary

2010-12-20T23:08:00.000-08:00

Been married 24 years today.

Why? I don't really know.

I have come to realize that if I don't care of myself no one else will.

That's just the sad fact.

14 hours at work, the perfect anniversary celebration.

Talk About Mixed Emotions

2010-12-19T16:27:00.000-08:00

He's home.

Still very much a 19 year old, yet~not.

Strung out because he's been awake 40 hours. Hyper just like when he was a toddler.

Keeps spewing odd stories.

Way too "boys club" for me to fully appreciate I'm sure.

I'm not sure how to feel.

I'll have to get over that. He's in the US Army for four more years plus 2 months.

Oh my.

Who the HELL gave him permission to grow up and leave?

So Excited

2010-12-13T15:06:00.001-08:00

He's almost home!

He's almost home!

I'm so excited it's almost pathetic.

Less than six days to go!!!

Almost Time

2010-12-12T20:49:00.000-08:00

Less than a week.

My boy will be home.

YEEHAWWWWWW!

It will be wonderful to have some one in the house who has a relationship with the Lord.

I'm going to enjoy feeding the boy until he bursts.

I can't wait to hear his tales from boot camp and what it's like to live outside of Seattle (his first time).

I want to hear his impressions of all the other recruits from differing social and economic backgrounds.

I plan on hugging him at the airport until he forces me to let go.

Less than seven days.

Only three work days.

It's gonna be the best Christmas ever!!!!

Drained

2010-12-01T19:26:00.000-08:00

I find myself wondering why the heck I ever wanted to be a nurse?

It's not really much fun.

I don't feel like I'm making a difference.

Mostly, right now, I just feel drained.

Drained by the constant demand of each and every self centered person I deal with at work.

I don't know why I am the least bit surprised that almost every single person I deal with at work from residents to staff are ALL about themselves.

It's not that I want any special attention. Because I don't.

I'm feeling disillusioned.

Completely and totally disillusioned.

It might be nice to feel as if I was part of a team. Yet I don't see a team.

Am I cynical?

I don't think so.

I'm being realistic.

I'm feeling disenfranchised at home.

Unappreciated in both places.

It's hard to see the forest for the trees when I'm so tired physically and emotionally.

Whine, whine, whine.

That's enough from me today.

An Education

2010-11-27T18:28:00.000-08:00

Remember all those years I spent in school?

Not a waste of time, yet not that applicable in my day to day nursing.

On the job training is teaching me HUGE amounts of practical knowledge.

When to call 9-1-1.

When to use my own judgement on something like handing out tylenol and tums/MOM/antacids. At my facility over half of the residents have med techs handing out their meds. Med techs cannot give anything without a doctor's order.

At skilled nursing facilities there are certain meds nurses can use their own judgement on like ibuprofen, tylenol, stool softeners, etc.

At my facility only the nurse (aka me when I'm on) can dispense unordered over the counter meds.

I caught the med tech calling the nursing director over a request for tums.

I advised her I had the authority to dispense certain things especially at night when doctors or nursing directors are not readily available.

Who says being a mom did not prepare me for being a nurse? (chuckles)

I've also learned most emergencies aren't really emergencies. Not in assisted living. Residents will NOT die if they get their pain meeds an hour late. Residents will not die if I miss checking their blood sugar before one meal.

The residents are quite durable. (So yes, I am using a tone of irony here...)

Thank the Lord.

I Was So Done

2010-11-25T19:39:00.000-08:00

Because people freak out here when there's even a teensy bit of snow I was stuck at my job for almost 72 hours.

I have never been more done than I was last night when I arrived home at 10 p.m..

I had arrived at work at 6:30 a.m. Monday.

I slept over 2 nights.

Yesterday was one crisis after another.

Add in the factors that all the higher ups were gone and will not return until Monday, broken/frozen pipes, one moronic resident who decided to go walking in the iced over parking lot without her walker and yes, she fell, another in facility fall, the vast majority of residents who think it's all about them and them only, being short staffed, and on unto forever....I was so very done.

I am not looking forward to working tomorrow.

I'm not even going into my spouse who's a real ass at the moment.

The 22 mile drive home on 2 hours sleep after my 15 hour day, was so scary, icy, freaky that I sang old French folk songs to stay alert~I was done.

However, I must praise God for helping me get home safe, for the lack of idiots on the road, my front wheel drive car, and many other small graces!!!!!!!

My med tech co-worker who was my port in the storm yesterday~Thanks girlfriend!!!

Now I'm off to attempt to catch up on sleep.

Crazy Days

2010-11-21T21:00:00.000-08:00

Oh my gosh.

Last Tuesday was insane.

Left home at 6:00 a.m. and got home at 11 p.m.. Yeah. It was like that.

I had to replace all bingo cards with new month's supply. I had to attend state mandated dementia/mental health class. I had several unplanned events to cope with. Plus I got nailed for my (perceived) negative attitude and my inability to be a team player.

Silly me thought I'd be doing well in the attitude dept. considering I was flying w/o a net 90% of the time.

I apologized for my attitude and my tendency to think out loud. I do appreciate feedback as I'm still learning the job, how to be a competent nurse, and all that.

I do not appreciate being slammed.

Nope.

Being blindsided is just not enjoyable.

I will continue to pray I can keep my mouth closed, my opinion to myself, and to stop thinking out loud.

Or as it was put to me: Stop the advancement of foot-in-mouth disease.

O.K.

Lord, make my thoughts pleasing to you, be in control of my mind, my heart and especially, my mouth.

Amen.

Determination

2010-11-06T15:15:00.000-07:00

I am very angry at the moment. At my spouse.

I refused to be drawn into any exchange about my anger.

Lashing out in anger is unwise. I can see this so clearly now.

Tomorrow counseling will begin.

God can forgive my sins.

I want to come alongside my spouse and forgive.

Forgive myself as I am far from blameless.

Forgive him from straying away from his commitment to me. For his complete lack of honesty and disclosure.

I want to heal me.

I want to help him heal.

God is in control and whatever happens is His will.

Trying to Keep the Hope Alive

2010-11-04T23:21:00.000-07:00

It's very difficult to see my marriage working out tonight.

I have come to the realization that my spouse has more flaws than I ever knew.

I am flawed as well.

The flaws aren't really the problem.

The desire to change and adapt could very well be impossible for him.

I love the Lord.

I get it. I cannot survive this world without the grace of God.

I do not think I can survive a marriage with a man who doesn't get it.

It became quite clear tonight that my spouse is really all about himself.

That's not going to work for me. Or for God.

Please pray for my husband. He could use all of our prayers right now.

Just a Bad Day

2010-10-14T18:30:00.000-07:00

The stress is getting to me.

Now I'm off of all antidepressants and other associated meds, I feel more.

Today I felt grief.

Yes, again.

I sat next to a woman with a 3 month old baby. The baby's eyes were the exact color of Brennan's eyes. The boy who never had a chance.

They were also similar to my 19 year old's eyes. The boy who's joined the army.

My eyes welled up and I had to leave the room so I didn't interrupt the lecture.

I could not help crying. Damn, I hate when that happens.

Then my spouse is being a bigger moron than normal.

My wonderful 19 year old just told me he's an atheist. He was mocking me. Shut the F up brat. I'm not in the mood.

My sense of humor had left the building for today.

I miss the boy who never had a chance.

I miss the boy the 19 year old used to be.

I miss the me who saw the future as bright and exciting. The me who loved her husband. The me who my husband loved.

I know the past is the past. I accept that.

Could someone please tell my tear ducts to shut the hell off?????

Notes To Self

2010-10-06T12:22:00.000-07:00

NTS~some people completely miss irony/sarcasm on the internet.

NTS~never ever offer to do more work for no pay, aka don't be stupid!

NTS~write down prayer team requests otherwise you tend to forget details.

NTS~work on sleeping better as I cannot sleep longer anymore.

NTS~discover if sarcasm is still considered humor.

NTS~find sunscreen! (Though I suspect one of my children swiped it)

NTS~The sunshine will leave before i can find the sunscreen.

What The Hell Happened?

2010-09-11T19:33:00.000-07:00

When did my dreams die?

When did my entire life fly by?

I am having a difficult time with this aging thing. I am not old in my head but my body tells me I'm old with pain and stiffness and the inability to learn tasks as quickly as I was once able to.

The nursing job I have is really a fairly kick job for a nurse but I am unable to remember all the little things after 3 days of training. Monday is going to be a very long day. I will arrive there at 6am to try and keep up. Fortunately the residents are pretty aware of what meds they receive and abut their diabetes management.

My brain has turned into a damned black hole. Info goes in never to be retrieved again. It's scary.

How can I adapt my thinking to my age?

I used to believe I could achieve anything I put my mind to. I was so naive and stupid.

Between my own sabotaging of myself, watching my child die and being completely helpless, the periods of financial instability, my children growing up and becoming people I really do not like at this point, my mom being gone and my father not giving a damn, brothers who I've nothing in common with, the entire ground shifting beneath my feet every time I stand up~I just don't know how all this happened.

I never expected perfect children, a perfect spouse, a life on easy street, jeez I feel my life is ridiculous some days. So much crap so little joy.

I think becoming a nurse was a mistake. I honestly wonder if I can hack this profession at all.

What impact (if any) was my life supposed to have?

I am so lost tonight.

Every night.

How does one find themselves?

Maybe I'm in some Monty Python movie and this really isn't my pathetic life.......................

The Drama Begins Again

2010-07-21T19:29:00.000-07:00

Younger son's ex-gf is back.

The snappish snotty tone of voice is back from my son! yippee

It's a really good thing I go to orientation for work Friday. Because I really dislike teenage drama!!!

It was so much quiet, I suppose.

And I was enjoying his company again.

Sigh.

Things That Might Be Said on My Tombstone

2010-07-20T18:40:00.000-07:00

1. She whined too much

2. Mother, wife, nurse, idiot

3. Forgotten mother to Ungrateful first born son

4. Here lies a brave woman who's greatest quality was perseverance

4.3 Here lies a brave woman who's greatest quality was perverse

5. Brilliant Imaginative Caring Soul

6. Left her kids a smack upside the head!

7. Who dat?

8. Regrets Don't Matter Once You're Dead

9. You Can't Always Get What You Want

10. Sometimes You Get What You Need

11. She was no Florence Nightingale (LMAO)

12. She tried.

13. What She did not have time to accomplish, she dreamed she did.

14. Reunited With Her Beloveds

15. Hope Through Humor

16. She should have married for money

17. Cared Through Action

18. Her grammar and typos on her blog were awful!!

19. Unremembered

20. Janice who?

What's A Mom to Do?

2010-06-29T23:59:00.001-07:00

In the past month things have gotten worse with my oldest. He lacks any sense of personal responsibility.

He ignores his dog. Or is impatient and kinda mean.

My spouse and I and the younger son make up with tons of love.

Oldest doesn't want to pay us anything except his car insurance and we're getting fed up with that.

I'm his dog sitter and he's not even thankful let alone offering to pay me.

I want to smack this kid up the head with a frying pan! But it wouldn't help.

He is so self-centered and entitles that anything that isn't to his direct benefit is of no interest to him.

AAARRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

It is also getting to the rest of family.

How does one make him understand?

He only hears what he wants to hear.

This adult kids living at home thing...............not fun. Seriously.

I could not write this on my main blog so thanks for listening to me here.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR to my oldest.

Gut Feeling

2010-06-04T23:48:00.000-07:00

I've had this stomach dropping feeling before.

When Brennan was slow developmentally I felt it.

When we were in Children's crash room the bottom of my stomach tried to reach the floor. I knew, in my mother's heart, that this would not end well. I knew deep deep down that Brennan would die. I was not being pessimistic. I was honoring my mothers instinct. Damn, I wanted to be wrong. I prayed to be wrong but I wasn't wrong. I was all too right.

Now with this younger son enlisting in the army during a war I am getting the same feeling. The icy cold stomach dropping feeling that bad things will happen.

Sure, I could be over reacting. I could be manifesting normal anxiety.......my gut tells me differently. In the past fews days I have this creeping suspicion my 19yo might not live to see 25.

He will be gone 18 weeks in training in the hell they call Fort Benning, GA. I have not been away from either of my kids for more than 10 days or so. Ever. He got into Airborne Infantry so he'll be jumping out of planes and helicopters in the middle of the night. Accidents have been known to happen.

My friend, please, PRETTY PLEASE pray my gut instinct is totally and completely wrong.

Please.

so very tired

2010-05-27T11:52:00.000-07:00

so tired to trying to pretend I'm someone else

some one they'll want to hire

some one who's quiet and shy

someone not so bright

some one who can't think for herself or have any opinions

maybe it's time to write a book

HOW NOT TO FIT IN HERE IN THE NORTHWEST

a veritable bible of how not to act, think, speak

how to stop hating myself because I'm not a piece of the puzzle

time to move

a small island where I live alone....... by myself on an island

if I'm gonna live on an island I want warm water
screw the 42 degree water around here

or perhaps a monk in tibet

what ever.

Worst Freakin' NIghtmare

2010-05-13T14:08:00.000-07:00

My sweet, thoughtful blond blued at birth child want to join the army.

OMG. Please no.

I've already lost one child and the ability to have more children, I don't want anymore losses.

He's 19. Thinks Rangers are cool.

Life is not a videogame.

I cannot take anymore stress and worry.

Dear Lord if you were ever going to help me please help me NOW!

This Is Not Where I had Expected to Be

2010-05-04T22:04:00.000-07:00

48 years old.

Overweight.

No real friends.

A spouse who doesn't even like me, let alone love me.

We have very different definitions of love.

I had no idea I was marrying someone who cannot deal with any emotions beyond negative ones.

I have not written a book.

I have not finished my bachelor's degree.

If I vanished, seriously, who would care past a few days?

I can't think of anyone.

When I think of my life loser is the word that comes to mind.

We're in debt because G. has been unemployed over a year.

I cannot find a nursing job 6 months after I passed the NCLEX.

No one calls me.

I have to call people.

Spouse is so "tired" of me and the way I am.

What more can I expect from someone who called me disgusting?

Someone who'd rather listen to a commercial and gets pissed if I interrupt it?

My children are indifferent/rebellious/bored.

I'm even last on the dog's list.

I never planned on being this old.

I don't feel so old.

At the very least I thought I'd be doing something useful.

I'm not.

I have no relationship with the in-laws.

I have no relationship with my brothers or my dad.

I have no where to go.

Walking out of here might get me to Idaho, broke and alone.

Why can't I get hired? I worked so hard last year!

I sacrificed my dignity, what little self-esteem I had, and my own individual 'selfness' to be a sheep so I could pass.

Who gives a care?

Whose life have I touched profoundly?

How many people who have forgotten me in 48 years?

How many want to forget me?

If God is so faithful why can't I be optimistic naturally?

Why can't I have good points?

Things that make me a work of His.

Genuine

Honest, almost painfully so

Empathetic

Passionate

Why don't I have a glow from the Lord beaming through me?

Memory

Sarcastic

Funny

Silly

Smart(but not half as smart as I think I am)

Why doesn't my spouse love me?

He told me he did 24 years ago, I'm not sure he ever did though.

I'm also socially, awkward at the worst possible times

Courage

crippling self-doubt

Now as I become old, where do I go from here?

I can't picture any future

I am lost in my aloneness

What is the point?

Anyone have any answer to that?

I'd love some insight.

Wait and See

2010-04-22T11:21:00.000-07:00

By Brandon Heath

Wait and SeeI was born in Tennessee, late July humidity,
Doctors said I was lucky to be alive
I've been troubled since the day that I got here,
Troubled to the day I disappear
That'll be the day that I finally get it right

There is hope, for me yet,
Because God won't forget,
All the plans HE's made for me
I have to wait and see,
HE's not finished with me yet,
HE's not finished with me yet

I never really was that good in school;
Talked too much, broke the rules
My teachers thought I was a hopeless fool, all right.
I don't know how but I made it through,
It's one of those things you gotta do
I always had a knack for telling the truth.

There is hope, for me yet,
Because God won't forget,
All the plans HE's made for me
I have to wait and see,
HE's not finished with me yet,
HE's not finished with me yet

Still wonderin' why I'm here.
Still wrestling with my fear
But oh... HE's up to something,
And the farther out I go,
I've seen enough to know
That I'm not here for nothin'...
He's up to somethin'.

So now's my time to be a man,
Follow my heart as far as I can
No tellin' where I'm ending up tonight
I never slow down (or so it seems),
But singing my heart is one of my dreams
All I gotta do is hold on tight.

There is hope, for me yet,
Because God won't forget,
All the plans HE's made for me
I have to wait and see,
HE's not finished with me yet,
HE's not finished with me yet
HE's not finished with me yet,
HE's not finished with me yet

GOD, teach me to trust You
Teach me to follow You
Teach me about You
GOD, bless us
GOD, lead us

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/b/brandon_heath/#share

Blame Game

2010-03-12T16:37:00.000-08:00

Once again, it's all MY fault.

Snort.

Youngest son got a job with a nearby hardware box store. Woohoo! No more "borrowing".

YS needs a copy of his birth certificate.

Since we moved in here 2 years ago, many boxes have been left packed. I have no clue where his bc is. My spouse use to have a locked file cabinet where he kept such things.

He tells me he's looked through his stuff several times(bull-choo)and he doesn't have it.

Therefore it is MY fault. As per usual.

Whenever something happens it's my fault. I'm getting freaking ass tired of it too.

Moving brings out the worst in us as a couple. Every time we move I was to get a divorce. Divorce by hatchet. Now that is cutting the ties that bind!

He doesn't do any packing until the last minute and then throws stuff in unmarked boxes and or gives it to Good Will.

So how he's sitting to the right of me, I'm on the couch and he's on the love seat. I can feel waves of anger and disgust washing over me.

I want to scream all of my displeasure of the past 23 years but I have too much self-control and because I'd end up in the looney bin. And let's just face it~looney bins have lost all cachet.

It's so joyful to have a passive/aggressive spouse. There's not enough Xanax in the world mellow him out.

Marriage really sucks.

Just Thinking

2010-03-03T19:20:00.000-08:00

I do not want to hit my spouse with a sledge hammer.
nded up in ER
I do not want to hit my spouse with a sledge hammer.

I do not want to hit my spouse with a sledge hammer.

Maybe if I keep on thinking that I won't have the urge to find a way to shut my spouse up.

Now he's irked because I'm getting sucked in to watch Real World. I'm already sucked into 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom.

I'm not a huge reality show fan but let's face it: MTV invented 'reality shows',and some of them are fascinating. Normally I would never watch Real World but they're in DC this season and I've never been to DC. One of the guys in the house was 'accidentally' pushed off the porch and ended up in the ER. The guy who pushed him gets violent when drunk. I wanted to know what happened after that.

Spouse looked at me in disgust and threw some of my own words about shows like Survivor and The Bachelor back in my face. Joking but not, you know what I mean.

I want a job so bad. Each day is so long without a purpose. I worked so hard in school and now I've been sitting on my ass for waaaaaaaaay too long. I hate being forced to spend every freakin' day with my spouse. Little things are magnified and my dislike of some of his basic personlity are quite unattractive. I'm sure I'm being totally annoying as well.

I'm going to be 48 in a few days and my life is a mess. No money, no job, no point.

The Darkness is Here

2009-11-23T23:55:00.000-08:00

My husband has been unemployed for almost a year. I cannot find a nursing job.

We both sit here day after day looking for new internet job listings as I slowly die inside. I have never been so bored in my life. I am on one of my lowest levels of discouragment as well.

I don't see any way out of financial poverty. We rent the house. All savings are spent.

All I can see is the spiraling downward into a bottomless pit. How will we get out?

I think I'd rather be in the pit alone as spouse and I have nothing in common and view the world from different corners.

I listen to his comments and wonder what the f was I thinking?

I wasn't thinking. That was the problem. We don't mesh at all about anything any longer.

How do I suck it up?

Where do I find a job when the unemployment rate is 17%?

I have not worked for money in 20 years.

I have no clue.

I used to pray and believe God would save the day but lately I cannot have faith in that.

I know there are folks way worse off.

I'm weary and my face has broken out in zits and eczema so I look like a 15yo with graying hair.

Where do I go from here without jumping off a cliff???

Whatev~~~

2009-11-05T21:09:00.000-08:00

What does someone put on a resume when she's was a saty at home mom for 17 years and then in school for 4 years. No jobs. Except the census for 7 weeks in 2000. No one that I worked with even exists anymore. It was 9 years ago.

I was on executive boards of the several PTA's and Little League. I organized events, volunteers, dealt with administrators and irate parents, entertained and supervised child and adult volunteers, yadda yadda yadda.

Anyone have a creative imagination?

I have filled out one application but I'd like to send a resume with it that can say, under it all, how much I care about patients and believe they deserve excellent care no matter how old, how demented, how sick. Everyone deserves dignified care. They are not just patients they are people. That can get lost in skilled nursing facilities.

I'm a fast learner. I'm realistic about my skills and how much hard work they need. I am willing to be taught anything that will enhance my patients' care. I will work hard. If enthusiasm counts I'm there. If compassion is needed I will supply it.

My other problem is my spouse. Still unemployed and savings gone I guess. He just tells me we've run out of money. We had quite a bit of money set aside for the kids college funds. I'm wondering where much of it went besides living expenses, insurance car and health, some other expenses. I have never known exactly how the money was spent. Spouse is only name on account. But I cannot even begin to understand where all that money went. It paid for my LPN program which was 7-8 grand. My AA was paid for with pell grants and state funding. I've lived in sweats, jeans, over sized t-shirts and scrubs. My underwear has holes. My shirts are fading and starting to wear thin.

Where did the dollars dribble away to?

One of those Days

2009-10-08T23:51:00.000-07:00

where everything begins to feel like pressure. I need some dental work done~no money not the greatest insurance. Spouses has been jobless since January, we are quickly running low on money. Seems difficult as hell to look for jobs as an LPN online.

Pupples is getting huge and 21yo is starting to realize he really doesn't want to change his entire life foe this animal.........what's a mom to do where everyone is happy and not overburdened?

Being a mom can really suck. Just had to say it. Teenage boys suck. Luckily I am not a violent person. I'm all talk I would never harm anyone physically and I try hard not to emotionally as well.

Spouse is not a fun guy on the best days(hardened into grumpy type) but after months and months w/o a job he's getting crotchety!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SAVE ME.

We had a small argument because I said a shrub and a bush were basically the same thing and he disagreed. DUDE! Words are my thing, don't mess with me. On the reading test for nursing school I scored at a Ph.D reading level. Words are fun to play with. I like to write. I peruse my thesaurus and read the dictionary as a child so spouse don't question my verbiage. :P~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Babble in a Brain.

2009-10-07T00:24:00.000-07:00

Finally a date set for the state boards. I need out of this house. Spouse has been unemployed for 9 months and he's always here. 18yo is not in school and I don't see him trying to find a job. If my spouse won't back me, how can I give ultimatums? Spouse undercuts me much of the time tho he'd deny that. He never takes responsibility for his actions and I doubt that will ever change.

I was not meant to spend my days studying and being in the presence of spouse for 12 hours a day. He had become a person who can't ot won't change. I watch him hardening into his persona, a not very pleasant one.

I have challenged myself to grow this past 4 years. I have taken classes where I have to work hard to master. I have taken intermediate algebra 3 times to get the needed grade.

There have been times of ultimate triumph and times of abysmal feelings of failure. I keep on going. I received my AA and graduated from practical nursing school. I have plans to get my BSN. Not tomorrow but in time.

I believe learning is constant and people must be flexible in their thinking and in their actions.

It feels like I'm hitting my head against a brick wall. My husband has a cemented idea of who and what I am and I don't believe he wants to change that image and I seriously wonder if that would be even possible.

I have changed so many ways in 23 years of marriage, family and life. I have not hardened myself. In fact, I think I have opened my mind and my heart wider than they were 23 years ago.

I'll keep praying and trust in God.

Recent Thoughts

2009-09-15T00:09:00.003-07:00

I have noticed in the past few weeks I talk(silently) to myself all the time. Partly to work out issues, partly because I have no one else to talk with.

I'm 47 years old and have many friends online but only 1-2 in real life. What's the deal?

Part of it is not being a Washingtonian native. Part of it is my entire 566 member family doesn't live here. I don't know why after that.

I have a strong personaility but I've had that longer than we lived here.

I wonder why people don't like me. Or what do I do wrong? I can be socially awkward but not obnoxious. Yet, no one wants to spend time with me.

I want to live in Canada where everyone says hi to everyone else. Where a person would help you if you were in distress. Where people reciprocate dinner or BBQ invites.

I get bored talking to myself some days...............

Recent Thoughts

2009-09-15T00:09:00.001-07:00

How Stupid

2009-06-09T23:33:00.000-07:00

I am so gullible. Or perhaps too much the idealist. I still believe in happy endings and soul mates.

My spouse is NOT my soul mate. I think I knew that going in. Soul mates can be good friends, they don't have to be married to me.

A teeny tiny part of me wishes that Prince Charming would come by and take me away from my life of drudgery. HA! Right. I wasn't meant to have a simple life. I wasn't meant to be a lady of leisure and luncheons and the Junior League.

I want to make a difference in this world. Even if that mean caring for 5 patients in whose life I made a difference. Patients who know I cared about them. I would remember them. I would learn from them. Too many people are thrown away in this society. We need to respect all people. Give them a feeling of dignity and respect. This counts for homeless people, mentally ill people, elderly people, and we need to care about the children.

I might never work for Doctors Without Borders but making a difference can be done close to home.

Down, Down, Down I Drop...

2008-12-18T22:11:00.000-08:00

deep into the black pit of depression. I've been out in the light for so long I forgot how dark and hopeless the pit is. The bottom is hard when one is dropped in unexpectedly.

I cannot foresee any good right now. I feel completely worthless. I feel as if I have no purpose in life. My spouse doesn't notice, not to the extent of asking me if I'm ok. Nothing new there. Denial is his middle name.

The kids are all about their lives. They don't notice because it doesn't look so different from when I was studying for nursing school. It's been awhile since they've needed or wanted me around more than being downstairs just in case.

My lack of close friends makes it easy to fly under the radar.

I am just trying to get through each day, one at a time.

Mixed signals from nursing grades. I don't think I mastered their version of group thought. I have shut my mouth and moved to sit alone so I do not ask any questions during lecture unless called on. I do not speak during lectures at all. I have slept through one or two but only when I had that virus.

The feedback is almost all negative. It makes it harder to slog through the shit of nursing school. No pats on the back from my family. No real pats on the back from anyone, anywhere.

So dark. So inane.

Day by day, for now.

Rest? and Relaxation?

2008-12-16T07:01:00.000-08:00

The 20 yo's alarm went off at 6:30am and kept getting louder until I got up and turned it out. The 20yo had the day off and of course, forgot his alarm. Love the thoughtfulness of children.

The 17yo gets to start 2 hours late because of the ice on the road and the fact the buses cannot get up any of the hills.

Spouse made noise at 5am.

Rest and relax my ass.

Yesterday as I attempted to sleep in past 9am the neighbor across the stress decided to use his metal shovel to chip ice off his drive way for, get this, six freaking hours. DUDE. There's this stuff called deicer. Throw it on the driveway and voila~no more ice. Six hours in 20 degree temps chipping away at 2 inches of ice on his driveway.

Nursing classes will be looking like a vacation after 2.5 more weeks of this.

I am just getting crankier each day. I might as well hit my head with a hammer for the next two weeks, same effect. :P

Half a Person

2008-11-13T23:21:00.000-08:00

Once a woman watches her infant die over 5 months she is never whole again. Maybe other women can regain their entire their selves back. I just cannot. It's been almost 13 years since my child died and I have lost pieces of me forever.

I have gone on with a life, not the the same person so not the same life. I have used my energy to attempt to construct something resembling a life. I am not sure I have succeeded.

I continued to raise my two other boys. They are now 17 and 20. I think I did a pretty good job with them considering my heart bled continuously. After a 6 month-maybe a year when I was faking it. When I was pretending anything mattered. After that I got back into the SAHM thing and continued to volunteer, help in the classrooms, know their friends, feed them, read them stories, helped with homework, etc.

They are not the kind of children who let you ignore them for long. They adapted to a different mother and I grieve for the hard realities they had to face at such young ages.

Maybe this is why my spouse and I have so little common ground. I am not the same woman and I will never be completely whole. Never.

Cripes

2008-11-11T11:19:00.000-08:00

Jeez.

My spouse is being a total dickhead. Yes, I know he's been sick and isn't getting much sleep.

Guess what? I don't care. How many days do I get enough sleep? Not enough.

He's talking to me in a condescending/nasty tone of voice as if I'm an imbecile. Yo doofus, I'm just as smart if not smarter than you. After 22 years you should have figured that out by now.

It a day off today. Dickhead is ruining one of my days off. What the hell is his problem? Soon I won't be getting any days off during the week. I never ruin his days off.

I detest being his target. If he has some underground issue(he's passive/agressive) he should just tell me. Being talked down to really pisses me off. I get enough of that at school.

My carpool partner and I were discussing marriage yesterday. She's Hindi and is in an arranged marriage. In her culture to leave your husband is one of the worst things you can do unless he's physically abusive.

I told her I have no clue what state my marriage will be in by next year or the year after. She was just shocked.

I'd love to bail right now. Right this second but I cannot afford it and my 17yo needs to finish his senior year. I hate this crap.

It's 11:30 in the morning. How do I avoid this jerk all day? Why should I even have to?

Not Much Running Through My Head

2008-11-06T20:37:00.000-08:00

Besides the stuff I need to know for tests, case studies and clinicals.

Except a pure pleasure knowing that it's a democratic world once again. Oh Yeah. A democratic congress, a democratic senate, a democrat in the white house. Lots of work to do but I feel some hope for the first time in 8 years.

My state has a democratic governor and legislature. We have lack of money issues to cope with but the folks who care about the health and education are in power.

Since the state of Washington paid for half of my AA degree I'd like to keep scholarships and grants going for other students. Most of my nursing school mates have scholarships. Silly me, who knew they were avalable? NOT ME. Duh.

I hope the extreme partisanship ebbs and cooperation flows so we can have a more effective government in this country. I will be praying for that.

Inorganized Central

2008-10-30T22:54:00.000-07:00

My nursing instructors, one being the director in place for 20 some odd years, and the newest addition a R.N. and E.ed who filled in at last minute. There is failure to commmunicate what objective we need to learn each week in our nursing fundamentals class.

We finally(normally received the Friday before the week we need to said objectives) got our objective list today after we insisted we had not ever seen it. The teacher, Dr. M, kept saying we got them and I'm thinking why would 26 people lie to you. We're not punking her and I don't think she even knows what punking in.

She nice, brilliant, a disorganized lecturer used to giving 3 hours lectures in university style and I get the feeling the director is being less than complete with what exactly we need to be taught.

It's a small programs and things happen but it's getting damn annoying. I paid $1200 in tuition this quarter and I want to learn. What do I get? Talks about my outgoing personality and how I need to suppress it. I can't be my smart ass self, I have to groupthink and I know the director dislikes me. I could care. I just want to learn. I want to progress. In everyway.

Is this too much to ask?

What I Need

2008-10-29T16:01:00.000-07:00

I am tired of no one understanding who I am. I want someone to love me, preferably male, as I am today. Just who I am today October 29, 2008. Not who someone wants me to be, thinks me to be, hopes me to be, wishes me to be, or sees me as I used to be.

Someone who'll come up behind me and give me a hug just because he wants to. Not because I asked. Not because he wants to grope. Not because it is expected. Just a lovely and simple hug, with affection and support being transmitted between us. Is that too much to ask for?

I want someone who will not judge me. Who'll accept me as the person I am today because of past experiences. Who's vision will not be clouded by expectations of who I was before today or who I will be tomorrow. This minute loving me in whole.

I had a dream where I was with a man(just some guy no one I know) who watched me as I slept because he enjoyed looking at me. Who ran his hand down my arm just to be in physical contact with me. Someone I snuggled up behind through the night because I felt whole and loved. A person whose face I traced with my fingers because I treasured who was behind the face. I could feel the love from him without physical touch but he touched because it made us whole, together.

A love that demands little and yet every part of me. A love I'm willing to give freely and without expectations of anything in return. Just to love and be loved.

To be treasured because I am me. Not based on looks, education, finiancial reasons. Just a soul to soul connection that lasts forever. I would teasure him for who he is, not for what he represents or what he has. Just for his inner self.

Is this why I worked so hard?

2008-10-28T22:23:00.000-07:00

3 years of anatomy and torture, math classes, writing classes, psych classes, chemistry, medical terminology, microbiology, communications, algebra, etc. I worked my ass off to get here.

So why do I feel unsure? Slightly less than challenged. Kinda let down?

Perhaps nursing theory and reality are worlds apart. Or that no one pats us on the back. Encouragement is an excellent motivator but I don't feel encouraged by my spouse, my kids, my invisible friends, the staff.................I know I come off as smart and confident but that is a shell.

How can I validate what I'm doing? The grade thing is not the best way for me, I tend to put too much stick in grades. I got an 88% on my second pharm test. OK I missed a few questions. Is that going to make me a terrible nurse? Of course not.

Now how can I explain that to me?

Long Week

2008-10-26T01:49:00.000-07:00

Even with Monday and Wednesday being off from classes and me getting tons of sleep those two days, it twas a long week.

Thursday morning was dark and rainy as I drove to school with my carpool partner. She is a very bright woman, originally from India 4 years ago, who obsesses when she doesn't get perfect grades.

I myself tend to take a test and let it go. My 104 scores 89, 92 and 94.7. I was actually below the class average for a few weeks. I still had an A. I have a 99 in Pharmacology.

Our 104 tests are tricky and include fictional situations that take critical thinking. Ethics and moral and legal ramifications are very important in health car. My car pool person was brought up in an area where ethics aren't an option. One never questions a teacher or a doctor and moral dilemmas just don't exist.

She's been driving me a little cuckoo asking about all these things. She relentlessly questions anyone who will answer but myself and another friend in particular. 2-3 woman have perfect grades in 104 and it's driving her nutso because she can't figure out how to do that. She has a 91% average. She's in country that doesn't speak her native language and is culturally 180 degrees from what she is used to.

If she asks me again about test questions after a test is over I may just whack her upside the head.

She means no harm but OY once the test is over it's freakin over. I am ambitious but I'm not trying for 4.0 throughout the program. Some of this is about learning skills that can't be quantified by grades.

She's gonna dwive me cwazeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Numb

2008-10-20T21:34:00.000-07:00

That's how I feel today. Numb. No school as it was a teacher work day(who knew they had these at community colleges).

I did read the voter's pamphlet this afternoon. I had no idea we had socialists running for president! I found it all most amusing. Now I am infomred about almost everything on the ballot except the judges. How does one find out facts about the judges?

I ran into my first real life Sarah Palin supporter today. I almost fell over when she said Palin was great! I had no clue my neighborhood was harboring Republicans! =:-0

Clinical tomorrow, then Wednesday off and back to tests and classes Thursday, Friday.

Slighty Off The Path

2008-10-19T00:26:00.000-07:00

When I was a younger girl I wasn't the girl imagining weddings and tulle and bridesmaid. I had never planned out a wedding until I actually got married in my low key budget minded wedding.

I realized lately that many young girls play "wedding" quite a bit. I used to play war with my younger brothers and their friends. I was always the General and they always had to do what I said. Sounds more like me, doesn't it?

I know girls and women who think the wedding in the be all and end all. Nope. It's just the first day of your marriage.

I was the girl who read in the willow tree instead of playing tag. Adventuring across the world held my attention more than getting "frozen" in tag.

I am me. I'm not a total rebel but I'm not a conformer either. I think I was the vote for Ronald Reagan in Orange County, CA in the 1980 presidential. Living among right wingers never influenced my liberal political views.

I had a wonderful childhood for 16 years. Then I got pissed. How dare my parents move me 2000 miles in the middle of my junior year? I spread my anger and my selfish indignant rage with anyone within 10 feet of me. I had so much growing up to do.

My life since 1986 has been full of sharp turns on the road. Through the bad and difficult times I did the best I could. In the calm valleys I learned to breathe and how to utilize what I learned from the difficult time.

My life road is twisty and curvy and hangs on the edge of cliffs here and there. That's just fact. I have learned many lessons on my life road and have more to go.

Lesson this week: One might have to conform to reach one's goals. This seems less painful that stapling my mouth shut.

What do you think?

COOKIE!

2008-10-17T19:47:00.000-07:00

glitter-graphics.com

Lonesome Loser

2008-10-15T23:29:00.000-07:00

That old Eagles song Lonesome Loser keeps going through my head. I wasn't having the best week and tonight I had a "meeting" with my clinical instructor who was representing the other nursing instructors and some other students I seem to annoy the hell out of . Huh? Sometimes I may talk too much. I've been working on it. I ask questions unrelated to topic. I have no idea why I was told this. I have been trying very hard to ask only related and relevent questions.

Message I received: Shut the hell up in class/out of class/during practicals. Am I really that obnoxious?

I already have a spouse who thinks I am not capable of getting through the nursing program. Now more people who'd rather I wasn't in the program at all.

I feel totally useless right now. I have kids who are grown and don't really need me. I have no friends in real life. My husband doesn't support and or believe in me. Do I even have a point in life?

Cranky Bitch

2008-10-09T22:28:00.000-07:00

I am cranky bitch today. No discernable cause. Just cranky. Bitchy. Tired. Me.

Surprise, Suprise

2008-10-08T21:10:00.000-07:00

I have pissed off my teenager again. I thought I was teasing him but he says I was angry and mean. Um...................ok. What drugs are you on son? Do you all know what it's like living with a hypersensitive teenager with hormones running amok and drama being his middle name? OY! It's a headache.

I am tired. Mentally, physically and attutudinally.

Never a Smooth Road

2008-10-07T12:54:00.000-07:00

Crud. What if I have bladder cancer? Or need dialysis for whatever kidney issue I may or may not have? I have no time for this crap. Call now!!!!!!!!

Just as things in my life is getting along the way I want it to, bam. I hope this is nothing. But when the doc won't leave it in a message and won't let the nurse tell you anything....it's usually not so they can say "hey! you're extra special healthy!" If only.

This is so frustrating.

Determination

2008-10-04T23:52:00.000-07:00

I have plans. Plans for my future. No snot nosed little brat is going to derail me. I've come too far and through too much to let the people who don't really matter to screw up my plans.

I will make it through the next 11 months of school. I will pass the NCLEX-PN and find a job.

Then I will apply to ladder up to an RN degree program. I will make it through those months of school. I will pass the NCLEX-RN.

Next step, take an RN to BSN degree program as I wirk as an RN.

After the BSN I will decide on an area to specialize and I will go for a masters degree in nursing or as a nurse practitioner with prescriptive powers. Like being a doctor but better. More human, less lobbies by pharmaceutical interests.

Don't get in my way. I plan on taking those who discourage or try to stop me. Just a friendly warning.

Mean People

2008-10-02T19:51:00.000-07:00

No matter how hard I try not to judge others, I always find folks are willing to judge me. There is a girl in my nursing class and my practical group who I could have a smackdown with. She's pushy and loud, fairly un-enducated and thinks she's always right. Fine no problem until she rolls her eyes with the guy in front of me when I answered an anatomy question correctly after I waited to see if anyone else would answer first.

Apparently I am too smart. I am worthy of being derided by a girl who's about the age of my oldest(maybe a few years older) who I've treated respectfully. I do have a negative opinion of her but I am kept it to myself. I only told my husband about her.

I'm going to be the adult here. DUH. Tomorrow I will change seats to the back row so I won't have to see this girl judge me or make fun of me. Hey chica I've been out of junior high since 1977. Yes about 10 years before you were born as you keep reminding me you weren't even born in 1980. (like I care?)

I have spent my life learning, reading, researching as everything interests me. OK I remember my parts of the brain. Sue me. What's the point of taking anatomy & physiology as the back bone of a medical education if I forget what I learned.

Damn I hate being judged. I hate people who think they're better. Better than who? Everyone. And hey! Let's make fun of that old lady in class too. Now there are 4 people older than I in the class including the guy who was aiding her in her eye rolling. Screw 'em.

I'll rise above. I'll be a better nurse than she will because I have compassion for folks of all ages and races. Because I know people are basically the same when it comes to their healthcare needs.

But if one of you would like to make a voodoo doll, don't forget the bleached blond hair with dark showing at the roots, slut clothes that almost show her nipples and crotch riding tight jeans.

The things that irks me the most~she is not taking the program seriously. GRRRRRRR

Questionable

2008-09-30T21:44:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I will be a good nurse. I sit here wondering if I can comfort others well. Some days I am reminded how many pieces my heart has been ripped into in the past 13 years. Will there be enough of my heart left over for others?

I just don't know.

I know that no matter how illogical it may be, I don't think I can ever stop wishing for a baby. It's so completely unrealistic and spouse would not be with the plan but my heart keeps saying baby.

It's been over 12 years since I found out I cannot have another baby. Why doesn't my heart want to accept this?

I can't work eith sick babies as a nurse because I know I would be overly emotionally involved. I could never stay professional. Hell, I don't know if I am capable of being professional with any age.

I pray God can help me know what is the right place for me in this world. Hell if I know.

Holy moly frijoles!

2008-09-26T20:39:00.000-07:00

We got our reading assignments to prep for next week. At first I thought it was the assignments for several weeks, but nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. It's about 300 pages by Monday. Let's not forget flash cards, notes on the reading, defining all pertinent terms.

The two women next to me starting in complaining about a project for pharmacology. Oh I hate public speaking. Yuck. We have 4 journal reviews in pharm as well which did not please them. I politely said nurses have to disperse information all the time and that a group project was a great way to practice....

Oh if looks could kill.

We also have to review journal articles for fundamentals in nursing to explore the varied issues nurses deal with in today's health care system.

You see I love reading journals. Psych journals, social studies, communications, medical, historical, scientific, micro, etc. And they have a great collection at the library plus their internet server(which I can access from home) allows entry into journals we'd have to pay for if we weren't students. This assignment is one I like very much.

It's rough being a pseudo-intellectual. Snerk. I know. I'm a major info geek. Blame my mother. She instilled the love of all knowledge in me.

I can see the future and it contains much study. No social life. Learning strict time management and then trying to get the Y chromosomes to "get it".

OY VEY!

Achieving One Goal

2008-09-24T18:49:00.000-07:00

Here I am, 3 days into nursing school. While I'm happy to be here, I'm also tired at the thought of how much work is awaiting me in the next 11 months.

Hours and days of studying won't be so bad. The days and days of clinicals, following nurses around, learning all the basics and by third quarter I'll be doing 4 days a week of 8 hour days for NO pay. Exhausted by the thought.

I know we work up to it but dang, I think vacuuming one room takes too much energy. Yup, I'm one lazy ass woman.

Hour by hour.

Day by day.

That is how I'll do it.

Pray for me. I need some lightning bolts of energy and brain activity please.

Bitch Doc

2008-09-16T23:20:00.000-07:00

It really bothers me when someone assumes they are smarter than me. Automatically. Before I even open my mouth. The bitch doc today treated me like I was a drug seeking moron. I asked for some pain pills cuz BBB has strep. Strep hurts. Alot. Kid hasn't eaten since Sunday. For an active still growing 17yo male~that is forever. She looked at me with a face like why would he need pain pills? Maybe cuz I don't want to hear him whine about how much his throat hurts. He's in pain dumb ass. Did you not hear him scream when you poke his very swollen glands seven freaking times? What are you babe, sadistic? You looked in his throat, it's inflamed and red with yellow white spots, the strep test was positive so why poke the kid?

No one has ever poked me or my oldest when we've had strep.

I am angry because I felt disrespected. I am angry because I felt she hurt my child without purpose. I am angry she did not even ask how much pain he was feeling. I remember needing percocet last time I had strep just so I could swallow the horse antibiotics they gave me. I am angry because she seemed to think my son should speak for himself. He did. He just did not ask for pain meds because she never asked about his pain level. I was advocating for my child, not looking for a buzz.

I don't get buzzed off of codeine, vicodin or percocet. I'm tired of doctors treating everyone like they are junkie drug seekers. Whatever happened to pain relief?

Current studies show people heal faster when they're not in pain.

So Happy I Wasn't born Earlier

2008-09-14T23:27:00.000-07:00

I was watching Mad Med tonight. The show is set in 1962 among a Madison Ave ad agency where souls were sold as much as hard liquor.

Women were screwed back then. Had to be perfect housewives. Or Secretaries. Men dictated the social strata.

If your spouse cheated it was because you let him stray.

Thank goodness for women's lib!!!!

I'm not perfect at anything. I'm ok with that. Neither is my spouse perfect.

It took our society until the 90's to discuss mental illness with significant stigma. Women weren't depressed, they had "nerves". Bull shit.

We still have so far to go when groups like the Taliban won't let women even learn to read, outside without a male escort and many middle Eastern men "honor" kill their daughters or sisters because they fear their families have been ruined. If these girls aren't virgins the gov'ts look the other way while they are killed. In the year 2008.

Islam seems to be interpreted by males for males.

The high rate of dying while giving birth is still a sad reality in the third world. The US's rate should be better and our NIH and CDC's cannot figure out why Australia and Japan have much higher survival rates for their newborns.

This is not a fair world. I know this. I want to make a difference. Some where. Some how. I think nursing school is step one.

Freakin' Headaches

2008-09-06T23:37:00.000-07:00

I hadn't had a headache for weeks until Thursday. I wish I knew what triggered them. It starts as a band of pain above the eyes and then move to one side, usually behind that eye. It's not dehydration, not not eating, not overt stress as I've been on vacay from school for 3 weeks and have 2 weeks left. Had not had caffeine for a week, no food with additives, no unusual meds or anything.

Not a weather change headache cuz those happen in the am most times. It's freakin' sunny here which makes it hurt worse. I hate the protophobia that comes with headaches. Noise bothers me a little bit but not like a migraine.

Nothing helps. I use ice packs to numb it out from time to time but that's not a cure. Painkillers don't work or least the OTC ones I have.

If you've never had a headache I HATE YOU. I've had them for over 35 years. If I were still a devout 60's Catholic girl, I'd think they were punishment from God. Honestly though, I don't think God pays that close attention to me.

I can't even blame the teens or the spouse. I can't blame anything because I cannot figure out why it happens. ARGH!

Screaming in print hurts much less than real screaming.

Maybe.......

2008-09-02T22:37:00.000-07:00

I was out on a walk this evening and I was thinking. I had read all about cholesterol in my nursing book about diseases. I scared myself big time. Damn. My parents both had issues and now I be screwed. If I had known....sigh.

My blood tests done a few weeks ago show very high triglycerides and total cholesterol. Insanely high triglycerides. The last time I was tested(maybe 10 years ago because I had no insurance for a very long time) it was borderline high at 235. They did not break it up into triglycerides(Berry bad), HDLs)good stuff and LDLs(low down dirty dogs as my nursing teacher calls them to remind us in nutrition). My HDLs is low, the other 2 are high. My arteries have been collecting all this nasty ass cholesterol my body mostly makes because of my genetics. I would have stopped eating fast food 10 years ago if someone had clued me in.

In the past year or so I have begun an aversion to most red meats. Never eat hamburgers, only flank steak cooked at home, leanly. I have also cut down on my consumption of fast food maybe 85% just because it started to gross me out. I watched my spouse eat 2 dinners tonight. The healthy baked chicken though he choose the dark meat. Then the disgusting dripping with grease garlic sticks from Little Caesar's. It almost made me nauseous knowing what butter and cheese and white bread can do to someone who doesn't exercise any restraint or any exercise.

I think maybe, just maybe God steered me towards nursing to save myself. Once I save my heart and my arteries and my exercise issues and this hyperlipidcholosterimia. My aunts had yellow blobs under their eyes caused by the excess cholesterol in the bodies and it was ugleeeeeeeeeeeee. I've been so grateful I don't have these xanthomas(yellow cysts, bumps) on my face. I did notice some skin changes on my lega that should go away as soon as I get my cholesterol under control.

If I hadn't been going into nursing, I might have gone into teaching history or something and maybe dropped dead at 55. My mom died at 64, her dad was in his 40's. My dad's parents lived into their 80's but with major health problems. By going into nursing God is forcing me to care of myself. He's sneaky that way sometimes.

Then I can help others. In whatever plans He has for me. I do believe he has plans for me in medicine. I have no idea except the LPN thing.

As angry I have been at God in the past 46 years I have my heart telling me He's sending me where I belong. Doing His work somewhere, some how. Whether my spouse is on board or not is only for God to know at this point.

I found out this weekend is that Riley is proud of his mother and thinks I can go as far in medicine as I want to. Probably the shining moment of my weekend. I have an ally. I need to work on him destressing a bit. One step at a time.

http://www.blogcatalog.com/directory/lifestyle/womens

Attacks

2008-09-02T13:49:00.000-07:00

This weekend, at the beach, Geo launched a verbal attack on me when he was supposed to be angry at BBB. He's concerned that at my weight I won't finish or succeed in the nursing program. I gave him a look that said(not that he would get any of this) screw you, I know I can succeed, I don't need you and you're such an ass.

He did a similar thing last week. So nice to know that my spouse believes in me. My 17yo asked me why his dad did not believe in me. I said I don't know. Maybe he feels threatened. I'll have my own money and will be able to leave if I want to. He said I don't understand what dad's problem is. Me either bud. I don't think he got any encouragement growing up. I do know his family never "talked" about anything important. Still don't, for the most part.

I suppose I was supposed to fail when it came to school. He keeps binging up my algebra class and that I had to take it more than once. Passed it jerk. Maybe it took me a year but I passed it with a 100% in the final. Screw you.

He keeps bringing up my past history of never finishing. I'm like just because I get distracted while cleaning doesn't mean I'm gonna fail at life. I made it through the death of our son didn't I?

Now he brought up the meds I take. The only meds added in the past year are the bp med and the cholesterol med. He thinks the meds make me shaky and uncoordinated. Dude, have you not paid attention? I've never been coordinated unless in the water. 22 years and he doesn't notice.

He's so blind. Too bad he'll never be able to see how I have accomplished and how much more I will accomplish.

ARGH!

2008-08-10T22:19:00.001-07:00

Teens are the most annoying things on the planet with the exception of the presidetial candidates. My 17yo thinks he can rules his own life.

Okay. Let's take a gander at this idea. He's 17, he can't sign legal documents yet. He has no job. He has no money. He has a year to go in high school. He can't drive. He did not want to learn. If he can rule his life I can stop driving the snot around.

No matter what I say or how I say it I am wrong. Unless he needs a favor.

This was the sweetest, most loving and affectionate toddler I have ever met. Lucy. Wot Happned?

He dislikes it that I am an untraditional mother but he tells all his friends I go to college. He tells me I'm dumb but he asked for my help when it came to moles in chemistry. He will not say a word to me if are in the car, unless I'm rocking with the radio.

Yeah. I was a pill when I was 17 but damn! Do I really deserve the scorn and dirty looks?

Mommy(she's been deceased since 1997)if you're listening.........please please PLEASE take the curse off me. I've been punished enough. Really I have.

Has It Always Been This Hard?

2008-08-03T21:44:00.000-07:00

Parenting seemed so much easier when my children were young. Even though a temper tantrum or bedtime was a serious issue to me, it's nothing compared to dealing with teens. Teens with attitudes. Teens with mental illnesses. Teens dealing with their mother's cancer.

No these are not all my teens, they also belong to friends. Several of my friends have children with mental illnesses. Teens who are already hormonally challenged and have bipolar disorder, depression, cutting. I honestly don't know how they cope. Another friend has metastatic breast cancer and her teens are helping to care for her with their dad when she has chemo. A friend of mine has a daughter who's in her early twenties who's been battling ovarian cancer for several years. 21 year olds aren't supposed to get ovarian cancer.

When I was 17 my biggest life crisis was that my parents had forced me to move from Michigan to Southern California in the middle of my junior year. Now it sucked. But not like knowing my mom had cancer sucks. Not like having cancer myself would have sucked. Not like wanting to die suck. Not being unable to control my emotions and not knowing why sucks.

I am ashamed. For being such a self-centered little brat. I was in a snit for 2-3 years. Such a twit. I am ashamed when I think my boys are difficult. Because I don't have it so bad.

I am healthy. My boys are healthy. We are basically mentally in control. Thank goodness for antidepressants.

I pray and hope for the best outcomes for my friends and their children. I wish I could be more helpful. Knowing the things they go through and cope with help me to know my family will be okay.

My personality??

2008-07-30T23:50:00.001-07:00

You Are An ENFP

The Inspirer

You love being around people, and you are deeply committed to your friends.

You are also unconventional, irreverent, and unimpressed by authority and rules.

Incredibly perceptive, you can usually sense if someone has hidden motives.

You use lots of colorful language and expressions. You're quite the storyteller!

In love, you are quite the charmer. And you are definitely willing to risk your heart.

You often don't follow through with your flirting or professed feelings. And you do break a lot of hearts.

At work, you are driven but not a workaholic. You just always seem to enjoy what you do.

You would make an excellent entrepreneur, politician, or journalist.

How you see yourself: compassionate, unselfish, and understanding

When other people don't get you, they see you as: gushy, emotional, and unfocused

What's Your Personality Type?

Teens Suck, inside version

2008-07-30T22:42:00.000-07:00

Do I look like a slave? Have I in any way made you think I was subservient? Do I seem as if I enjoy being ordered around?

My little twerp of a 17 year old is peeved at me(what's new?)because he mentioned at 10:30P.M., right after I picked him up at his GF's house, that he has 2 baseball games tommorow. He just got his cast off today. The doctor said don't jump into pitching, work it in slowly. Not to mention the kid never thanked me for any of the other specific things I did for him today.

Yet I'm supposed to get up at 6:30 A.M. and drive him to God knows where so he can play baseball with a team that has treated him like shit, with his unstretched and therefore vulnerable tendons and muscles? Oh and I'd have to blow off school to do it. My career and education are totally unimportant to the spoiled brat that is my son.

Argh. He just tried to go out w/o asking again. Dude! I am the mother and if you continue to disrespect me I'm turning off your phone, ya hear? After that it'll be the internet.

Yeeps! My Blog Got An Award

2008-07-18T23:54:00.000-07:00

Tena from My Therapy one of my two readers on this wacky blog, gave me a this lovely award. Thanks Tena! Tena's the mother of four kids, trapped in a middle-upper class 'hood where the Gap Mothers reign. YURK! Gap Mothers are not real. They never have spots on their impeccable clothes (more like Nordstrom Mothers to me) and in their insanely huge SUVs which guzzle $4.50 a gallon gas like the moms guzzle mojitos every night before dinner. You know the type~they seem all perfect and their kids are perfect and no one ever crosses that human Mom line. HA! Pseudomothers. Cuz us real moms love t-shirts 'n' sweats and darn if my pedicure doesn't need updating feet. :P

Tena a real mom stuck on the Twilight Zone. Send the woman props for surviving!!!
(swells of applause)

I WANT MY RAIN!

2008-07-15T20:13:00.000-07:00

Where's my rain? Why live in Seattle if it never rains? Might as well be back in LA. No, no no. Cannot live with the plastic people again. 10 years was plenty. Fake hair, fake boobs, popularity rated on looks. How you look. How your house looks. How expensive your car is and how it looks. How your kids look. Blah blah blah. Orange County is for wannabes.

I might miss my beaches and the ocean but I don't miss Cali.

Even the midwest cools down once in awhile in July. Give me a thunderstorm as long as it rains.

Rain~wet, cool, lovely rain. Come home my clouds. Come home.

What brain?

2008-07-14T22:36:00.000-07:00

My pal from nutrition class could not remeber her basic anatomy tonight at lecture. We're going over proteins and how important the liver is in this process and she had forgotten that the bile duct and the pancreatic duct kind of merge into the small intestine at a juncture. Basic stuff. It's way cool to read all this complex amino acid and essential enzymes and understand what they are for and how they work. I did learn in A&P. I've retained quite a bit. Cool. I love being a jump up on most. The chemistry I learned last summer is coming in handy as well. All the prep classes are melding together to make my comprehension high.

It makes me feel smart but also impatient. I felt like telling my pal to get out the anatomy book and review the basics otherwise pharmacology is gonna kill her. She hasn't taken chem or the 200 series in anatomy either.

The rest of my brain is rotting from excessive heat and teenager input.

Very Little

2008-07-10T21:33:00.000-07:00

There's very little going on in my brain except static. You know~the stuff I learned today on math class, various nutrition facts, what's due Monday, telling myself I am not hungry cuz I'm not....

I'm not concentrating on any one thing well. It's a mish mash. Since I've gone back to college I've found it hard to concentrate on any books unrelated to my classes even when I'm off school. I used to read 3-6 books a week, now........maybe 6 a year.

I guess because my brain is older it can only deal with so much information and pushes extraneous stuff out. That's not including long term memory. Most of my LTM in intact.

I'm boring today.

Random

2008-07-09T23:14:00.000-07:00

I'm already tired of negative campaign ads and there's months left. ARGH. I may need to turn off my tv or commit hari-kari to survive. If I never saw another political ad it would be too soon.

Is Jesse Jackson a moron or what? Why is one powerful black man saying things to bring down another powerful black man? Jealousy. Cuz Jesse never got this close to being president. I don't care why, I do not want to know whose nuts Jackson wants to cut off. EVER!

Is A-Rod one of the stupidest and most arrogant jerk on earth? Imbecile. Flaunt Madonna and kabbalah in your wife's face...what did you think dude she'd sit there and let you make a fool out of her. 3 months after giving birth to your second child. A-Rod you are pathetic and I'm so glad you left Seattle when ya did. If you were my husband I would do a Bobbitt with a dull fork on you. For shore.

New sex symbols~Olympic athletes with washboard stomachs and fast fast times. Male for me. Oh la laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Michael Phelps can swim in my pool any day as long as he never speaks a word. I just like the way he looks not what he has to say. Swim like a shark baby and set more world records. That's what I like in a man.

Wednesday

2008-07-09T10:27:00.001-07:00

I am lazy. Already tired of summer school. Not too thrilled with temps in the 80's either but I am a heat weenie.

I am tired lately. I will have them take blood tests at my annual appt in 2 weeks. More tired than normal. I need a titer for vaccines for nursing school anyhoo.

My World Feels Wobbly Today

2008-07-07T22:35:00.000-07:00

My 40 yo pal breast cancer spread to her liver. She had a MRI of her head and I pray it hasn't spread further. She is years younger then me. Why does this happen to the best people? It makes no sense. I had stopped asking why after Brennan and our super rare mitochondrial metabolic something is wrong in one codon of one enzyme of DNA. Cuz stuff like that just doesn't happen every day.

But part of my raised Catholic self felt maybe I did something in my life to cause Brennan's death. I know it's bullshit but Catholic guilt is rooted very deeply. The God I was taught about as a child was vengeful God. I don't know why all the stuff with Brennie happened I just fear that was my hell on earth.

The one person I could count on for the past 15 years is history. She's too busy with her job, her disabled son, her son home from college-all of which I get. Then there's the guy she met on e-harmony. I don't get him. Since he showed up our friend ship has been slipping away. Poor pitiful Janice has no one she can count on in an emergency in the state of Washington or California where my family who can't be bother to keep in touch lives can be depended on either. We don't know each other as adults. My dad's a flaky alcoholic who remarried and who I haven't seen in over 11 years. My older bro calls once a year if I'm licky and he might come if I called and was desperate. My younger Hollywierd bro married to the screenpaly writer/director/producer and they have a 7 yo daughter and I have not met anyone but my brother. You know the one I used to drive to practice and school and junior high dates. Youngest bro getting married in August. 2 days after finals. In Palm Springs. I'd needs airfare, hotel money, an outfit and money to eat etc. Not in the budget. It's a formal Filopinia wedding and quite procey even for guests.

So nice the family I grew up with doesn't miss me at all since my mom died. Yeah, I'm a little bitter. There's a longer story here I don't want to write.

If my spouse went crazy and wanted to kill me I'd have no where to run to. Good thing he is not a violent man.

Marriage Isn't For The Faint of Heart

2008-07-05T22:02:00.000-07:00

I was tired today. Really tired. I am not sure when I finally fell asleep with the mortars going off around me. At 1:30p.m. my ever so pleasant husband came saying loudly, "Gonna sleep all day?" Maybe. What's it to you? This is when I wished I lived alone.

Spouse gets up at 5a.m. naturally. He goes to bed by 10p.m. I never harp on him about that. Right now on Mondays and Wednesdays I get home at 10p.m. because of my nutrition class. He stays awake to say hi and then down he goes. I have no trouble with this because spouse is biologically programmed to be asleep by 10:30p.m. Why can't he accept that on weekends I tend to catch up on sleep I miss dring the week?

Sheep! It's sounds like some one is shooting a rifle outside. I know it's fireworks but damn, it's scary. I'd never make it on the housing projects. The noise skeers me.

I was up for about 4 hours today and then I fell asleep again. I just could not keep my eyes open. When I woke up I got a get enough sleep snotty comment. Seriously I should have said no because I'm still tired.

BBB left very early for Young Life camp. It's very quiet. I know he's going to have an awesome time with his nest friend and many of the kids he goes to school with (the nice ones). High school is still a terrible place. Kids are so mean to each other. The teachers have too many students and the counselors have no ideas who their kids are and they lack the knowledge needed to help the kids graduate to the new requirements. I know because I'm dealing with BBB's issues. If I hadn't jumped in his "counselor" would have left him in a 2 year math class even though he flunked the first semester rendering the entire two years invalid.

I don't remember graduation being so hard back in the stone age. Did I get straight A's? Hell no. I got a D or two because I was forced to move and change high schools in my junior year leaving me pissed, annoyed and enraged. It's so hard to fit in at a high school level but entering a southern cal hs in the middle of november in my junior year.........stunk. I made it worse with a bad attitude. They couldn't even match my classes. I got stuck in normal english! No honors. The HORROR! Everyone was tan and blond and to my imagined intellectual superiority they were pretty stupid. Yes, BBB IS my payback from my mother, karma and the Lord. I was 16, didn't the world revolve around me? Doesn't it still? Bwahahahah. I wish.

Why is it so difficult to communicate validly with my spouse? I can talk to anyone else. Why can't I just say what I'm thinking? Why does he get so defensive? Why doesn't he "hear" me?

My most common thought Why can't life and marriage be easy? I know, I'm such a dreamer. A fairly cynical dreamer, but a dreamer none the less.

Incredulous Disbelief

2008-07-02T00:23:00.000-07:00

The screaming teenager, face twisted in hate and anger, can not be the baby I nurtured in my womb, gave birth to, breastfeed until 2.5 years, the boy I aored with my entire being.

Because my baby boy would never tell his mother to shut the fuck up in front of his gf and her friend.(He lost this week's allowance by the way).

What I really wanted to do was put him in his place. He is not the king. He needs to stop paying his dad against me. He needs to get a grip on reality.

Heeds to show me a modicum of respect and I am going after his dad who will stop undermining my authority unless he wants to be single. No more of that shit. The preferential treament has got to stop as well. There are two parents here and if we can't work together we will parent apart.

This kid needs to get semi-shaped up before I start nursing school.

I mean it(using evil mommy angry glare)

Going Nowhere Fast

2008-06-29T23:03:00.000-07:00

How can I sit across the room all weekend long from my spouse and feel lonely? I can look at him and know in my soul that he has no idea what's in my heart, my mind. He has a picture of me before. Before I changed. Before I made it through the loss of our child, our future children. The loss of my mother. His comment about a year after she died and I said he had never expressed he was sorry she died so quickly and so young...I didn't think you got along that well.

Cripes. My family actually shows emotion. I would hang up on my mom if we were arguing. Not that we argued very much unless we were living in the same house and she'd been drinking. Now my mother self-medicated every single night with vodka. I did not understand the reasons very well until I hit my 30's which is when my mom died, I was 34, she was 64. Now I comprehend very clearly why she drank every single night. Why she read to escape her reality.

We had been married 9 years when my mother died and he didn't grasp any part of how much my mother meant to me, good and bad. After 9 years of marriage he didn't know me.

Does he know me any better now? I'm sure he thinks he does. I know he thinks I'm selfish, which I can be. I'm lazy, which I definitely am when it comes to hard labor, house cleaning, doing anything in hot weather. Does he "get" what depression and anxiety are? Nope. One cannot understand what one won't allow himself to feel. He limits his feelings. Or rather his father taught him very few emotions.

I am not sure I can live like this for the rest of my life. I'll get through the LPN program but after that no promises. I have no idea how to break a marriage. I don't know how to walk away. BBB will be out of high school next June.

My mother felt alone and unloved too. I am sure she felt misunderstood and frustrated because she was trapped and she knew it. Her arthritis trapped her where her generation's entrapment stopped.

I do not want to become a bitter and unhappy person. I din't need to hate anyone nor do I need to blame anyone. That's too easy and not fair.

One of us is an adult. This will not be easy either way.

Hot, Sweltering, Roasting Seattle

2008-06-29T12:00:00.000-07:00

Heat headache. Old lady body aches. Getting old sucks most days.

I have "math" homework to do. It's more similar to charts of numbers and using very odd ways to get results. For example, there are 12 candidates in election. There are 4 positions. One uses a pattern(sort of) to figure out who is eliminated. Then one figure out who'd be numbers 1, 2, 3, and 4. It's math folks. They call it math for people who dislike math but it's math. Can't fool me. LOL.

My spouse has rooted to the sofa. He has several eyes sprouting already. Should I transplant him into the ground?

A quiz in nutrition tomorrow that I need to glance over. Menu planning due Wednesday. Kinda tedious. Hell, let's be honest. WAY tedious.

I wish I was floating in a large body of clear blue water. Just floating. No worries. No reality except the water and me. Oh and the lobster waiting for me to eat it!!

How Am I supposed to Get Through Nursing School If I keep forgetting My kids' Names??

2008-06-29T01:07:00.000-07:00

It's getting a teensy bit scary. I keep calling my brother by my younger son's name and vice-versa. I'm 46, is that too young for alzehemiers?

I was speaking with my spouse tonight I kept saying my son's name when it's my brother, who's wedding invitation we received today.

The invitation made me angry. He was So and so's son and well, my mother isn't so and so. The woman my father married after my mom's death did not raise my brother. He was 27 years old when my mom died. Isn't there etiquette where they add the deceased mother's name?

He was my mom's last child, in many ways her favorite and most painful child. This is my brother who is manic. It took 7 years to diagnose him so we all thought he was drug addict and a loser. All (HA!) he was was mentally ill. I think that news almost hurt my mom more than the drug idea. He was her brightest child, the one with the most potential. He was also the one who lied to her and harangued her when manic and broke her heart numerous times. She really deserves a place on the invitation.

I keep forgetting little details. My oldest dropped by around 11pm last night so I knew he was alive and I completely forgot. At least I can remember algebra now. Hardeharhar.

The entire family is in the wedding except me. I have never met my father's wife, my other broher's wife or daughter or my older brother's dog. When I say I could never run to family, I was serious. I was dealing with over 10 years of grief and depression, what's their excuse?

It's a sad thought but no one will miss me at that wedding. Not one person. Not how I thought families were supposed to be. Move 1000 miles away, Mom dies and no one cares what happens to you. How very American of us. How upset my dad's mother would be.